So I go away for a few days, and when I come home, I find that somebody’s urinated into the fuse box, causing all the light bulbs to pop in the sockets, their thin glass misting into heavy, glittering air before settling on the floor like a dusting of frosted and razor sharp erstwhile 40-100 watt snow.
Not only that, but I see that somebody found my hidden cache of aerosol cheese. Which, I’d be cool with that had the ersatz-cheese thief simply spread the stuff on a Townhouse cracker or, you know, used it as a kinky marital aid. But cheese outlines of what look to be dead transients, complete with hobo sticks? That’s just not funny enough to justify the expenditure of 6 cans of quality, textured Nabisco EZ Cheese.
Not to mention how much dog hair, pilling, and what I’m hoping were bacon bits I swallowed lapping the shit off the hand-knotted Nargess ivory wool rug.
Oh. Forgot to mention that I’ve been offline since Thursday, when we closed on the house and began moving into the new place. We’re mostly moved in, so I’m doing a lot of unpacking, furniture moving, ceiling fan assembly, etc.
But I believe we’ve got the site moved to a more powerful server, which should prevent any further outages while I’m off getting my house in order. Literally.
I’m still catching up on all my emails. Meantime, thanks to John Nowak for the stainless steel pasta thingie, and to Terence for the moving men sliders. And thanks for nothing to Directv, which owes me one week of football. The bitches.
YAY!
i need the addr so i can send u a housewarming giftie.
(((((((((((jeff))))))))))))
Jeff,
Welcome back; now please evict your urine-stained, Tourette’s-afflicted intruder Nishizono.
Cordially…
Nishi had a golden shower while she was here? What page?
For the love of pete, Jeff, Help us! The manse is overrun by the grammatically challenged, evolutionary freaks, pork meat testicles, godless capitalists, slave tax fulminators, and every legion of trolls, pervayers of insanity, snarkers, loopy Christian apologists and liquor spewing closet freaks.
THE SHIP IS SINKING, I TELL YOU! WHERE IS THE CAPTAIN? AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Ahem.
I resemble that remark.
Thanks, Pablo, for another good reason to cleanse my brain with Tilex.
Just casting asparagus upon you.
Isn’t that spelled “Aspergers’s
“?
k-mart, def’nately k-mart…my father said I’m a good blogger…def’nately good blogger…
Sigh…..The inmates still own the asylum…
You’re very welcome for the pasta spork. Many’s the time when I’ve been sporking pasta and feeling the cheap plastic bend and flex like the hull of a Comet airliner, and longed for a pasta spork of cold steel. And yet I never got one.
Actually, we don’t so much as own it as we are seeking asylum from, you know, those things out there.
*bump* What was that?
Ooof and/or yikes.
Damn the icebergs! FULL SPEED AHEAD!
— Captian Smith, RMS Tyrannic
I do not like coming here anymore cause I don’t think it’s interesting without Jeff. I only come by to see if Jeff is back. I am going to wait until Jeff back and starts to write more stuff. Then I will come back here more often and it will be a lot more interesting.
Don’t urinate in the fuse box. It’s not safe, and something I’ve never done.
Don’t change the fuse without turning off the power to the box. It’s not safe. Especially in a big old IBM 1403 line printer. Trust me on this one.
Jeff only let these idiots guest blog to make himself look better. Or else his screening process needs a little revamping.
Oh, now you tell me.