9 things you’d rather not find in the pocket of your jeans after having run them through the washing machine / dryer (inspired by true events)
Freshen Up chewing gum
the Best Buy receipt for a TV you only bought to watch the Super Bowl and had every intention of returning shortly after
a Dixie cup packed with earthworms
the severed finger of a transient you had hoped to keep as a “trophy”
70 or so sugar packets stolen from Ihop
a stillborn jackrabbit
wax lips
combination of micropourous drug delivery balloon filled with heroin and a toothpick / Bic ballpoint pen / woman’s fingernail
impressive scabs still connected to gauze
39 Replies to “9 things you’d rather not find in the pocket of your jeans after having run them through the washing machine / dryer (inspired by true events)”
If my grandmother were still alive, I’d print out this list for her, because if her purse got stolen, she could just cross off #2 and hand it to the cops.
I washed my social security card about 5 weeks after first getting it. Thankfully I had the number memorized – this was back when they were issued in paper. I have yet to replace the card, since they charge for it and I don’t really need it.
God Bless, No Brain. Semper Fi. I’m sure your son will do what he’s told and do all he can not to let down the Corps. And that’s 99% right there. Furthermore, he should be fine. The hardest part will be the cramped quarters on ship.
The shattered remains of a .22 Long Rifle rimfire cartridge that detonated while you were trying just to get the wrinkles out of a pair of khakis for a job interview…
My wife’s elderly cat could not make it to the litter box in the garage in time, and decided the laundry basket next to the washer was just the place to hide her “business.” Long story short, I didn’t notice the pile of carefully buried cat poo when I dumped the basket into the washer. I just kept restarting the washer again and again, because I wasn’t going to put my hands in there after the first unsuccessful wash cycle.
Where, oh where, are those coyotes when I need one!
Is that kinda like ”Ripped From Today’s Headlines!”
Cringe Factor Omega…
They still make it. You can get some here.
Well, Jeff, just wait until the spud gets a little older. I recommend caution when checking his jean pockets.
heh.
10. Hillary Clinton’s phone number, scribbled on a hotel bar matchbook cover.
Never put a kid’s sleeping bag in the dryer without checking for Stretch Armstrong.
just saying.
11. Three million dollars in bearer bonds.
11) Your son’s new red sock that you picked up and stuffed in your pocket figuring you’d remember to take it out later.
lipstick. Even goof-off has trouble with lipstick baked onto a dryer drum.
No one will mistake it for blood on your Karate gi.
And if it’s not your wife/daughter’s shade you have even bigger problems.
I’m a goof-off, and I have no problem with it…
lipstick, as noted.
tissue paper, it falls apart and shed all over everything.
Pens. Pens. Pens.
A glass jar of salmon eggs.
Crayons are the worst … but then, if they fall out of the pocket, you don’t actually ever find the crayon itself. Just the streak-marks.Everywhere.
If my grandmother were still alive, I’d print out this list for her, because if her purse got stolen, she could just cross off #2 and hand it to the cops.
I washed my social security card about 5 weeks after first getting it. Thankfully I had the number memorized – this was back when they were issued in paper. I have yet to replace the card, since they charge for it and I don’t really need it.
I don’t get it. What’s so bad about this one?
Waaaay ot, but…
I forget to tell youse guys.
My son, Matt the Marine got orders.
He’s deploying in July.
22 MEU, on board the USS Kearsarge (LHD 3) as a member of 3/8 Marine Regiment.
Rusty ,
Heh , been there . Another excellent reason to take up fly-fishing .
Give him our best, N.O’Brain.
Hillary’s taxin’ hand…
N.O’B
Semper Gumby, eh.
My youngun is floating out next month with the 13th.
God Bless and God Speed.
Have to admit to being a bit conflicted about the whole thing, what with having a (devil)dog in the fight, as it were.
I’d give my own blood to find Stretch Armstrong in my jeans pocket.
Provided he hadn’t melted and oozed the red sticky death goo all over them.
Anyone catch that fat lesbitch rosie’s screed today?
I am reminded of a Jerry Clower quote,”Somebody SHOOT that thing!”
God Bless, No Brain. Semper Fi. I’m sure your son will do what he’s told and do all he can not to let down the Corps. And that’s 99% right there. Furthermore, he should be fine. The hardest part will be the cramped quarters on ship.
12. Latvia. Just TRY getting a Balkan Republic out with regular detergent.
Rusty ,
Heh , been there . Another excellent reason to take up fly-fishing .
Posted by Bill D. Cat
Heh.Heh. Now it’s squirrel tails and and the odd length of chenielle.
As long as the squirrel tails come from a store , all is good . Nothing quite compares with days old fish roe , for either smell , or consistency .
How does one clean vomitousness from one’s laptop keyboard?
Funny stuff.
Wishbone: Latvia is a “Baltic” country, not “Balkan.”
Doubly an error, too—since one can remove a Balkan republic with a little club soda.
Latvia, Montenegro, what’s the difference?
….
….
This, of course, is a very lame attempt to cover up my inter-lobal goof-up in typing “Balkan” when I meant “Caribbean.”
Plus, the whole Kosovo quagmire must weigh unconciously on my mind.
10. A £1 coin, a €5 note, and Iraqi dinar worth $3.17
11. “Love and kisses, Bobbi” with the dot of the “i” a little heart, scrawled on the notepaper of the Kit-Kat Club
12. A receipt in an unfamiliar character set that appears to include the word “APOTEKE”
13. A clearly-faux Rolex watch, stopped at 3:17 with a day-date of two days ago
14. The wrapper from an individual-sized packet of Kleenex™
15. Four gold-foil packets, each a little over 1” square, torn open and empty
16. A half-dozen gelatin capsules, all empty, bleached transparent, one with one end missing
17. A sealed polyethylene packet containing approximately a teaspoon of pale-tan powder
18. An airline eye mask for sleeping, with a Cyrillic logo
19. A note with a phone number and the words “Thanks for last night”—in masculine handwriting.
Oops. Jim in KC got there first.
21. A note with a phone number and the words “Thanks for last nightâ€Ââ€â€in Klingon.
Bonus points for those getting the double meaning….
Those are my trousers. I left them in the Crowne Plaza, Bangkok. What are you doing with them?
The shattered remains of a .22 Long Rifle rimfire cartridge that detonated while you were trying just to get the wrinkles out of a pair of khakis for a job interview…
22. The magic bullet from the JFK assassination.
My wife’s elderly cat could not make it to the litter box in the garage in time, and decided the laundry basket next to the washer was just the place to hide her “business.” Long story short, I didn’t notice the pile of carefully buried cat poo when I dumped the basket into the washer. I just kept restarting the washer again and again, because I wasn’t going to put my hands in there after the first unsuccessful wash cycle.
Where, oh where, are those coyotes when I need one!