Sure, I planted a couple of trees in my backyard when I bought the new house in October. But to be honest, I did it more for aesthetic and practical reasons than out of any fealty to the environmenal movement (the trees are fruit-bearing and will provide both extra shade and privacy once they’ve matured, and should likewise increase the long-term property value of the home), so I can’t help but feel that my efforts to enrich my own life are somehow at odds with the soul-enriching sacrifice required of a genuine eco-warrior. In short, I’ve been selfish.
Which is why I got up this morning and chopped those inauthentic motherfuckers down — then marched back inside, fired up the computer, and purchased me some carbon credits off of eBay. $80 to a guy calling himself “Corky Sandbar,” and I am saved!**
So let no man claim that my concern for the Earth isn’t pure—though, in the short term, I’ll admit I’m having a hard time deciding what to do with this nest of baby Black-headed Grosbeaks now perched precariously on a pile of branches I pruned before hacking away at the trunks.
Maybe my dog’ll figure something out.
Developing…
What a HATER!!!
Bet you wouldn’t have acted so rashly if there’d been White-headed Grosbeaks in that tree!
TW: Yeah, yeah… cry me a river33…
Hmmmm.
$80? Damn man! I’d have given you the same deal for only $150. That’s a frigging bargain! Why?
‘Cause the most important part of buying carbon credits is the ultimate cynical self-congratulatory self-abasement that goes along with it. Not only must you feel unworthy but you must also feel smug that you can get away with illogical shit like this.
And you can’t get that for only $80. It takes at least, **least** I say!, $150. Or more likely $500. Shit man let’s make it an even $50,000 and I’ll even throw in a backrub by a very limber visiting migrant Mexican midget.
Is it a deal?
But what about the shade, Neocon? Have you no
soulhammock?All hail Jeff, the Great Eco-Warrior!
I think there’s more to the “Carbon Offset” construct than is being credit. Let’s extend this thinking to other situations where actions deemed “wrong” or “damaging” could be mitigated by an the purchase of an “offset”;
– If a rapist were to get his victim pregnant, shouldn’t he get less prison time by purchasing a “Pregnancy Offset”, i.e., sending a check to Planned Parenthood?
– Conversely, could a murderer get time off his sentence for sending a donation to a Fertility Clinic, thereby helping to create a new life to “offset” his taking of one?
– Maybe drunk drivers could get their license
back immediately by sending a large donation to MAAD?
See, there’s all sorts of way to mitigate the “evil” we do by “purchasing offsets”. Of course, in the past we’ve simply given the money to trials lawyers (as in the case of O.J.) to achieve, effectively, dispensation for any wrongful acts.
Just thinking….
I am beginning to see the infinite wisdom of Dr, GW, Algored. There fore I am formaly announcing that I can help folks with their Carbon Footprint.
Some of those other scammers, conmen, thieves Carbon credit clearing house will plant a tine tree[ that will probably die anyway] in your name for $15-20 each, At the 1sttofight Carbon Free forest, I will label a full grown tree in your name for only $99/year. Yes , that is a FULL GROWN TREE with your name printed on a very durable tasteful piece of yellow plastic tape firmly tied around the FULL GROWN TREE.
Cash or MO accepted, NO personal checks.
Ease your conscience and mail your 1st years payment to;
1sttofight Scam
PO box 549
bumfuced, Ala 66666
Grosbeaks are notorious expirators of CO2. So is your dog by the way. You know what you have to do.
60 % of all that sweet , sweet Kyoto loot goes here. Five or six hundred coal fired power needs some serious dough man ….. not to mention Maurice Strongs’ cut .
Jeff, you do realize that Al Gore is the Antichrist, don’t you?
Just a friendly warning. You don’t want to get too close to this guy.
Might cause you some problems79
Mr Goldstein:
Did you use an axe to chop down these innocent trees (thus increasing your metabolism and causing you to exhale more CO2), or did you use the modern invention of the chainsaw, powered by a two-cycle engine, which really requires a carbon emision offset?
I used the propellers from a wind turbine, actually. The left over energy I used to fuel my blender.
Mmmmm. Daiquiris!
I say you make a nice little bonfire out of those former trees, and then bbbq the hell out of those grosbeaks.
Between Jeff and Rumsfield and Mister Tee its a mirracle theres any trees left at all.,
Dont even get me strated on Chimpy.,
BLASPHEMER!!!! ……unless of course ya tithe an extra few bucks to Gaia , then it’s cool .
Hmmmmmm ……. Ecovangelist ….. damn , I just might be onto something . Anyone know what Swaggerts’ up to these days ?
Didn’t Jim Bakker get 45 years in the clink for selling lifetime memberships to the PTL Club? Y’know, send in your money and help the world?
What are the church and state implications if a tax pops up in the name of Global Warmspeterianism?
Tammy Bakker was so hot.
Of course, you all realize that coal is the worst environmental poluter. So..
I’m going to offer a new service: For every $100 you contribute I’ll agree to not mine 10 tons of coal. I figure I should start small, so the first year I’ll not mine say 10,000 tons, for a gross income of $100,000. Naturally, as I’d be not mining coal, I’d not need a coal mine, any of that messy, noisy heavy equipment stuff, or any of those expensive union miners. In fact, I’d be able to run the whole not mining operation from my kitchen table, so that $100,000 would be almost purely profit.
With such low overhead I’d be able to expand quickly and I expect that in five years I’d be not mining close to ten million tons a year, for a gross of $100 million. Stock in the company will be closely held, so let me know if you want in on the ground floor!
Get yourself incorporated and I’m in!
…. gross , now Jessica Hahn ….. I’d a hit that .
Damn! That’s the most ingenious plan I’ve heard of since my grandpa made a fortune not growing wheat in Kansas!
I’m in. But not before the crack of noon, ok?
Heck, for only fifty bucks, I’ll agree not to mine twice as much coal than that there Swen fella.
Let the price wars begin!
Well, for a cool $100 mill, I won’t build a nuclear power plant.
Hmmm.
Hah! I’ve got you all beat.
For a cool $1 billion I’ll not build a commercially viable fusion power plant, not build an interstellar starship aaaaannnnnddddd I’ll also not hit on Christie Brinkley.
Of which the latter is a real sacrifice since she’s old enough to be my mother and still hot as hell.
And that combination is really frigging rare folks!
You guys are missing the whole point of Reverend Bill ‘s Ecovangelist message….. tax-exempt salvation for one and all . PRAISE GAIA , BROTHERS AND SISTERS , oh , and pass the plate .
Bastard . Back to the balloon fences , I suppose .
h/t moneyrunner, linked at Jeff’s first * above.
Except for one “probe”, which crash-landed in Tennessee. Which explains why Algore is the shape he is, and a whole lot more besides.
D. Cat has a good point, I should form a non-profit corporation. All donations will be tax deductible!
…
I think I’ll need a good lawyer.
TW: idea91 Oh, I have these ideas all the time, but this one could be legal!
…And the “A brief conversation with my HOA covenant” series continues!
Reverend Swen ,
The time line on this little business venture is important . Wiht people like this converting the unwashed heathens for us , we can’t lose brother !! Off to stock up on Brylcreme.
Seems like their was an English bastard that made a pie from his two and twenty blackbirds. Don’t recall which one it was.