I don’t know what to make of this, but I was out picking up lunch from a small middle eastern restaurant near the university when three men, their faces partially obscured by green and yellow bandanas, launched an orchestrated strike on me using heavy falafel balls and what I think must have been shanklish.
I wasn’t seriously injured—one of the falafel balls grazed my shoulder, while the shanklish overshot me and landed on a table to my flank, causing a bit of shawarma to lodge in a toddler’s ear and some tabbouleh juice to blind his mother momentarily—but unfortunately, in the ensuing chaos the three attackers were able to flee the scene on a pair of old, dirt-crusted Vespas.
But the really strange part of all this was that I hadn’t even begun to wipe the fried chick pea detritus off my Fubu madras before a nattily dressed gentleman claiming to be from the State Department slipped me his card and told me that, should I wish to respond to the attack, I’d have roughly ten days to do so.
After that, he said, I would either have to go back to being a Zionist oppressor hated by the vast majority of the world, or else “come up with some of that really funny Jew stuff like Larry David does.”
Developing…
from the article:
CHICKENTERRORISTS!!!
TINO’s.
See? They are running out of those Russian-made seltzer bottles already.
Did one of them have multicolored streamers hanging out of the left handlegrip? ‘Cause some Trotskyite neocon seems to have stolen mine, and it may have fallen into the hands of those freedom fighters you so wrongheadedly condemn for their act of progressive resistance.
Your story about these men who were hitting you in the face with their shanklish and heavy…balls just before they shot their shawarma and tabbouleh juice all over a nearby woman and child is very disturbing.
What is it with that town you live in?
You need to stop going out and provoking those oppressed people.
Get to your safe room and notify the authorities!
THE VESPA CELL HAS BEEN ACTIVATED!
TW: toward
churchill
Larry David is funny?
I had a girlfriend who was skanklishous.
So they attacked you with weapons of mass falafel?
I hope this doesn’t mean you will be providing the Department of State with any “really funny Jew Stuff” that won’t also be posted here. because that would, like, make me unhappy. Very much so.
Yeah, I saw that and laughed. Ten days, huh? And after that, what, precisely, happens? The EU denounces Israel? The French Army invades Haifa? Ooh, that’s gonna smart.
Diplomatic pressure my Aunt Fanny’s Fruit Cake. How you gonna threaten them, if the US don’t play along, boys?
Talk is cheap, and so are diplomats.
Just be sure your response is proportionate.
I was thinking the same thing, mishu. But the question is, how many gefilte fish balls make up a falafel patty?
Gefilte fish balls my arse!
Use lutefisk in your response. Not only is is hugely disproportionate, it’s European (sort of)….maybe the scoundrels will attack the next Scandavian they see!
Ten days is a lot of time. 1) Israel will reserve the right to defend itself against all public opinion. 2) Supposedly, the Iranians have been discovered fighting side by side with Hez. 3) The Indonesian Islamists are rumored to be sending terrorists to Gaza.
Whatever happens, I feel certain we’re by no means close to being out of the shit.
All things considered, 10 days is pretty fair.
I mean, it only takes Jack Bauer 24 hours. Heck, 10 days gives you time for like commercials and stuff.
“We don’t have time for this”!!!
I had a great comment but it went on for so long that I had to hop on home and make a post out of it. No use taking up your bandwidth…
When I get it up and running, I’ll come back with the link…
…I just love revenge scenarios so I kind of got carried away.
Brilliant piece, of course. “B.P” may go without saying, but one should never go without saying it to the author. Well done, sir.
~!D
PS Are there any funny—funny as in wittily amusing, not as in strange—leftists? If there are would you be willing to point them out? Admittedly, I lead a sheltered life, but the only ones I ever meet are angry and their jokes are so mean.
Anybody know?
And now matter what size freedom fries you strike back with – small, med, large, or super size – you’ll be accused of using disproportionate force.
Okay, I posted my disproportionate response to your adventurous lunch:
http://gatesofvienna.blogspot.com/2006/07/maybe-more-protein-than-wisdom-but.html
i also invited our readers to submit their own scenarios of revenge…
Two words:
Heinz Ketchup.
Now THAT’S some retaliation they will fear and respect!
(Nothing stains a burkha worse!)
That’s Kerry for ya: he’s always playing ketchup.
The_Real_JeffS said
Lutefisk!?!?! Isn’t that what they use when VX gas isn’t toxic enough?
Great, now I’m going to be fighting down my gag reflex the rest of the night… I hope you’re happy.