Yesterday, subbing for O’Reilly, Michelle Malkin expressed skepticism regarding Barbara Boxer’s proposed “Airline Passengers’ Bill of Rights.” There then issued an outpouring of love and well-wishes in the comments section thereto devoted at Think Progress (where thinking would mark progress).
Personally, I’d like for Patrick Leahy to sponsor a fast food drive-through customers’ bill of rights.
What other consumers’ bills of rights do you think that our legislators ought to implement?
Personally, I would like to have the legally sanctioned right to kick the ass of every specimen of redundant protoplasm too lazy to get their fat asses out of the car and buy their burgers standing.
I want a Save our children from Jewish Anti-Jesus “science” Bill of Rights
Liberalism. It’s about freedom of choice.
The Strip Mall Bill of Rights.
You are entitled to have one Korean Dry Cleaning establishment, one Nail Salon and at least one Frozen Yogurt palace.
I want an Old Farts’ Bill of Rights.
1. Keep your goddamn underwear on, you little slut!
2. Pull up your pants, nobody wants to see your goddamn butt crack!
3. Creating mini-earthquakes in traffic AIN’T MUSIC!
4. Any little bastard comes near me on those stupid shoe-skates, I pile-drive him into the concrete.
5. Twice.
Blog Reader’s Bill of Rights:
1. Bloggers should use Sans Serif (Univers) Font when they’re being sarcastic, ironic, or satirical.
2. Bloggers should use Serif fonts (Times Roman) when they’re attempting to be serious.
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Actually, that could be more of a blogging ‘convention’ rather than a reader’s bill of rights. But, hell, we’re going for a nanny state here.
Think of all the confusion and subsequent explication that simple convention would save.
<font face=”sans-serif”>Sounds like a great idea.</font>
It doesn’t work.
6. If it’s at Disney Word, three times.
7. Then the little bastard’s “parents” once for good measure.
If we can put a man on the moon we can get effing different fonts to work on blogs.
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I think Blue Tooth enabled headsets should be mandated to have a strobe light attached that blinks when you’re talking on the phone.
It’d be useful to know whether a person has a reason to not be paying attention as they’re comporting themselves in public.
Think of it as a public safety issue … one that involves children.
I was thinking a Bill of Rights Bill of Rights might be a good idea.
Drivers Bill of Rights
1. Cell phones automatically hang up on the on ramp to the interstate…or at least the fast lane.
2. People who read while driving will be arrested and forced to watch old re-runs of The Golden Girls.
3. Women that insist on putting their make-up on while driving will be forced to wear their hair like Amanda Marcotte.
4. Guys who spend more then 20% of their drive time talking on the phone will carry purses to indicate to everybody that they are turning into women. Or carry proper paperwork if its work related……at such time you drivers licence will be immediatlly revoked.
Normal People’s Bill of Rights:
1. Speed limits are only suggestions to people with “Normal Person” licenses, as they have demonstrated an ability to use their brains (reckless driving still applies).
2. Signals with lights directing left turn traffic are only precautionary.
3. All signals are only precautionary after 2am.
4. OSHA standards do not apply to those licensed as Normal People; nor do city building codes.
5. Social Security taxes are not withdrawn from Normal People; they can manage their own retirement.
6. Normal People can, and are encouraged to, carry guns wherever they want.
Speaking of wheelie-shoes, I want to kick this kid’s ass.
Well, the Democrats just passed The Terrorists Bill of Rights.
What else could a treasonous bunch of baboons do to encourage our enemies?
The strip-club patron’s bill of rights:
1. If the stripper entices you into the private room and it costs you $100 to get in there, you should not have to feed a $20 bill into a machine every 30 seconds thereafter.
2. If you pay a stripper more than $100 in an individual session, you have an inalienable right to have sex with her.
3. If the only reason you’re in the strip club giving a stripper money in the first place is because you are shit-faced drunk, you have a right not to be told in a disapproving tone by any strippers that you smell like you’ve been drinking.
Normal Driver’s Bill of Rights
If one drives a cab or if one owns a Cadillac, it is prima facie evidence of incompetence, and said driver’s licence is automatically suspended.
Screw Bill. I want a Steve of Rights.
How about if we agree to give you a Steve bill of rights and in return you agree to let us forego screwing Bill….
I want the right to mow my neighbors lawn without getting shot at. How the fuck did I know she wanted it long!
4. If the buffet has chicken legs, thumb guards will be provided.
I use to drive a cab. I was only incompetent in the taxi – once I was back in my own car, I drove… well, better than average by Boston standards, anyway.
Incidentally, I think of myself as a Steve of Wrongs.
Ok, a Steve of Rights:
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said “Breakfast Anytime.” So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I just bought a decaffinated coffee table.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Congress shall make no law abridging the right of the people to clothesline skateboarders…
I have a right to leave the gorcery store without being hit up for gas money by a woman driving a Cadillac Escalade.
The third time she ask me for money , I suggested that she might park her Cadillac instead of driving around to each sucker….I mean potential donor. As way of saving some gas.
They work on the blog—just not in comments. Jeff must have “safe HTML only” checked. Which, that’s probably for the best.
Is it legal for the owner of the blog to win Best in Thread? Or is there a rule like the one that says employees, stockholders and creditors of Publishers’ Clearing House can’t win the $10 million?
Is it legal for the owner of the blog to win Best in Thread? Or is there a rule like the one that says employees, stockholders and creditors of Publishers’ Clearing House can’t win the $10 million?
Posted by McGehee | permalink
Not till after the investigation.
There’s widespread suspicion the only reason for this post was giving the author the opportunity to use that comment. Rumor has it he’s been saving it for something like 7 mos.
story99 Tell me another one Goldstein.
What about the right to saw down any tree, hedge or other obstruction interfering with entering the main road from my street? The right to execute on the spot people too lazy to shovel the snow from the bottom of their driveway – but not too lazy to try to blast through it even though they couldn’t see oncoming traffic? Even if they bothered to look?
I’ll settle for the right to stay home until it melts.
I have the inalienable right to gangster slap with either hand the lazy sacks of shit who refuse to clear ice and snow from their vehicles before getting on the interstate. Worse still, these vile cretins are usually babbling away on the phone and miss me flipping the bird.
It’s time for a ”Post No Bills” Bill of Rights.
The Supermarket Parking Lot Bill of Rights:
1. When you’re done with your cart, return it to the store or one of the designated cart areas instead of leaving it in a fucking parking space.
2. If someone in a vehicle slows down to let an able-bodied person walk from the curb to their car, said able-bodied person should pick up the fucking pace.
3. If you’re selling overpriced candy or soliciting donations for some shady “charity” that nobody’s heard of, you’re not allowed to look annoyed if patrons don’t give you money.
4. Leave your dog at home. Don’t leave it in the car while you go shopping. Especially if it’s a yappy little fucker.
There’s just one problem with that theory—Jeff isn’t the author of the post.
Pipesmokers’ Bill of Rights
1. Everyone has a Right to As Many Matches As They Need.
2. … Wait a minute while I refill this pipe …
I bought some dehydrated water, but I didn’t know what to add.
This morning, I woke up and someone had stolen everything in my apartment and replaced it with exact replicas.
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Does it have anything to do with that song?
A Bill of Rights Demander’s Bill of Rights.
I would start with a demand for the right to call my bill a Bill of Rights.
I would be happy if the collective morons in DC would actually pretend that they respected the original Bill of Rights. Instead, we get McCain-Feingold eroding the First Amendment, every liberal and coward imaginable trying to hamstring the Second, and an entire Federal Government machine busily ignoring the Ninth and Tenth.
Can’t we just get back to what the document actually says,rather than what some revisionist Historian telling us what the Founders really meant when they said “shall not be infringed”.
Too late for that Drumwaster–the Constitution now means whatever five highly liberal mentally challenged black-robers who have never worked a day in their lives think they should say it means to ensure backslaps at their next cocktail party—see Wickard v. Filburn for details.
The problem is that the folks in D.C. think the Bill of Rights is something we’re supposed to pay—and if we miss too many payments they’ll repossess.