Ahoy, Chickenhawkiburtonfoleyapoligistmongers!
Just dropping by to remind you that while you flabby racist keyboard commandos fight the nasty brown sandaled menace (whose very robes are woven just to taunt the West!) from the hot zone of your Office Max pleather Executive’s chair, I’ll be pulling thorny weeds out of the backyard sod lines, then trying to figure out why the combo ceiling fan / overhead light I just installed in the bedroom will only spin for me when I drop Bill Clinton’s name, or hint that, should it behave itself, Ellis Henican might be invited over later for strawberries and Champagne.
Something tells me it was made in Berkeley, that fan. Or possibly China.
Developing…
Put the armadillo on the fan and then turn it on. If he stays on for eight seconds…
Try dropping Dean’s name. If it screams and spins out of control…
Ah yes, real life is so much more satisfying than that existential college kid hippy crap.
Tic.
Does it rotate left or right?
Incidentally, Jeff, those dainty fingers of your were never meant for pulling weeds. Isn’t there a cheap Mexican laborer up there looking to make a couple of easy bucks?
Sorry, a high-minded Latino looking for a challenging career in landscaping.
There should be a switch on the side of the fan. If you flip it, it will spin in the other direction and make a sound like, age of consent, blah, blah, not illegal, blather, blather, Barney Frank, etc…
You must’ve been cussing something awful.
One word: Roundup.
Just pray for snow.
Ahoy.
That’s a sailor thing, right?
No pleather for me; I work for the gummint.
Actually, it requires several words. Scott’s TurfBuilder Weed’n’feed, formulated for your climate, works beautifully. At any rate, the one formulated for my climate works wonderfully here.
Then, mow the yard in alternate directions each week—N-S one week, E-W the next. It confuses the broad-leaf weeds, somehow. Denigrates their self-esteem, donchaknow.
A perfect lawn is one species away from being a desert, I always say.
This is also why so many Jews live in New York City, because Jews are constitutionally unfitted for yard work. As David Rakoff says, the whole point of living in NYC is so you can stay indoors. You want greenery? Order the spinach.
Mow?
Surely you have me confused with one of the little children from the neighborhood who’ll work for Rice Krispy Treats and a swig of Pabst.
It’s heartbreaking how they hold those little signs out in front of them at the exits. I blame the Bush economy.
Actually, I throw heads of Boston Lettuce at them as I drive by. It’s a hoot to see them scramble on their dirty, bare feet, clutching their rags about them. I prefer to be sipping a decaf double latte as I toss the produce. Tons of fun.
Pleather?
Time to bring out the gimp!!!!!!
Dan, it took me a while, but I just *got* your UnderGawd name…sheesh, Wally.
Sorry, the Roundup was meant for Ellis Henican.
If the fan only spins left, it stands to reason that it really wants to be in a newsroom.
Actually, the blades spin in opposite directions at once, but the fixture isn’t putting off any light.
I’m going to name it “Hillary,” I think.
I second this. If you’re using anything with “Plus 2,” check the warnings on “2,4-d,” wear gloves when applying and keep the kiddo out of the yard for at least a day after you use it.
One other word of advice—if you ever install a pedestal sink, make sure you know *before you buy* how far the p-trap is from the wall. I’ve found that this varies…
2,4-d is some seriously wicked stuff. I mixed up a batch of it back in the 1990’s. The park I was working in had a big patch of poison ivy, and it had to go, so I found this can of 2,4-d from the 1960’s (no kidding – there was instructions typed up on how to use it from one guy in the Recreation dept. to another guy in the Recreation Dept. and it was dated about 1968). I used an eighth of a cup to three gallons of water, sprayed away, and that posion ivy was dead within the day.
I don’t know how (or if) today’s formula differs, but that 1960’s stuff – wickedly powerful!
Round-Up is too expensive, so I just spray the infected areas with Diesel.
*This message was approved by Green Peace*
Mikey, if you still have access to that can of 2,4-D please let me know. There are a couple of mesquites I’d like to feed…
Regards,
Ric
tw: feeling14. Don’t I wish.
Sorry, Ric. I don’t work at the park any longerr.
Real job, and all that.