me: “So let me get this straight: I pay you five dollars, and in return, you promise not to eat an ounce of roughage for, say, three days. Meanwhile, I can eat as much in the way of beans and cabbage as I want—and in the end, we’re both absolved from any responsibility for personal methane production…?”
poor Mexican migrant worker: ”Si.”
me: “Interesting.
me: “—So. Does this mean you have to follow me around and take the blame if I let one rip in a crowded elevator? Or is that, like, extra…?”
Blasphemy, Jeff! You are not taking the Enviroreich seriously. Algore could start peddling asshole credits, as he controls a large portion of the market.
“There was no controlling digestive authority…”
ROTFLMAO!
TW: may the force82 be with you!
I suggest we call them gasseros.
al gore’s new carbon-offset purchased shrubbery: “Get away from my undocumented migrant worker Goldstein. Someone has a trimming due, and I don’t need you stinking up the place.”
Definitely a job this American doesn’t want to do.
Does lots and lots of iced tea help with this condition?
An Inconvenient Toot
Si!
Are you serial?
Can we use “wetback” again if this becomes law?
Can I get carbon offsets for all of the trees I’ve had planted in Israel? Or do Jewish trees not count?
Jewish trees?
Oh, you mean “future paper money.” Had me confused there for a sec.
Is anyone in contact with anyone at CPAC? How funny to see some Carbon Offset T-Shirts modeled by Malkin et al – Large, digital photos up by 09:00 Fri.
“I bought $200 of Goracle Carbon Offsets because the future has been very good to me”
This is getting into Martha Stewart territory .
Or, “I sold my carbon offsets and all I got was this carbon-free T-shirt.”
Now that would be a neat trick. What would it be made of, metal mesh?
TW:zipper97
Can I get a credit for not getting the onion rings at Burger King? Because that really leaves me with the big-time methane.
TW: you have no class37. but soon, there’ll be a class credit for that.
Oh, you mean “future paper money.†Had me confused there for a sec.
That’s the thing about you Jews, always with the distracting funny. Kinnivers!
I think those are gharqad trees:
JohnAnnArbor, I’m surprised. You mean you can’t see this t-shirt? Why, it’s right here. See how gracefully it falls, see the precision of the shoulder seams, feel this fabric, as smooth as silk. (But not silk, of course.) My tailors assured me there’s nothing like it anywhere else in the world.
They did warn me that certain people might not have the… ocular delicacy, shall we say, to discern it; I just never expected you to be one of them.
This is TOO funny.
Besides, I always thought that after the Inconvenient Toot – there was no carbon to be found.
Anywhere.
But that would make you an…Acidic Jew, Jeff.
.
.
.
[Yeah, it’s stolen. But, damn….do you think I could resist?]
That reminds me, Rush was talking about these offsets today, and one of the companies he mentioned uses the money to capture the methane from cow flatulence. I shit you not. I wondered the same thig he did, which is, how exactly would that work? Do you have to follow the cows around? How do you know when they’re about to fart? Do they get a look on their faces? I mean, I guess you’d know once they did fart, but wouldn’t it be too late then? And how do you collect it? Is there some sort of device, and is it patented? How many cows would it take to use up, say, a thousand dollars worth of offsets? Would this be animal cruelty? Wouldn’t the cows be embarrassed? Am I asking too many questions? Somebody stop me.
It seems to me that collecting cow shit is about as easy as collecting carbon offsets.
Say I have $500 carbon offsets for Middleofthefuckingdesertpowerplant just outside of Bangui. I’m supposed to believe their yearly carbon emission reports? No Joe Wilson to back that shit up? Or is the Goracle gonna validate that shit?
Seems to me a lot of shit follows offsets.
WAIT. I think I found the golden ticket. Mona is the offset validator. Like JG mentioned albeit hypocritically, in an earlier post, she seems to thrive around rectal areas.
So the T Shirt should say: I paid $500 for Carbon Offsets and all I got was a whiff of Gleen’s melly Mona?
How about a flat tax?
Hmmmm.
You know the last time I visited my father, who lives in Montrose, Co, I could’ve used a guy like that. Something about the reduced air pressure or something because I let one go that was so freaking awesome I thought my guts got ejected out of my ass. Seriously it just went on forever.
Beware of high altitudes and abdominal gas. Or at least everyone *else* beware.
“He might as well tell me he’s a Japanese super train that transforms into a tiger.”
Or at least a Super Monkey Robot Team member.
So he’s gettin offsets for this shit too? Bahstahd.
http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=1958
Jeff,
Someone actually quoted this post on Fark. Of course, without attribution.
oh jeez I think i’m finally catching on to this environmental catastrophe….took me a while, since I’m such a pathetic bourgeoisie moron….
So how many of these offset thingies do I have to buy to negate my small SUV? I’m already choosing NOT to buy a minivan….even though I have three young babies and I can’t fit all of their carseats in the back of my car….I decided that SOMEBODY has to take the initiative, so I yanked that booster seat out from under my 4-year-old cuz i can’t cram the 2-year-old and 2-month-old in beside her….damn those japanese and their Rav4’s..
…….3rd glass of pinot noir…..otherwise i wouldn’t reveal that I have three babies…I’m only 28!!!!
Yes! I’ve never caught a First Post in the Conceptual Series!
JG -make sure you ride this Algore wagon till the wheels fall off.
tw: What would31 environment-annihilating Gulf Stream liberals do?
http://newsbusters.org/node/10989 Carbon just got a lot cheaper. Eco for the masses is now available. Rejoice
TW: you can buy alot for $82
Offsets? Offsets?
Jesus, why didn’t I think of that?
So, what do I have to do if I want to keep smoking without hurting Gaia? I mean, is there some way I can purchase “smoking offsets” that will allow me to light up in a bar or restaurant here in California?
I’m still filled with mirth at the Idea that the Galgamesh of Goron pays his offsets to his own company. One of my office mates pointed out that he gets the tax deduction in addition to capitalizing HIS OWN COMPANY!!
I’m just filled with mirth, I tells ya…
Jeff, you simply must continue flog this lifeform like an unveiled woman.
It would be a perfect metaphor if you were the migrants agent and could take a cut of his profits as well.
Fiberglass
Did anybody else get this? Anyone?
It truely is one of the funniest one liners I’ve heard recentley. Bravo.
Shouldn’t it be a flatus tax?…
Great moments in climate prediction
SB: spring45
is sprung, the grass is rizz
I wonder where the flowers is?
<raises hand and waves it back and forth to get the teacher’s attention>
<other kids grumble>
Does anybody else remember the Ali G interview with Ralph Nader? He touched on the problems with methane capture from cows.
Now, now, don’t be so hard on Big Honest Al and his disciples. I mean! He invented the internet and now he’s saving the world as an encore. What a bunch of ingrates!
Attend seminars offered by your institution in topics like grant writing, funding, special grants, tenure review, teaching improvement. ,