9 tentative retirement plans for Pluto now that it’s been ignomoniously removed from the solar system in the same way JD Salinger’s short stories have been removed from most American Lit anthologies
Join the team of Armstrong and Kos as expert financial consultant to the stars
Wait 5 weeks, replace Tony Kornheiser on “Monday Night Football”
Six words: “So You Think You Can Dance?”
Challenge Pat Buchanan for the title, “Coldest Rock in the Universe”
Buy a mess of them Tony Robbins tapes, get rich, finally start living a little, you know?
“Well, I’ve always really wanted to learn to paint.”
Apply for first assistant director position, “Girls Gone Wild IX: Titties in Space!”
Is there such thing as a professional karaoke singer? Because Uranus always used to comment on what a lovely singing voice Pluto has…
Relocate to Hollywood, Florida; take up shuffleboard; die*
55 Replies to “9 tentative retirement plans for Pluto now that it’s been ignomoniously removed from the solar system in the same way JD Salinger’s short stories have been removed from most American Lit anthologies”
Personally, we’ve seen Pluto come a long way; and I think it’s time we kicked it from the nest. It’s never going to become it’s own disstinctive celestial body if we don’t allow it to experiment. Thus:
10. Go off to UCB, take a few intro classes in sociology, dabble in the consciouness expanding effects of high-grade hydroponic marijuana, LSD, and eventually mescaline. By March, the FAFSA refunds will have been run out, and our beloved ninth planet will be eating stray cats and sucking dong for crystal meth.
Does it work both ways? Can we send Kornheiser out to occupy the former planet’s orbit? Heck, I’ll toss in that idiot Theismann too, if it’ll help seal the deal.
I always figured Pluto to buy a broken down vineyard in Napa. You know, spend a few years painting, patching, and bringing back the soil to a usable state. Kind of a hobby farm that could one day pay the bills with a little cash left over. Possibly find a romantic tyrst with the local veterinarian who has been jaded and lonely since the brush-hogging accident that killed her husband a few years earlier.
The absurd and arbitrary nature of the whole debate is best summarized this way: ceci n’est pas une planete.
Of course, with Ceres becoming a planet, the solar system will take on a character that some scientists will no doubt find to be disturbingly classical. With Ceres and without Pluto, the planets of the solar system are all coplanar, cocentric, and each successive planet is twice as far from the Sun as it’s predecessor. Pluto and the asteroid belt always mucked up this harmonious arrangement, but no more.
Nah, Ceres doesn’t qualify as a planet, since it shares its orbit.
I wonder about the deep-seated psychology at work. Are astronomers so lonely and bitter that they deny planetary status to anything that has a social life? And don’t bring up Jupiter, because that just proves my point—a huge mass surrounded by fawning synchophants is a planet, but Ceres isn’t because it’s nice enough to share its orbit.
Of course, with Ceres becoming a planet, the solar system will take on a character that some scientists will no doubt find to be disturbingly classical.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this causes the diversity gong-bangers to demand a name change.
May I suggest “Planet Oprah,” which makes sense on several levels?
Removing Pluto from the solar system was a bunch of nativist crap. It’s not like Pluto tested positive for banned substances, or something. No, it was just a bunch of self-anointing astronomers who are too lazy to learn any new planet names, so, just to keep their little club exclusive, decided that rather than expand the solar system club to include a few other illegal immigrants who have wandered into our solar system,chose to trim it down to “classical” size (which is also a lie, because neither Neptune or Uranus are “old” planets.)
I’m really pissed about this and I would like to tell the Astronomy community to fuck off. They have no business telling me what is, or is not, a planet. Just do your jobs and shut up. Instead, these egghead elitists are are attempting to marginalize Pluto and basically re-write the map of the universe because “THEY SAY SO.” Bunch of elitists is what they are, and if they get away with this, next thing you know, they will be renaming Uranus after Maureen Dowd.
(Charon: “Oh, god, he’ll be Gerry Ford, working on the “golf game”, and I’ll be Betty, minding my own business pulling weeds in the garden, when all of a sudden a ball sails over the garage . . . dammit, don’t you know why she got started on that stuff in the first place? Here, gimme some of that tequila, hurts even thinking about it.”)
tw: All the galaxy’s a stage, and we are merely planetoids . . .
10 Three words: see more glass.
I’d take a break from orbiting. Man, that’s gotta get old after a while.
10. Grow a tail and try my hand at being a comet.
I’ve never heard Pluto sing, and I’ve been watching “House of Mouse” quite carefully.
UN Secretary General.
Personally, we’ve seen Pluto come a long way; and I think it’s time we kicked it from the nest. It’s never going to become it’s own disstinctive celestial body if we don’t allow it to experiment. Thus:
10. Go off to UCB, take a few intro classes in sociology, dabble in the consciouness expanding effects of high-grade hydroponic marijuana, LSD, and eventually mescaline. By March, the FAFSA refunds will have been run out, and our beloved ninth planet will be eating stray cats and sucking dong for crystal meth.
Hey, it’s a hard out there for a dwarf planet.
10. Finally have the time to go after Disney for all those royalty checks.
*ahem* ladies and gentlmen, i give you, Christy Lane.
Does it work both ways? Can we send Kornheiser out to occupy the former planet’s orbit? Heck, I’ll toss in that idiot Theismann too, if it’ll help seal the deal.
RIP, MNF.
I’m just relieved that we’ve finally got somewhere to send all those creepy dwarves.
10. Rollerdisco!
I thought dwarf tossing was banned. Evidently I’m wrong, again.
We must come up with a scenario, cause Pluto can’t plan-it anymore.
I always figured Pluto to buy a broken down vineyard in Napa. You know, spend a few years painting, patching, and bringing back the soil to a usable state. Kind of a hobby farm that could one day pay the bills with a little cash left over. Possibly find a romantic tyrst with the local veterinarian who has been jaded and lonely since the brush-hogging accident that killed her husband a few years earlier.
Pluto: “…Huh? Whazzat?…”
Charon: “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
Pluto: “Stupid moon.”
Charon: “Look who’s talking…”
Pluto: “What?”
Charon: “Nothing. Some astronomer with an eviction notice. Seems you’re a sub-planetary body now.”
Pluto: “What’s that?”
Charon: “Now that is a good question.”
My childhood feels a little violated.
TW: I’m gonna write a letter!
[Homer Simpson]
Mmnmmm…..
zero-g titties…….
[/Homer Simpson]
A thread winner, so soon.
The absurd and arbitrary nature of the whole debate is best summarized this way: ceci n’est pas une planete.
Of course, with Ceres becoming a planet, the solar system will take on a character that some scientists will no doubt find to be disturbingly classical. With Ceres and without Pluto, the planets of the solar system are all coplanar, cocentric, and each successive planet is twice as far from the Sun as it’s predecessor. Pluto and the asteroid belt always mucked up this harmonious arrangement, but no more.
Take that, chaos!
Hey Pluto – maybe if your climate wasn’t as frigid as Hillary Clinton’s cryogenic death stare, then maybe you would get a little more love.
Convincing the Corona people to shoot a commerical there would go a long way to improving your image.
Nah, Ceres doesn’t qualify as a planet, since it shares its orbit.
I wonder about the deep-seated psychology at work. Are astronomers so lonely and bitter that they deny planetary status to anything that has a social life? And don’t bring up Jupiter, because that just proves my point—a huge mass surrounded by fawning synchophants is a planet, but Ceres isn’t because it’s nice enough to share its orbit.
Jupiter. Fucking prima donna.
My Very Envious Mother Just Ate Nine … what? What? What did she fuckin’eat? Damnit all to hell.
tw: It was over for Pluto before it even started.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this causes the diversity gong-bangers to demand a name change.
May I suggest “Planet Oprah,” which makes sense on several levels?
TW: “Big.” No shit.
should be Served, not ate. I’m so distraught by the news of Pluto’s demise that I can’t even keep my nmonics straight.
They will have to take my Pluto from my cold, dead orbit.
mother very easily made jelly sandwiches using no peanuts
SB: students
there goes the mnemonic
Removing Pluto from the solar system was a bunch of nativist crap. It’s not like Pluto tested positive for banned substances, or something. No, it was just a bunch of self-anointing astronomers who are too lazy to learn any new planet names, so, just to keep their little club exclusive, decided that rather than expand the solar system club to include a few other illegal immigrants who have wandered into our solar system,chose to trim it down to “classical” size (which is also a lie, because neither Neptune or Uranus are “old” planets.)
I’m really pissed about this and I would like to tell the Astronomy community to fuck off. They have no business telling me what is, or is not, a planet. Just do your jobs and shut up. Instead, these egghead elitists are are attempting to marginalize Pluto and basically re-write the map of the universe because “THEY SAY SO.” Bunch of elitists is what they are, and if they get away with this, next thing you know, they will be renaming Uranus after Maureen Dowd.
10. Start a street gang with Goofy, Astro and Scooby.
10: Move in between Mercury and the Sun, change name to “Vulcan”, work on tan.
10. Join actus as costar of the Middle East tour of “The Vagina Monologues”
10: “Finally finish that novel I’ve been working on.”
”…’cause, you know, I just haven’t had the time to read ‘til now.”
”…or enough light, really.”
Joins troupe of riverdancing midget hookers as an affirmative action hire.
10 Finally as why interplanet Janet didn’t frigging stop by with the rocket team, little bitch went everywhere else…
10. Call his comet buddy, Cue Stick, and together start whacking the other planets into the sun.
Really, Jeff: using “9” as the base number of your list seems to be a bit taunting of poor Pluto’s plight, dontcha think?
9 used to mean something–but not anymore.
10. Just end it all now by taking a suicidal plunge into Uranus.
10. Start a blog.
Two Words: Center Square
10. Improve the ol’ golf game.
(Charon: “Oh, god, he’ll be Gerry Ford, working on the “golf game”, and I’ll be Betty, minding my own business pulling weeds in the garden, when all of a sudden a ball sails over the garage . . . dammit, don’t you know why she got started on that stuff in the first place? Here, gimme some of that tequila, hurts even thinking about it.”)
tw: All the galaxy’s a stage, and we are merely planetoids . . .
phhhht…as if Kornheiser will last 5 weeks.
Pluto better pack its bags ‘cause it wouldn’t surprise me if ‘Special’ K isn’t around next week and Pluto gets an emergency phone call to fill in.
Everything I knew about Pluto I learned from “The Forever War”
BUSH LOST PLUTO!!!
Perhaps if Pluto ever bothered to learn to talk and become bipedal like Goofy, this never would have happened.
tw: might
Going from 9 planets in the solar system to 8 just might be a sign of the apocalypse.
Wait…when did they start taking out Salinger? Are there right now undergraduate English majors who haven’t read “A Perfect Day for Bananafish?”
For me it was a Larry Niven short story about a guy who got marooned on Pluto. Freaky tale.
Oo—where they used it for training to fight on planets orbiting black holes?
Oo—the one about the stranded astronaut who froze himself and didn’t quite die?
10. Finally confess for what it did to JonBenet and Nicole Brown…
Oo—that’s the one.
Ah, good.
I never read it.
Holy shoot! You’re right: if a high school teacher hadn’t assigned Nine Stories I’d probably never have heard of it.
For the English language, with love and squalor.
-JMK