Shortcomings in physical construction prevent most hoodies from driving manual automobiles. But my hoodie—never one to shy away from a challenge (just ask the bouncer at Pub on Pearl, whose testicles are likely still lodged in his abdomen)—figured out a way to use its drawstrings to work an elaborate pully system crafted from monofilament fishing line and a pair of unwound wire coat hangers that hooks readily to my Jeep’s pedal array.
—Which, it turns out, works out exceedingly well for both of us, because the double-cheese and sausage pizza we just ordered from Pasquini’s ain’t gonna deliver itself—and, having washed down a handful of greenies (methylenedioxymethamphetamine) with a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I’m in no condition to operate a flush toilet, much less something so complicated as a clutch. Whereas the last cop who pulled over my hoodie for driving erratically? He was so freaked out when he found a disembodied cotton garment alone in the driver’s seat with a bucket of hot wings that he simply let the hoodie go with a warning.
And who can blame him? Because how in the world do you handcuff a fucking hoodie, even if you wanted to?
And therein, friends, lies the genius…
Being RBG-color blind, I often mix the uppers and downers, ending up nowhere, with the sandwiches from “The Odd Couple” arguing over who is is very old meat and who is very new cheese. But then, how the hell would I know the difference.
– Just don’t wander too far from the cushions, or your meds. I think senior Kevlar rat is pulling a fast one on you, wearing the hoodie as a cloaking device. Chalk it up to too many hours watching Star Trek DVD’s, drinking hard knock Mescaline, while poping M&M’s.
Dude. Square knot in the sleeves. No biggie.
Civil rights violation, man. Not to mention torture.
No. Such barbarism cannot stand.
Or Fuzzy McDunkins could just put the Texas Tech Sweatshirt on himself and handcuff his left arm onto the right arm of the guy who wanted to make a comic book out of Stephen King’s Dark Tower trilogy
-cause naturaly, that guy’s going nowhere.
I need to ask, since my turing word is nature, does naturaly work?
Try some fabric softener. It’s like rehab for renegade garments.
Wow you really are up on your fashion trends.
Disembodied jackets are all the rage for [TW]fall 2006
Welcome to the Red States, bo. Whut we hev heah is a failyuh t’communicate… y’joosh?
Because how in the world do you handcuff a fucking hoodie, even if you wanted to?
I dunno, make the cuffs really, really tight?
Eat some more pills, pillhead.
Add in a half dozen footnotes and I’d start to think you were doing a David Foster Wallace parody.
Hmmm. My hoodie, which has never been the innovative sort, solved that problem by working for months to develop such a close rapport with my hip waders that they were finishing each other’s sentences and telling each other jokes without saying a word. And so then they cooperated in stealing my ‘93 Ford Escort (this was back before I sold it) and disappeared for five weeks.
They were rescued from a grove of spruce trees not 400 yards from home. Returned weakened and traumatized, they’ve stayed close to home ever since. And avoiding one another religiously. Neither one will tell what went on during those five weeks, but I suspect their mutual mind-reading shtick didn’t work so well once they got out of the driveway.
The car was a little scratched up but seemed okay. We got $2500 for it.
Whoa… that’s even more intense than the Hopper crackup scene in Hoosiers!
oh give me a home
where the buffalo roam
Lazlo is that you lazlo?
(3,4-)Methylenedioxymethamphetamine is Ecstacy. “Greenies” usually refers to simple Amphetamine.
Either way you’re not going to be very interested in that pizza or those wings for a few hours.
T.W. give As in give me any extras laying around.
…and I’ll give an extremely generous carpet allowance when I sell it.
Dustin, quick question:
Since when are seven books a trilogy?
Hunter Thompson is dead.
The HELL you say!
HA! No ether binge, no Samoan bodyguards, I say he’s deader than John Kerry’s erectile function.
You might want to leave well enough alone. Peta is sending a nude-squad to DENOUNCE you for armadillo cruelty, and the Colorado Division of Wildlife is seeking an indictment against you for thought crimes against armadillos.
And just for the record, was the hoodie female, 18 or jail bait? If this is a problem, just have Ted Kennedy drive her home.
The FBI is looking for the “Count” and all the NOW gals have armed themselves with pinking shears, contemplating great physical harm to the Counts assets.
Lysissisistratatata,
I was flaming Dark Tower fans with the trilogy comment.
Dustin – And I see you succeeded quite nicely. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take the hook out of my mouth and reapply my lipstick.
VERY SORRY
Kimberly Young
David Adams
Jeff Turner
Sandra Allen
Kenneth Edwards
Margaret Thomas
Margaret Jones
Barbara Thomas
Lisa Nelson
Jeff Wilson
Sarah King
VERY SORRY