So I’m filling up at a gas station out by the hospital for the criminally insane, eating a Halloween apple, when I suddenly slice my tongue near in half on a razor blade some asshole neighbor’d tucked inside the thing.
Which, under normal circumstances, would have totally sucked—except that when I pulled up to the emergency room, one of the paramedics pointed out the bloody hook hanging from the passenger-side door handle of my Land Cruiser.
So, like, I guess I owe my asshole neighbor a thank you card or some flowers or something.
Stupid etiquette.
update: Did I mention that my neighbor works at at Chinese take out place? And that all the neighborhood cats are missing?
Makes having to thank the guy sting that much more, let me tell you.
I so fucking totally don’t get this one. But then again, I’m kind of a rural motherfucker.
I hope the hospital didn’t use any Proctor & Gamble products while caring for you, ‘cause they’re, like, Satanic.
You could have worked in a reference to your cell phone ringing and causing a huge fireball. That would have been cool…………….
oooooh, did you get any stolen kidneys while you were at the hospital?
Too bad you didn’t have time to pick up that young hitch-hiker standing alone on the side of the road in her party dress.
But I can assure you that if the hook-handed man had actually killed you, Emmadine would have supported a harsh sentence for him ‘cuz your jewish….
Unless he was black or moslem, but really, how do you racially profile a hook?
If you had waited until tomorrow……
Well, if it were a Korean restaurant, and all the dogs were missing, you could go there, have a nice bowl of Poodles ‘n Noodles, along with a nice glass of Jack Spaniels.
Just saying.
Might want to check the sewers for the missing cats …..
That smell coming from the neighbor’s house? The baby-sitter just roasted their child instead of a Turkey.
Remember that guy getting treated for the missing finger while you were at the hospital? When you got home and found your dog choking and heimliched him, what popped out? It was a finger wasn’t it?
Cue Twilight Zone music.
I think you should call him up to thank him. From inside his house. Dun-dun-DUN!
I hope that guy in your back seat didn’t cause any trouble. Coz I was behind you flashing my high-beams for all I was worth!
Well DUH! The cats are all in the microwave.
The emergency room personnel removed my clothing only to find my torso covered with bites from the asps sewn into the lining of my coat. But because I smelled strongly of roasting meat, they determined that I would die first of being cooked from the inside out as a result of spending too much time on the tanning bed.
Just be thankful your wife doesn’t have one of them bitchin’ beehive hairdos, or else you’d be dealing with a spider infestation right now.
I just thank God you didn’t flash your high beams at that car with its lights completely off, because that’s how the gangs pick their victims during initiation!
Did your stomach explode when you drank Coke with your Pop-Rocks, like Mikey from the Life commercials?
Why, back on ‘02, when I was in the Swiss Navy…
That Land Cruiser of yours could be getting 200 mpg if only the Oil Cartel and the Detroit automakers weren’t in cahoots and suppressing the technology.
TW: fnord 97
No, my Bronco is a ‘96. Ha!
And then Bush stole the election but the real president is Cheney and all the democrats are the real patriots. Oh and my 01 Harley is causing the earth to warm which is why it is supposed to snow tomorrow.
Not so! The spiders are all in the bunches of bananas at the grocery store…
Well I’m calling a neighborhood meeting. You got neat crazies as neighbors, the Edwards have a crazed Rethuglican neighbor trying to hit them with an RPG every time they drive up the driveway. I got total boredom for neighbors. Best I get is the neighbors 4 year old throwing stuffed toys over the fence to watch my dog tear them to bits.
Yeah, these neighbors are Democrats and my dog is a Republican. What’s your point?
’s funny, but I’ve got the urge to e-mail this post to every single person in my address book.
Was that your neighbor that lost his hand on Iwo Jima with Lee Marvin and Captain Kangaroo or your neighbor that lost his hand in Vietnam with Mr. Rodgers the sniper?
Looks like the kid is turning out Republican, which figures. Rebelling against his role model parents. What goes around etc etc
Speaking of which, if you want to see Capitalism red in tooth & claw, try Shanghai. Natural born Thatcherites, every last one.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to work that thing about Tom Selleck being the Gerber baby into this thread, but I got nuthin’.
Man, I suck.
There’s another one going around about how slavery is the Roots, er root cause, of all the nasty lyrics pervading rap music. A long delay involved in the process I guess.
Convince the Man to throw down some reparations and maybe everyone will talk nice.
Does it sting as much as the clap from the toilet seat?
Kyoto IS the only way to deal with the upcoming disasters related to climate change…. hold on , this isn’t the mass hysteria thread ? Meh , works anyways . Carbon offsets are cool too .