Spent this afternoon casing my new neighborhood for evidence of covert leftwing infiltration—something which, to the highly trained eye, will manifest itself in otherwise unremarkable quotidiana, be it the type of lift kit one puts on one’s Jeep Wrangler Rubicon, or the way the creases run down one’s quilt-lined Carhartt coveralls.
To date, I’ve managed to identify three compelling suspects—one of whom I believe to be an imminent threat (thanks in large part to persistent rumors that he hates sports, and that he is plotting a well-financed run for the HMO presidency).
And sorry, but I just can’t stand idly by and watch some duplicitous former Yippie, citing ambiguous “noise and safety concerns,” take away my right to erect a Reebok 51563 Revolution 52” portable basketball system in my driveway.
Which is why the gentlemen in question may or may not be bound, gagged, and packed in my grandmother’s old cedar hope chest, which itself may or may not be wrapped in several old comforters and en route, via some DHL Express cargo plane, to a nice little cottage just outside Sint-Niklaas in Belgium.
All for $72 (including insurance) and a role of duct tape, hypothetically speaking. What a country!
Developing…
Shower?
Film at 11?
Jeff,
Just remember: Real patriots don’t wear flip-flops.
Either A) I’m having another flashback,
B) I accidentally grabbed the wrong aspirin bottle this morning before work and I took about 15,000mg’s of mdma about 20 minutes ago,
C)There is some sort of malfunctioning of the tubes that bring the internets to us and this post has been altered,or
D) The guy making the run for the homeowners association has the entire neighborhood wired. Most likely he is watching every move you make and listening in to all your conversations. It appears that he has even begun editing your work.
I recommend that for the time being (until you can have the house swept for bugs) instead of interacting normally with your family you should do nothing but take turns reading the New Testament to each other replacing Jesus with Obama every time it appears. This should confuse him and give you some time to arrange for his “accidental” demise.
The roll of duct tape has a major role in this hypothetical development…..
WTF?
Um… Didn’t there used to be some updates here somewhere?
I guess I picked the wrong week to give up mescaline, huh?
Word to wise, make sure to pay all bills in full and on time.
No joke: I spent Saturday at a birthday party and the next door neighbor, 81 years old and still smokin’ and drinkin’ like Ozzy in ‘72, said to me:
You look like a closet Republican to me.
I had earlier told her she was a genius in some context(s) for living so long, and her observation about me only bolstered my opinion of her deductive reasoning skills.
Since I was on my best behavior though, not talking politics in any way, I wondered how she pegged me. Now I see she has just perfected her ability to spot the covert wingnuts much like Goldstein, only opposite.
EasyLiving
Declowning
Why is it that most HOA presidents turn out to be lefties? My president, Professor at UCI….Like he doesn’t have enough on his resume…
It’s all part of the Long March on the institutions.
Why is it that most HOA presidents turn out to be lefties?
It’s that whole “benign” control, passive-aggressive liberal thing. He knows what’s best for all of you, and he’s willing to do something as boring as run for president of the HOA.
Jeff, there may or may not be some breathing holes in your grandmother’s chest, right?
Well, and what Kevin B says, too.
Oh shit. Breathing holes?
(Er, I mean, Oh hypothetical shit…)
Today the HOA, day after tomorrow the world!
(’Cause tomorrow’s just not good for me. I have to interview for a new nanny and that means brushing up on my Spanish.)
I was going to take you to task for this, until, I, you know, finished reading the sentence:
Here in the Boat, we see many creased Carhartts – but never coveralls. Those who wear coveralls are, and obviously self selecting, a different breed. Another difference – here creased Carhartts have neither stains, nor frayed cuffs.
FWIW
I like to keep a White Castle in the breast pocket of a new Carhatt jacket for the first week. Once that puppy soaks through, it makes it look like you just changed the U-joint on a Powerwagon.
But which Mary is Hilary?
…Breast pocket on a Carhatt jacket???
Infiltrator!!!
It’s got a zipper. I think it’s for the Life Call.
If it’s got a zipper, it’s not a breast pocket.
Think again, my man. It’s the new Members Only Carhartt.
It’s the new Members Only Carhartt.
Auuugh! Will the ‘80’s revival never end?
Ooooh… MEMBERS only…
Blowback mountain sheepboys will be… besides themselves.
Geez bains
Sorry if anyone was too stupid to recognize the sarcasm…
It’s all those g_ddamned creased Carharttists fault…
Just the same, you might want to think about doubling down on the oatmeal tomorrow morning.
Goody good goody, the latest from Ann:
“John Murtha: Caving In to Arabs Since 1980
by Ann Coulter”
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=19531
I read today that there are only two ex-Marines, Lee Harvey Oswald and John Patrick Murtha.
Can you provide a link? I’ve been waiting for Murtha to get the heave-ho.
Those should be essential elements of every family’s emergency kit. I love the PW News You Can Use bits, Jeff. Keep it up!
Who is the “third man”? Orson Wells, perhaps?
Why would you need insurance?
I really like that cedar chest.
And the comforters ain’t nothing to sneeze at, either.
Jeff, after a week or two with a person in them, you won’t want either the comforters or the cedar chest.
Bah. Ever heard of Lysol wipes?
Lyme?
Well, buying a large quantity of that about the same time as the lack of the neihbor is noticed might raise suspicions.
Ms. Bourk wrapped her annoyance in blankets before stashing him in the wooden box and during his three years in the U-Stor-It, surrounded it with bags of potting soil and lots of air freshners.
He was quite mummified when found.
The unfortunate Robert Bourk was thereafter referred to in our office as “Bob in the Box”
You can catch a disease from that.