(for the peyote buttons that kept me company last evening)
The crocodile pimp sleeps
beneath my bed, his heavy
meated tail the weapon of
choice for correcting ho’s
who don’t bring him his damn
money.
Some nights, if my swollen
prostate wakes me, I can hear
the sounds of moaning johns,
and the cackle of the crocodile
pimp, living large beneath my
bed.
****
Note: I’m off to court. So consider this an open thread.
Be the croc, Jeff. Beeee the croc.
I remember when rock was young.
I’m hoping the ho gets tenure. You know, like a permenant position.
TW:life
no,kidding
Court? Blogospheric battle? Or did someone’s armadillo park in a red zone again?
So, uh, is this where we vote for the “Wanker of the Day”?
“for the peyote buttons that kept me company last evening “
Brings back memories of Don Juan running down a street buck naked with a pack of wild dogs howling at the moon in some southwest indian town.
Ahhhh, peyote…..
wanker of the day: Mike Wallace
no doubt
Of the day?!?!?
I guess that better than having Cthulhu under your bed. Kinda puts a crip of love life. Just try to explain why one the Great old ones is hiding under your bed.
Alright, that tears it. No way am I ever house-sitting for you.
“Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch?”
So far, McGehee has comment of the thread honors.
It has to be ‘Of The Day’ so everybody gets a turn. There are just too may of them. I was going to agree with you, Jane, but Carter is flapping his cheeks again for Der Spiegel.
Carter is no longer eligible. He’s been promoted to the “Wanker Of The Day Hall Of Fame”.
Smite that surly stalker.
If the Israelis would just cook up a peace prize for him with a large cash award, he might cool down a bit. But they’re just so ungrateful for his inspired leadership.
From Wiki, on Jimmy, a partial list of prizes (not sure which came with cash):
President Carter has been fortunate to receive many honors throughout his life. Among the most significant honors were the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1999 and the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002. Others include:
LL.D. (Honorary) Morehouse College, 1972; Morris Brown College, 1972; University of Notre Dame, 1977; Emory University, 1979; Kwansei Gakuin University, 1981; Georgia Southwestern College, 1981; New York Law School, 1985; Bates College, 1985; Centre College, 1987; Creighton University, 1987; University of Pennsylvania, 1998
D.E. (Honorary) Georgia Institute of Technology, 1979
Ph.D. (Honorary) Weizmann Institute of Science, 1980; Tel Aviv University, 1983; Haifa University, 1987
D.H.L. (Honorary) Central Connecticut State University, 1985; Trinity College, 1998
Doctor (Honorary) G.O.C. Universite, 1995
Silver Buffalo Award, Boy Scouts of America, 1978
Gold medal, International Institute for Human Rights, 1979
International Mediation medal, American Arbitration Association, 1979
Martin Luther King, Jr. Nonviolent Peace Prize, 1979
International Human Rights Award, Synagogue Council of America, 1979
Conservationist of the Year Award, 1979
Harry S. Truman Public Service Award, 1981
Ansel Adams Conservation Award, Wilderness Society, 1982
Human Rights Award, International League for Human Rights, 1983
World Methodist Peace Award, 1985
Albert Schweitzer Prize for Humanitarianism, 1987
Edwin C. Whitehead Award, National Center for Health Education, 1989
Jefferson Award, American Institute of Public Service, 1990
Philadelphia Liberty Medal, 1990
Spirit of America Award, National Council for the Social Studies, 1990
Physicians for Social Responsibility Award, 1991 Aristotle Prize, Alexander S. Onassis Foundation, 1991
W. Averell Harriman Democracy Award, National Democratic Institute for International Affairs, 1992
Spark M. Matsunaga Medal of Peace, US Institute of Peace, 1993
Humanitarian Award, CARE International, 1993
Conservationist of the Year Medal, National Wildlife Federation, 1993
Rotary Award for World Understanding, 1994
J. William Fulbright Prize for International Understanding, 1994
National Civil Rights Museum Freedom Award, 1994
UNESCO Félix Houphouët-Boigny Peace Prize, 1994
Great Cross of the Order of Vasco Nunéz de Balboa, 1995
Bishop John T. Walker Distinguished Humanitarian Award, Africare, 1996
Humanitarian of the Year, GQ Awards, 1996
Kiwanis International Humanitarian Award, 1996
Indira Gandhi Prize for Peace, Disarmament and Development, 1997
Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter Awards for Humanitarian Contributions to the Health of Humankind, National Foundation for Infectious Diseases, 1997
United Nations Human Rights Award, 1998
The Hoover Medal, 1998
International Child Survival Award, UNICEF Atlanta, 1999
William Penn Mott, Jr., Park Leadership Award, National parks Conservation Association, 2000
Here’s a Wiki redaction of some of his stellar diplomatic efforts:
“In 1994, Carter went to North Korea at the behest of President Clinton. North Korea had expelled investigators from the International Atomic Energy Agency and was threatening to begin processing spent nuclear fuel. Carter met with North Korean President Kim Il Sung resulting in the signing of the Agreed Framework, under which North Korea agreed to stop processing nuclear fuel, in exchange for a return to normalized relations, oil deliveries and two light water reactors to replace its graphite reactors. North Korea did not abide by this agreement and concealed its violation.
Though the Agreed Framework negotiated by Jimmy Carter was widely hailed at the time as a diplomatic achievement, it soon became apparent that despite their promises to Carter, North Korea had no intention of stopping its nuclear weapons program. In 2005, North Korea announced that it had nuclear weapons.
Carter visited Cuba in May 2002 and met with Fidel Castro. He was allowed to address the Cuban public on national television with a speech that he wrote and presented in Spanish. This made Carter the first President of the United States, in or out of office, to visit the island since Castro’s 1959 revolution. Carter did not lift the trade embargo against Cuba, which he had the power to do while he was President.
In June 2005, Carter urged the closing of the Guantanamo Bay Prison in Cuba, which has been the center point for recent claims of prisoner and Muslim holy book Quran abuse.
Not all Carter’s efforts have gained him favor in Washington; President Clinton and both Presidents George H.W. and George W. Bush were said to have been less than pleased with Carter’s “freelance” diplomacy in Iraq and elsewhere. Critics of Carter’s diplomatic efforts (during and after his presidency) generally concede that Carter is honest and well intentioned, but consider him to be naïve about less-scrupulous foreign leaders.”
Here are a couple of other nice tidbits:
“In Leary, Georgia, in October, 1969, Carter claimed to see an unidentified flying object (UFO). Robert Sheaffer concluded that Carter had seen the planet Venus. Later, during his presidential campaign, Carter promised to release the truth about any alleged UFO cover-up.”
(So, see–this isn’t off topic, even for an open thread).
I’m worried about this, given his proven record at making peace:
“A message from President Carter appeared on the Voyager Golden Records, now in deep space.”
But lest I seem too judgmental, I really do believe that this is not a bad presidential legacy:
“On October 14, 1978, President Carter signed into law a bill that legalized the homebrewing of beer and wine.”
And now, when Jeff gets back, he can be appalled at how a perfectly good thread about an hallucinatory underbed reptile got turned into a pile of Carteresque crap. I condemn it, of course.
Carter doesn’t think that taking a country’s citizens hostage is a justification for offensive measures?
Wow! That’s out of the blue.
Coming soon to pay-per-view:
Paul Hogan vs. Steve Irwin in a no-rules, no-limit cage match—who will assume the title of croc pimp and gain exclusive distribution rights to all cute and schmaltzy Australian lingo, such as “shrimp on the barbie” and “g-day, mate”????
Crikey!
Incidentally, I wonder if the crocidile pimp wears crocodile boots–or do they clash? I always thought crocodile boots were pimp. Snakeskin, too.
Too bad he’s not there to deliver it in person.
Dan,
You must be exhausted after immersing yourself so diligently in Carter lore. Have a beer my friend and relax….
Better than a Blood, I guess.
LAst night I had a nightmare about a crocodile in a cardigan sweater.
Anyone know what it means?
Did the sweater have a little human being for a logo?
Full of peanut-ty goodness, no doubt.
(Sorry, I really tried not to, but I just couldn’t help myself.)
Uggs. Probably Uggs.
All I know is I don’t want to see his grill.
You forgot the “Killer Rabbit”
And I think he won a Blue Ribbon at the Plains, GA community fair for Miss Lillian’s Peanut Patties.
I have no idea. But maybe I could get some help with this one … speaking of Carter I once had a dream that gave him and Gerald Ford paddling lessons (not what you are thinking … the canoe type) in one of the rivers in the New Jersey Pine Barrens.
McGehee, I bow to your apt commenting mojo.
Yeah, rub it in Beck. Mcgehee wins. He always wins.
It means your mother didn’t love you enough. All dreams mean that!
Where normally he’d see a bag
Midst woolyboogers on the shag;
From greasy fries or too much mutton,
Or pressing Castaneda’s button
Now bumpy jagged leather luggage
Extends to perilous pimpy suckage.
Professor Twist would no doubt smile
To see this poesy crocodile
Belabor john and ho with flail
But that’s another meated tale.
Speak my name and I appear.
SB: blue
bayou
I saw a couple of pimpin’ crocs in New Orleans when I was down there after Katrina.
And you say he’s a liberal Democrat?
schoolmarm –
Was there a killer rabbit in your dream, too?
Not Croc shoes… Alligator. And a hat made from a Caiman.
Bitch.
TW What part don’t you understand?
Remember that ‘toture doesn’t work’ talk?
Off to court to get a restraining order against someone who said something mean on the internet? What a sissy.
I think that of all the patently inane comments in the world, the patently inane-est is, “I think we should take Jimmy ‘America Held Hostage’ Carter’s advice on how to deal with Islamic extremists.”
That’s really pretty much all I think needs to be said.
SkipSmith,
Close your eyes and open your mouth. I have something you can keep warm for me.
Nail the bitch.
Off to make government yo nanny? Off to ignore inconvenient brown people so they all die?
What a sissy.
So who gets the first TV interview after your case is finished? Nancy “Bondage” Grace or Greta Van Sidetalker?
That judge will revoke your poetic license, sure as God made little green footballs.
Hi. What’s the argument about ?
Off to make government yo nanny? Off to ignore inconvenient brown people so they all die?
What a sissy.
You little sissy boys are so funny.
So, it’s about who’s a sissy ?
Nothing, really. Hey, nate, how big is his mouth?
Take off your cardigan sweater before you go to bed.
There’s no sissies in the NOW, pal.
tw: And they’re involved in life.
I take it you don’t have any kids.
“… no sissies in the NOW”
What does that mean?
“Off to court to get a restraining order against someone who said something mean on the internet? What a sissy.”
“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I have something you can keep warm for me.”
Better yet nate, I need somewhere to put my size 13 boots…..What do ya think skip?
Well, you’re all mad at someone, I guess,
about something. I hope you get it settled.
Why do libs ALWAYS have an oral fixation on REAL AMERICANS dicks?
Sounds like the metrosexual is coming through.
Ya know, I once shot an elephant in my pajamas…..
[/Groucho]
Hint for the idiots: wash the socks before using them as sock puppets. Because I smell a hell of a lot of sock puppets in this thread.
Sock Puppets ?
Where?
It means real men run the society-shaping, gender-bent NOW, YHVH. While sissy chickenhawks run BushMcChimpyHaliburtonCo.
And go to court.
“I’ve seen problems, Osama, and compared to hetereosexual patriarchal capitalism (and Karl Rove) you’re no problem.”
-Progressive, circa 2006
As a world renowned, New York Times best-selling author and much quoted blogger, I must denounce all forms of sock puppetry that do not mention that I am a New York Time best selling author and much quoted blogger first and foremost. Did I also mention I was civil rights attorney as well? Truth be told, I interned at a firm that was close to a civil rights attorney’s office for 10 years and can assure you that only a sissy wouldn’t mention that I was a New York Times best selling author while sock puppeting. Just ask my room mates.
The alligator is straight.
No way. He was setting off my alligaydar BIG TIME.
It’s FLAT FATIMA!!!!
Go.
Laugh.
http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=798
…his heavy
meated tale the weapon
of choice for correcting ho’s…
He tells a story to straighten them out?
Is he still gone? `Cause, if he is ,does any one know where he hides that glue huffin` non-dancin` little bastard?
Jeff went a courting,
He did ride,
Mmmm hmmm.
Fuck! I just spent $9.95, on this cool Acme “Armadillo Dancing Kit”…..
Contents: 2 roach clips
3 feet of cheap wire
1 6 volt battery
2 pages of very vague instructions
I`m not convinced this won`t work. He`s home though, so I guess we wait `till Friday then.The little crud better go Friday tho,or I`ll be some pissed.
Fatwa Arbuckle,
No rabbit just the NJ Devil. Actually not a sighting I just told the former “not dead yet” presidents about the myth of the NJ Devil.
Damn you, Robert Crawford! I was so close to winning Best in Thread!
He was not the sock tucker, or the sock tucker’s son, but he could tuck a sock as well as anyone.
He was not the sock tucker, or the sock tucker’s son, but he could tuck a sock as well as anyone.
He was not the sock tucker, or the sock tucker’s son, but he could tuck a sock as well as anyone.
Now you say it out loud.
It begs the question – is it a purple croc?
tw: court (no shit)
I’m not a fig plucker, I’m a fig plucker’s son.
But I’ll pluck figs til a fig plucker comes.
Say that one even once real fast.
I once used that to win some albums on a radio tongue twister contest. Rotten bastards promised to say any town twister you sent in 5 times. They wouldn’t even try this one once. Got five vinyl albums. They mostly sucked.
Hmmm. Maybe we could use that tongue twister to test for jihadis on airplanes. Make suspects say that five times real fast.
TW: fear. The jihadis would fear to say that.
…….How did the elephant get in your pajamas?
i’m guessing right foot first.
I am a pleasant mother pheasant plucker.
As a matter of fact, I am the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant.
SO WTF HAPPENED IN COURT ????
..enquiring minds want to know
Let’s review:
(1) I say that Jeff is a sissy for going to court over an internet insult.
(2) The regulars here jump in to tell me that I’m wrong … and then offer me gay sex. Example:
>>Close your eyes and open your mouth. I have something you can keep warm for me.<<
No thanks, sissy.
I say SkipSmith is a moron.
You know, if skip is a toddler you guys are being hypocrites making sexual remarks like that. Judging by his attempts at logic I don’t think we can rule that out.
Skip, I was offering you a Sour Apple Jolly Rancher.
Are you coming on to me?
Fag.
Kinda sensitive aren’t we, Skippy?
I thought I was offering you your own hypocrisy.
Oh thop you little bith.
I could have sworn that was cherry Pez. Better get the old sinuses checked –
TW: Trouble. Right here in River City.
Enq – you’ll have to ask more metaphorically than that.
Hey Jeff, can I have permission to use those rhymes in a song?
Odd as well, the security word is, “ask”.
The Rovian signs are in my chakra.
Reminds me of some anti-foreigner riots in London back in the 15th Century – the crowd would grab people and make them say “bread and cheese”. Needless to say, a lot of merchants from Lombardy and Brugges got roughed up reeeeal good.
The truth is, Groucho was just easy.
That’s the second best pimp poem I’ve heard. I still prefer, My Bitch Better Have My Money.
My bitch better have my money/Through rain, sleet, or snow/My whore better have my money/Not half, not some, but all my cash/’Cause if she don’t,/I’m gonna put my foot in her ass.
LOL at everyone backpedalling from the gay sex offers. No thanks, I don’t want you to put “hypocrisy” or your “Jolly Rancher” in my mouth either. And be sure to write in fake lisps and use the word “fag” a lot to cover up your latent homosexual tendencies.
Interesting that your first instinct when confronted by someone you disagree with is to offer to put your penis in their mouth. Were you sexually abused by your father? Does that question make you want to go to court and get a restraining order against me?
Sissy.
Good Lord, what is that putrid smell? Did someone shit their pants? It smells like rotting produce and rancid tuna…..
Oh.
Hey Skip.
Dude, all I offered was a Sour Apple Jolly Rancher. Do you know Andrew Sullivan?
Why? Were you?
Ohhhhh. Sorry.
I’m starting to see where this penis in the mouth disposition is coming from.
Now we’re getting into scat play. Great.
Sissy.
Nate has no game. He even tried the “I know you are but what am I” defense when I asked him about sexual abuse — lame.
Does anyone more interesting want to discuss what an enormous sissy someone has to be to go to court over an internet insult?
Going to court over an internet insult. I think you Republicans should change your nickname from the “Daddy” party to the “Bitch” party.
Ohhh please Jeff? Can we keep this one? I promise that I’ll take good care of it. I’ll feed it, and change the cedar shavings in it’s cage, make sure that it’s water is always fresh, and read it stories, and make clothes for it, and tuck it in at night, and hose it off in driveway when it wipes feces all over itself, and I’ll never, never, never…never ever let it be lonely.
Pleassssssse Jeff?
>>”I’ll never, never, never…never ever let it be lonely.”
Stalker. I’ve contacted my lawyer.
See. Now if there was a tick-tock thing I’d get it ‘cause of the whole capt. hook/peter pan/crocodile dynamic.
TWsockpuppet Watch it pal or I’ll sock you in the puppet, if you catch my drift.
Oh, Skip. For gosh sakes, don’t be a sissy. That’s just a silly little internet insult!