In Laos, there once was a very Lazy Man who lived by himself in a one-room shack. Rain dripped from holes in his roof. Wind gusted in from gaping holes in his walls.
“Work is for fools,” he reminded himself—and he avoided it like Bill Clinton avoids taking responsibility, or Bill Maher avoids chicks over 17. And though the Lazy Man called himself a farmer, all this really meant was that he had a few sparse crops surviving in untended fields, and a few skinny pigs living in his filthy basement.
In order to eat, once in a while the Lazy Man had to get a job, which lasted a short time, and for which he was paid in food. This saved him a trip to the market.
One fall, the Lazy Man worked for a whole week in the neighbor’s rice fields. He was a bit ashamed for having worked so hard, but in the end, he received a large jar of rice.
“I will hoard the rice until late this winter,” the Lazy Man told himself. “Then, when its value increases, I’ll sell it and use the money to buy ten little pigs.
“When the pigs grow large and fat, I’ll sell them and use the money to buy a hundred little pigs!
“And when those are grown, I’ll sell them, too, and voila!—a thousand pigs!”
The Lazy Man was now very excited. Starting with a single jar of rice, he could eventually become the richest man in all of Laos!
“When my thousand pigs are fat enough,” the Lazy Man went on, “I will sell them, and buy more pigs than my neighbors ever dreamed possible. Then I’ll get hitched to a gold digging hottie and have a son, who’ll honor me by waiting on me hand and foot.
“As for the bimbo—well, she’ll be off looking after the pigs. And if she balks, I’ll cancel her charge cards and kick her right in her fat ass, just like this –”
So saying, the Lazy Man raised his foot and inadvertantly hit the jar of rice with his heel, knocking it off the bed where it smashed onto the floor.
The jar now lay in a hundred pieces. The rice fell through the wide cracks in the boards and was eaten by the hungry pigs. And Lazy Man didn’t even bother to get up to save a small handful for his supper.
“Oh well. Fuck it,” he said—and went on to invent both instant rice and Tupperware, all while sitting on his Lazy ass. Then the Lazy Man lived happily ever after with an entire harem of Asian party girls who liked to lick crystal meth off of his Lazy thighs and junk.
~ finis ~
Wow. I can’t wait for the second chapter, where the ending of the first is described in sordid detail.
Postscript: When he did get married, he forgot to sign a premup with his wife (who had been a model). We all know how well that worked out…
Laziness is the true mother of invention.
Necessity is but its favorite auntie. Or something like that.
In Asian, “party” means “penis-concealing.”
So, is that “and junk” used to refer to ambiguous, generic acts like “oh, we went to the mall and junk” or is it junk as in “dude, she was so drunk she had her hands down my pants grabbing my junk at her parents’ dinner table.”
The mental imagery absolutely depends on it. Thanks.
why not both MScott?
So when he was contemplating his lazy junk, he invented Viagra, and lived happily ever after. With the Asian party girls, of course.
You knew this story couldn’t end with instant rice, didn’t you?
This isn’t some kind of anti-capitalist screed is it?
Once upon a time, there was a senate candidate, and he used all his opponent’s fictional pedophilic fantasies against him….
Talk about a role model..
So, like, are you back? Can we, your regulars, return?
And while I’ve got the needle out, how’s the weather in sunny Colorado?
Here’s a bizarre myth for you:
One thing that struck me as odd in the days after 9/11 was Bush saying “We will not tolerate conspiracy theories [regarding 9/11]”. Sure enough there have been some wacky conspiracy theories surrounding the events of that day. The most far-fetched and patently ridiculous one that I’ve ever heard goes like this: Nineteen hijackers who claimed to be devout Muslims but yet were so un-Muslim as to be getting drunk all the time, doing cocaine and frequenting strip clubs decided to hijack four airliners and fly them into buildings in the northeastern U.S., the area of the country that is the most thick with fighter bases. After leaving a Koran on a barstool at a strip bar after getting shitfaced drunk on the night before, then writing a suicide note/inspirational letter that sounded like it was written by someone with next to no knowledge of Islam, they went to bed and got up the next morning hung over and carried out their devious plan. Nevermind the fact that of the four “pilots” among them there was not a one that could handle a Cessna or a Piper Cub let alone fly a jumbo jet, and the one assigned the most difficult task of all, Hani Hanjour, was so laughably incompetent that he was the worst fake “pilot” of the bunch. Nevermind the fact that they received very rudimentary flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station, making them more likely to have been C.I.A. assets than Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. So on to the airports. These “hijackers” somehow managed to board all four airliners with their tickets, yet not even ONE got his name on any of the flight manifests. So they hijack all four airliners and at this time passengers on United 93 start making a bunch of cell phone calls from 35,000 feet in the air to tell people what was going on. Nevermind the fact that cell phones wouldn’t work very well above 4,000 feet, and wouldn’t work at ALL above 8,000 feet. But the conspiracy theorists won’t let that fact get in the way of a good fantasy. That is one of the little things you “aren’t supposed to think about”. Nevermind that one of the callers called his mom and said his first and last name, more like he was reading from a list than calling his own mom. Anyway, when these airliners each deviated from their flight plan and didn’t respond to ground control, NORAD would any other time have followed standard operating procedure (and did NOT have to be told by F.A.A. that there were hijackings because they were watching the same events unfold on their own radar) which means fighter jets would be scrambled from the nearest base where they were available on standby within a few minutes, just like every other time when airliners stray off course. But of course on 9/11 this didn’t happen, not even close. Somehow these “hijackers” must have used magical powers to cause NORAD to stand down, as ridiculous as this sounds because total inaction from the most high-tech and professional Air Force in the world would be necessary to carry out their tasks. So on the most important day in its history the Air Force was totally worthless. Then they had to make one of the airliners look like a smaller plane, because unknown to them the Naudet brothers had a videocamera to capture the only known footage of the North Tower crash, and this footage shows something that is not at all like a jumbo jet, but didn’t have to bother with the South Tower jet disguising itself because that was the one we were “supposed to see”. Anyway, as for the Pentagon they had to have Hani Hanjour fly his airliner like it was a fighter plane, making a high G-force corkscrew turn that no real airliner can do, in making its descent to strike the Pentagon. But these “hijackers” wanted to make sure Rumsfeld survived so they went out of their way to hit the farthest point in the building from where Rumsfeld and the top brass are located. And this worked out rather well for the military personnel in the Pentagon, since the side that was hit was the part that was under renovation at the time with few military personnel present compared to construction workers. Still more fortuitous for the Pentagon, the side that was hit had just before 9/11 been structurally reinforced to prevent a large fire there from spreading elsewhere in the building. Awful nice of them to pick that part to hit, huh? Then the airliner vaporized itself into nothing but tiny unidentifiable pieces no bigger than a fist, unlike the crash of a real airliner when you will be able to see at least some identifiable parts, like crumpled wings, broken tail section etc. Why, Hani Hanjour the terrible pilot flew that airliner so good that even though he hit the Pentagon on the ground floor the engines didn’t even drag the ground!! Imagine that!! Though the airliner vaporized itself on impact it only made a tiny 16 foot hole in the building. Amazing. Meanwhile, though the planes hitting the Twin Towers caused fires small enough for the firefighters to be heard on their radios saying “We just need 2 hoses and we can knock this fire down” attesting to the small size of it, somehow they must have used magical powers from beyond the grave to make this morph into a raging inferno capable of making the steel on all forty-seven main support columns (not to mention the over 100 smaller support columns) soften and buckle, then all fail at once. Hmmm. Then still more magic was used to make the building totally defy physics as well as common sense in having the uppermost floors pass through the remainder of the building as quickly, meaning as effortlessly, as falling through air, a feat that without magic could only be done with explosives. Then exactly 30 minutes later the North Tower collapses in precisely the same freefall physics-defying manner. Incredible. Not to mention the fact that both collapsed at a uniform rate too, not slowing down, which also defies physics because as the uppermost floors crash into and through each successive floor beneath them they would shed more and more energy each time, thus slowing itself down. Common sense tells you this is not possible without either the hijackers’ magical powers or explosives. To emphasize their telekinetic prowess, later in the day they made a third building, WTC # 7, collapse also at freefall rate though no plane or any major debris hit it. Amazing guys these magical hijackers. But we know it had to be “Muslim hijackers” the conspiracy theorist will tell you because (now don’t laugh) one of their passports was “found” a couple days later near Ground Zero, miraculously “surviving” the fire that we were told incinerated planes, passengers and black boxes, and also “survived” the collapse of the building it was in. When common sense tells you if that were true then they should start making buildings and airliners out of heavy paper and plastic so as to be “indestructable” like that magic passport. The hijackers even used their magical powers to bring at least seven of their number back to life, to appear at american embassies outraged at being blamed for 9/11!! BBC reported on that and it is still online. Nevertheless, they also used magical powers to make the american government look like it was covering something up in the aftermath of this, what with the hasty removal of the steel debris and having it driven to ports in trucks with GPS locators on them, to be shipped overseas to China and India to be melted down. When common sense again tells you that this is paradoxical in that if the steel was so unimportant that they didn’t bother saving some for analysis but so important as to require GPS locators on the trucks with one driver losing his job because he stopped to get lunch. Hmmmm. Yes, this whole story smacks of the utmost idiocy and fantastical far-fetched lying, but it is amazingly enough what some people believe. Even now, five years later, the provably false fairy tale of the “nineteen hijackers” is heard repeated again a
nd again, and is accepted without question by so many Americans. Which is itself a testament to the innate psychological cowardice of the American sheeple, i mean people, and their abject willingness to believe something, ANYTHING, no matter how ridiculous in order to avoid facing a scary uncomfortable truth. Time to wake up America.
oh, wow, and i thought it was going to be a slow night.
tw: plane46. OMG!!! that settles it for me. BUSH LIED! PEOPLE DIED!
Enlightenment: Go get the Popular Mechanics book. It’s a lot more credible than you are.
WTF?
I really don’t feel like dealing with Enlightenment’s idiocy, but I will point out one thing. The whole point of martyrdom is that you don’t have to be a perfect muslim to get into heaven. Its a get outta hell free card, so to speak.
P.S. “Enlightenment,” you’re retarded.
It’s easy to spot the insane ranting. Just note the lack of paragraph breaks and move on.
I will admit I didn’t get more than 3 sentences in, yet I feel confident in my assessment.
Somebody’s off their meds…
Englightenment has posted that on other blogs, also without paragraphs. Which means he’s cutting and pasting and still can’t be bothered to take a few minutes to edit. That’s lazy.
Imagine if the guys wiring the explosives in the WTC had been that lazy.
Well, at least Enlightenment kept his margins straight.
What’s that you say? It’s automatic?
Damn—these Laotians ARE inventive!
He missed the fact that the military industrial comples is run by a secret cabal of the Jooooooooooooooosssssssssss!!
Lazy editing indeed! and, BTW, South Park got it right…
That might be the single stupidest thing I have read on teh interwebs.
Alot of big trucking companies keep track of their trucks with GPS these days, guys driving dumptruck loads of sand get fired for unauthorized breaks and speeding all the time. You think the sand is part of some nefarious conspiracy?
B Moe: That particular delusional meandering has all of the stupidest rantings on teh interweb. To point them all out would require a pot of Sumatran coffee and 3 liters of Pepto Bismol. Ignore the poor, sorry tin hat freak and repeat after me.
John Murtha: What a maroon!!
There, don’t you feel all tingly better now?
BTW: I’m in the steel pipe business. Most interstate trucks have GPS as a matter of course and there is no way to determine which scrap goes to India or China, who were buying up the vast majority of all of the world’s scrap at that time. *gack* I should have followed my own advise.
Enlightement,
So powerfull, so riveting! I had to print it out, run to the bathroom, read and dispose of it properly. I hope you caught your breath in between sentences. Now run along, the men in the white coats are outside your door…..
TODD: don’t you see the delicious, almost Parisian cuisine irony of that aluminum head selecting the “Famous Myths and Folktales…” post to vomit up his retarded screed?
That, my friend, is peeing pants worthy irony.
BJ
The irony is still pounding in my head, but in reality, it is too f’ng early to wear my anti moonbat vest. I do enjoy the Parisian cuisine though….
TODD: The standard issue moonbat vest is insufficient. You will need the all purpose Lafty Pinko Loony suit of armor with the anti rust electric current and the instant 911 dialer for tinhat conspiracy theory mongers.
$199.95 at K Mart…
*Lafty* Lefty (although both work lol!)
Enlightenment, I’m afraid you missed the mark. Too few instances of extra exclaimation points!!!!, very few words IN ALL CAPS, and a dirth of “scare quotes”.
All in all a very poor performance.
Thanks Enlightenment, I’ve totally changed my mind.
I now believe that hundreds, if not thousands of people joned in a conspiracy to knock down two of the largest buildings in the world and one a couple of blocks away, not to mention one in Washington. Without using any of the planes that were hijacked that day by totally unrelated Muslim terrorists who were just mad about the whole Iraq war thing which they knew was going to happen because they were driving a truck with a gps in it and accidentally logged on to the signal.
And the Jews. Don’t forget the Jews.
It’s so clear now. Did anyone else notice that for some reason Nickelodeon pre-empted the Angry Beavers for another re-run of the Rugrats on Sept 10th? Did the Angry Beavers know too much? And why was it that I had a job interview on Sept 11th 2001? With the economy in the toilet suddenly a job interview? And then an offer that same day? Were they trying to keep me quiet?
What were they trying to keep me quiet about?
What did I see?
These are important questions! They need to be asked!
Jeff, share some of whatever you’re on with Enlightenment; he needs it more than you do.
And if you have any left over, well, I wouldn’t mind a wee dram….
TW: “high25” and no, I’m not making that up.
Here’s an entertaining take on the 9/11 conspiracy theorys, from the astute (and hilarious) David Wong.
Don’t bother talking back to the trollspammer; it’s moved-on.org
Kudos on the monolith of thoroughly-debunked nutball theories, though.
Other than that: Laosey story.
See what happens when you defy He Who Must Not Be Named?
dis sucks
yup it sucks so bad
wow soo lamee lol
likee woww totally lamee likee wahtt kindaa story ihz dahtt doesntt even makee any kewl sense likee woowwwwww wooooowwwww hhahhahahahahah lol … who ever wrote this should be firedd nddd dihz should be put in the garbage i dont think you should leave dis up iht should b postedd off . NOW!!!!!! peaceeee im outt of here likeeee never again u fagot .
yes bob you are so right about this being soo fucking sucky it fuckin sucks . TRY AGAIN NEXT TIMEE BUDDY .!