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9 things you’d rather not find in the pocket of your jeans after having run them through the washing machine / dryer (inspired by true events)

  1. Freshen Up chewing gum
  2. the Best Buy receipt for a TV you only bought to watch the Super Bowl and had every intention of returning shortly after
  3. a Dixie cup packed with earthworms
  4. the severed finger of a transient you had hoped to keep as a “trophy”
  5. 70 or so sugar packets stolen from Ihop
  6. a stillborn jackrabbit
  7. wax lips
  8. combination of micropourous drug delivery balloon filled with heroin and a toothpick / Bic ballpoint pen / woman’s fingernail
  9. impressive scabs still connected to gauze

39 Replies to “9 things you’d rather not find in the pocket of your jeans after having run them through the washing machine / dryer (inspired by true events)”

  1. N. O'Brain says:

    Is that kinda like ”Ripped From Today’s Headlines!”

  2. RiverCocytus says:

    Cringe Factor Omega…

  3. happyfeet says:

    Freshen Up chewing gum

    They still make it. You can get some here.

  4. Darleen says:

    inspired by true events

    Well, Jeff, just wait until the spud gets a little older. I recommend caution when checking his jean pockets.

    heh.

  5. Jim in KC says:

    10.  Hillary Clinton’s phone number, scribbled on a hotel bar matchbook cover.

  6. Never put a kid’s sleeping bag in the dryer without checking for Stretch Armstrong.

    just saying.

  7. Pablo says:

    11. Three million dollars in bearer bonds.

  8. BumperStickerist says:

    11) Your son’s new red sock that you picked up and stuffed in your pocket figuring you’d remember to take it out later.

  9. MarkD says:

    lipstick.  Even goof-off has trouble with lipstick baked onto a dryer drum.

    No one will mistake it for blood on your Karate gi.

    And if it’s not your wife/daughter’s shade you have even bigger problems.

  10. Jim in KC says:

    Even goof-off has trouble with lipstick baked onto a dryer drum.

    I’m a goof-off, and I have no problem with it…

  11. Steve says:

    lipstick, as noted.

    tissue paper, it falls apart and shed all over everything.

    Pens. Pens. Pens.

  12. Rusty says:

    A glass jar of salmon eggs.

  13. carine says:

    Crayons are the worst … but then, if they fall out of the pocket, you don’t actually ever find the crayon itself. Just the streak-marks.Everywhere.

  14. BoZ says:

    If my grandmother were still alive, I’d print out this list for her, because if her purse got stolen, she could just cross off #2 and hand it to the cops.

  15. I washed my social security card about 5 weeks after first getting it.  Thankfully I had the number memorized – this was back when they were issued in paper.  I have yet to replace the card, since they charge for it and I don’t really need it.

  16. Sobek says:

    “a Dixie cup packed with earthworms…”

    I don’t get it.  What’s so bad about this one?

  17. N. O'Brain says:

    Waaaay ot, but…

    I forget to tell youse guys.

    My son, Matt the Marine got orders.

    He’s deploying in July.

    22 MEU, on board the USS Kearsarge (LHD 3) as a member of 3/8 Marine Regiment.

  18. Bill D. Cat says:

    Rusty ,

    Heh , been there . Another excellent reason to take up fly-fishing .

  19. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Give him our best, N.O’Brain.

  20. Great Mencken's Ghost! says:

    Hillary’s taxin’ hand…

  21. graouch says:

    N.O’B

    Semper Gumby, eh.

    My youngun is floating out next month with the 13th.

    God Bless and God Speed.

    Have to admit to being a bit conflicted about the whole thing, what with having a (devil)dog in the fight, as it were.

  22. Vladimir says:

    I’d give my own blood to find Stretch Armstrong in my jeans pocket.

    Provided he hadn’t melted and oozed the red sticky death goo all over them.

  23. grouch says:

    Anyone catch that fat lesbitch rosie’s screed today?

    I am reminded of a Jerry Clower quote,”Somebody SHOOT that thing!”

  24. steve says:

    God Bless, No Brain.  Semper Fi.  I’m sure your son will do what he’s told and do all he can not to let down the Corps.  And that’s 99% right there.  Furthermore, he should be fine. The hardest part will be the cramped quarters on ship.

  25. wishbone says:

    12. Latvia.  Just TRY getting a Balkan Republic out with regular detergent.

  26. Rusty says:

    Rusty ,

    Heh , been there . Another excellent reason to take up fly-fishing .

    Posted by Bill D. Cat

    Heh.Heh. Now it’s squirrel tails and and the odd length of chenielle.

  27. Bill D. Cat says:

    Now it’s squirrel tails and and the odd length of chenielle.

    As long as the squirrel tails come from a store , all is good . Nothing quite compares with days old fish roe , for either smell , or consistency .

  28. The Fabulous Timbo says:

    How does one clean vomitousness from one’s laptop keyboard?

    Funny stuff.

    Wishbone: Latvia is a “Baltic” country, not “Balkan.”

  29. McGehee says:

    Wishbone: Latvia is a “Baltic” country, not “Balkan.”

    Doubly an error, too—since one can remove a Balkan republic with a little club soda.

  30. wishbone says:

    Latvia, Montenegro, what’s the difference?

    ….

    ….

    This, of course, is a very lame attempt to cover up my inter-lobal goof-up in typing “Balkan” when I meant “Caribbean.”

  31. wishbone says:

    Plus, the whole Kosovo quagmire must weigh unconciously on my mind.

  32. Ric Locke says:

    10. A £1 coin, a €5 note, and Iraqi dinar worth $3.17

    11. “Love and kisses, Bobbi” with the dot of the “i” a little heart, scrawled on the notepaper of the Kit-Kat Club

    12. A receipt in an unfamiliar character set that appears to include the word “APOTEKE”

    13. A clearly-faux Rolex watch, stopped at 3:17 with a day-date of two days ago

    14. The wrapper from an individual-sized packet of Kleenex™

    15. Four gold-foil packets, each a little over 1” square, torn open and empty

    16. A half-dozen gelatin capsules, all empty, bleached transparent, one with one end missing

    17. A sealed polyethylene packet containing approximately a teaspoon of pale-tan powder

    18. An airline eye mask for sleeping, with a Cyrillic logo

  33. McGehee says:

    19. A note with a phone number and the words “Thanks for last night”—in masculine handwriting.

  34. wishbone says:

    21. A note with a phone number and the words “Thanks for last night”—in Klingon.

    Bonus points for those getting the double meaning….

  35. Kusummak says:

    10. A £1 coin, a €5 note, and Iraqi dinar worth $3.17

    11. “Love and kisses, Bobbi” with the dot of the “i” a little heart, scrawled on the notepaper of the Kit-Kat Club

    12. A receipt in an unfamiliar character set that appears to include the word “APOTEKE”

    13. A clearly-faux Rolex watch, stopped at 3:17 with a day-date of two days ago

    14. The wrapper from an individual-sized packet of Kleenexâ„¢

    15. Four gold-foil packets, each a little over 1” square, torn open and empty

    16. A half-dozen gelatin capsules, all empty, bleached transparent, one with one end missing

    17. A sealed polyethylene packet containing approximately a teaspoon of pale-tan powder

    18. An airline eye mask for sleeping, with a Cyrillic logo

    Posted by Ric Locke | permalink

    on 03/15 at 07:42 PM

    Those are my trousers. I left them in the Crowne Plaza, Bangkok. What are you doing with them?

  36. Cybrludite says:

    The shattered remains of a .22 Long Rifle rimfire cartridge that detonated while you were trying just to get the wrinkles out of a pair of khakis for a job interview…

  37. McGehee says:

    22. The magic bullet from the JFK assassination.

  38. Austin Mike says:

    My wife’s elderly cat could not make it to the litter box in the garage in time, and decided the laundry basket next to the washer was just the place to hide her “business.” Long story short, I didn’t notice the pile of carefully buried cat poo when I dumped the basket into the washer. I just kept restarting the washer again and again, because I wasn’t going to put my hands in there after the first unsuccessful wash cycle.

    Where, oh where, are those coyotes when I need one!

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