Television Presenter: And I’m just being informed that there’s been a major break in the Pwn3dagon 2 case. We’re going live to Bob Robertson outside of the Edwards compound. Bob, can you hear me?
Reporter: Hi, Tom!
Television Presenter: Well, I understand there’s been some kind of resolution?
Reporter: Yes, Tom . . . it’s . . . it’s hard to hear you with all the noise that’s being made by the Netroots supporters of these two female bloggers. The Edwards team has decided to keep them on for now, subject to certain conditions.
Televison Presenter: What about the incendiary statements regarding religion and the Catholic Church in particular?
Reporter: In essence, the bloggers disavow them, and say that, uh . . . they were satirically intended, and Edwards says that that’s good enough for him.
Television Presenter: What about Mr. Donohoe of The Catholic League? It seems that he’s been pushing the issue. Is he going to accept this? Bill?
Reporter: Well, that’s really one of the interesting things. Senator Edwards, as you know, is kind of a slick, lawyerly negotiator, and it seems that he and Donohoe have hammered out an agreement in principle.
Television Presenter: So, Edwards gets to keep his blog team and not alienate the Netroots this early in the game. What’s in it for Donohue?
Reporter: From what I understand, Mr. Donohue’s gotten, um . . . tangible assurances that they won’t go off like that again.
Television Presenter: What do you mean, tangible assurances?
Reporter: Well, Marcotte’s and McEwan’s vaginas are being held in escrow for the duration of the campaign.
. . . . .
Television Presenter: Come again?
Reporter: Can you hear me, Tom? I said their vaginas are being held in escrow!
Television Presenter: What do you mean, their . . . vaginas are being held in escrow?
Reporter: Apparently, it’s the only thing that would satisfy Donohoe. I guess it really bothers him, and other so-called “Godbags,” the idea of Marcotte, especially, having hot nasty sweaty sex over and over and over and over again, not for the purposes of procreation.
. . . .
Television Presenter: But . . . how are they supposed to enforce that?
Reporter: Well, it’s interesting that you should ask that because I have . . . here . . . a chastity belt. It’s worn around the waist like so, and then swings under, like so, and then it’s locked at the side. Titanium steel.
Television Presenter: How does one . . . go to the bathroom?
Reporter: Oh, it’s specially modified. This is just an off-the-shelf model for illustration.
Televison Presenter: So, a happy ending all around?
Reporter: Yes, and they gain access to the phallocentric order by virtue of supporting this person with a penis, Senator Edwards, and the order itself is stabilized by the removal of these “free radicals,” so to speak.
Television Presenter: That looks like a nasty gash you’ve got on your arm, Bob.
Reporter: Huh? Oh, the bandage! Yes, one of the young women here mistook me for a member of the Patriarchy and cut me. It was a misunderstanding. I showed her my press credentials. I guess they were looking to whup some ass.
But over here on my other arm, I have Amanda Marcotte, one of the Pwn3dagon 2. Amanda, can you tell us what you’re feeling right now?
Marcotte:
My writings on my personal blog Pandagon on the issue of religion are generally satirical in nature and always intended strictly as a criticism of public policies and politics. My intention is never to offend anyone for his or her personal beliefs, and I am sorry if anyone was personally offended by writings meant only as criticisms of public politics. Freedom of religion and freedom of expression are central rights, and the sum of my personal writings is a testament to this fact.
Reporter: Is there anything you’d like to add, Amanda?
. . . .
So, back to you, Tom.
News Presenter: Thanks a lot, Bob. I was worried that you’d be there for a long time. Have a safe trip home.
Reporter: I wish, Tom! But I’ve got to get down to Florida for the Anna Nicole funeral. So see you next week!
News Presenter: Thanks, Bob. So, that was our Bob Robertson reporting from the Edwards compound. And now, we move on to this.
If you thought this post was funny, please consider signing my petition.
A riff on Doonesbury’s 1984 classic. Very nice.
Amanda is addicted to hateblogging. She’s not going to give it up. The question is whether we can catch her at it. She’ll be sneaking off the Edwards reservation to post things on other blogs; as long as there is plausible deniability Edwards won’t mind.
Thanks, Daryl. It’s entirely possible that I got the idea there, though I didn’t remember.
Amanda’s not going to find doing so anonymously very fun, if I infer things about her correctly. And if she does spill to anyone, chances are she’ll be caught.
It is apparent the cursing and invective were the glue that held her posts together.
It will be interesting to see if she can actually make a point without them. This wasn’t a good start.
Yep, them tarbabies is some sticky…
There’s no sociopathic vaginal supremacist like a whipped sociopathic vaginal supremacist, I always say.
Let the games continue!
Oh, and thanks, John. I was getting ready to grieve. But it’s alive!
Woo Hoo!
In a perfect world –
I mean a perfect, perfect world,
A policy issue will manifest. It will be revealed that Amanda is making less than minimum wage to be John Edward’s blogmaster.
Figure Edwards is paying $1,500-$2,000 per month, Amanda’s working long days … if the days get long enough, she could be making $2,500 – $3,000 per month and it’d still be under minimum wage.
Senator Edwards, it seems you pay your staffers less than minimum wage, why?
–
You can pay employees in one of four ways:
1. By the job
2. By the month/bimonthly (such as the military)
3. By the week/every other week
4. By the hour
Only in that last condition does “minimum wage” actually apply, AFAIK.
I forgot “commission sales”, but I think that could arguably count as “by the job”…
read the rest…
Why?
It is apparent the cursing and invective were the glue that held her posts together.
The swearing is a superficial thing that’s easy to add or subtract. I don’t think she’ll miss that.
But… if you disagreed with her, she would attack your motives (homophobe! anti-woman! fear of female sexuality! racist! etc. etc. etc.)
Was that just a choice she made as to how to get her message across? Or is that idea central to her beliefs–the idea that everyone who disagrees with her is sick and twisted in some way?
I feel sorry for her new coworkers. She’s going to telecommute, right?
I get the feeling that “by the job” will be the preferred method of compensation.
Ok. Who came up with Pwn3dagon?
Because I’m totally howling here.
Sondra, that was Jim Treacher.
What’s Rosie ODonnel have to say about Edwards giving them a second chance? After her tif with Trump she must have an opinion.
I really loved the whole thing. In the end, to put it in terms the lovely Miss Marcotte will understand, John Edwards publicly bitch-slapped Miss McEwan and her, saying that some of their writing “personnally offended” him and “that kind of intolerant language will not be permitted from anyone on my campaign, whether it’s intended as satire, humor, or anything else.”
Then he makes them publicly abjure much of what they wrote, the very things that got them an audience in the first place, so that they can keep their jobs.
He might as well start calling them Monica.
For Pwn3dagon:
http://tinyurl.com/2vv74t
Hi, Beth. It seems all right to me. Will it not take your info?
I can’t check that site out from work, Beth.
Yeah, but you notice it’s OUR FAULT (and obviously, Edwards’ fault) that we stupidly misinterpreted their obviously humorous “satire.”
Besides, even if she did offend, she doesn’t really think
godbagsCatholics are ignorant, female-hating tools of Teh Patriarchy, because she asked aSky FairyistCatholic (Ilyka) to guest-blog at Pwn3dagon. See? She couldn’t possibly be a bigot! She was just joking!Okay, I have figured it out, notice how she starts her statement:
See, she starts by pointing out she is usually satirical, so when she follows with this:
She is being satirical! Oh man, you uptight wingers just can’t take a joke!
OMGWTFLOLOLOLORZ! What a card!
It’s amanda.marcotte.justgot0wned.com
(replace the 0 with o–the blacklist doesn’t like it)
Turn off the audio, because it’s not crude, just sorta loud.
remind me again, which part is the satire, the writings on her blog, or her appology?
Yes.
Looks like it’s not over yet. Linked at Powerline
http://blog.johnedwards.com/comments/2007/2/8/205339/4173/2