Standing in front of the bread kiosk at the grocery store moments ago—and well aware that the personal is the political—I found myself torn between selecting a delicious, hard-crusted Viennese artisan loaf (a product of Old Europe, whose appeasement culture is threatening to weaken the west), and a loaf of pre-cut Wonder Bread, with it’s red white and blue packaging and a titular optimism so quintessentially American.
In the end, I went with the Viennese artisan loaf. But only because I think I might be able to talk some sense into the thing—to bring it back into the fold before it finds itself forced to purchase a prayer rug or else risk being hacked apart unceremoniously with a scimitar.
Whereas Wonder Bread? That stuff could take a hit from a Katyusha rocket, dust itself off, and go play a beer league double header without so much as a changing its shorts.
Developing…
The official bread, no doubt of the Regis for President campaign.
Ah, Wonder Bread. Tasteless and indestructible. Truly, it is the symbol of my homeland.
We need to find a way to work it into one of our patriotic hymns:
“My country, blue and red,
Lattes and Wonder Bread,
Of thee I sing!”
Kind of like calimari, eh, Squid?
I think the reason the Army has been in Germany for 60 years is the bread. Bakeries everywhere, and not a bad one to be found.
Oh, and beer. Breweries everywhere, and not a bad one to be found. These people don’t drink Genesee, or Busch, or Old Milwaukee…
Wonder Bread should be a war crime.
Hint: here’s where you’re supposed to say, “Eat me.”
TW: section–tubes only, please. No tentacles.
Land where my fathers brewed
And we can all get screwed
And have an attitude
Let freedom ring!
Whoops! That last one doesn’t exactly belong in this song.
tw: But I put it in there anyway.
Not by itself.
But slather a coating of mayonnaise on it, and its use in war would definitely be a crime against humanity.
Gaaah! That last image changes. Should be this.
While choosing to rehabilitate the old European loaf seems altruistic of you, I suggest you are cynically using it to justify not having the Wonder Bread.
Say what you will, there is a generation of post war kiddies who grew up building strong bones 8 (later 12) ways, in blissful ignorance that there were such possibilities as a Viennese artisan loaf. Perhaps the bitter resentment of so many boomers stems from this fact.
Nah.
My college roommate once bet me $20 that he could squeeze an entire loaf of Wonder bread down to the size of a hacky sack.
I lost.
Speaking of hacky-sack . . . did I say something that upset actus?
Sometimes, when I’m home alone, and all the lights are out, I like to enjoy a nice baguette rubbed with tomato.
There I said it!
I’ve been trying to talk some sense into baguettes since 1968 (my first visit to Surrenderville). I know in my heart it is fruitless…but I persevere and get one or two a week. Perhaps some day I will not be cursed with having to change the world and I too can eat wonder Bread.
Bringing bread to the masses is a bad thing? Are you folks graduates of the Marie Antoinette school? Hey Jeff how about a Walmart bashing thread?
You’re a good man rls. Save one loaf and you save the world.
Hey, Jeff, if you changed the name of this series to “Invasion, USA, you could get Chuck Norris on your side.
tw: military. I swear it’s true.
Droll–
I hope you don’t think that we’re bashing your ethnicity, or anything, but it’s a wonder they’re able to label that stuff bread. Next thing they’ll start calling Coors beer!
Once, in a moment that would have made MacGyver proud, I used wonder bread and and a bag of pork rinds to stop a school bus of impressionable co-eds from going to the Yearly Kos by rendering it’s carburator useless, and therefore saving thes air creatures from becoming mindless drones. In thanks, I got each one of them to swear to haze each other in their panties on their college soccer team. Sure it caused Northwestern University to get in trouble but I hear enrollment is way, way up.
TW: Earth, wonderbread saved it one g-stringed soccer girl at a time.
Wonder bread is a paper tiger. Remember what it did with Bologna? Fold. Cut and run. It was consumed. We can eat it.
Allahu akbar.
I feel oddly obligated to post this. Just to close a post of mine in some previous thread.
lebop (the Lebanon Profile) made it but no pics of that road trip for now. He fled to Syria along with about 100,000 others.
But he can not post from Syria, of course.
link
Short quote:
“I’m safe in Syria, and that the trip over the mountains was fine.
…
Syria is filled with foreigners from all over the world. The conflict in Lebanon has destroyed transit throughout the Middle East, Europe, Southeast Asia and Australia, and transatlantic.”
Wow. Those Israeli fighters have a lot of range.
I eat Omaha steak on kosher rye bread. Go ahead; fuck with my borders.
You could have done an end run around this Euro/ Wonder Bread dilemma by baking your own. THAT’S the American solution.
Wonder bread – Fuck Yeahhhh!
(Nuke them with bleached bread from orbit…. It’s the only way to be sure…)
I’d love to know how much industrial fool-like edible product, like Wonder Bread and Spam, came from a World War II need to feed as many people as cheaply as possible.
Didn’t Stalin admit that Spam shipments kept millions of Soviet citizens alive?
TW Horse. As in, I’m glad Spam exists, but I would rather eat one.
So, you want to….toast…them?
I know I’m gona get shit for this,but one of my guilty pleasures(besides Thai chicks and sticks)is roast turkey with gelled cranberry sauce,stuffing and miracle whip ON wonder bread!!Sure,the bread falls to pieces and you can’t taste it but that’s the point!!
TW:in my DEFENSE,I only do this after Thanksgiving…
Hey folks, the true evil spawn of Wonder Bread is the Twinkie.
Indestructible, lasts forever, and even highly aerodynamic for use in food fights.
You can even eat them at your own risk.
Fortunately a kind German baker taught me the secret of making my own Pretzels and Pretzel Bread, so I have no need of Twinkies or Wonder Bread. If only I could brew Pilsner like they do in Stuttgart…
Phone Technician  Yes, but thousands of innocent Russian civilians were killed and injured by those little blue cans plummeting down from the Gooney Birds…
Exactly. Thereby making even more food available.
Sometimes a Freudian slip is just a Freudian slip, but I can’t help wondering if this means someone doubts Actus’ claim to be from Brazil.
Dude, I don’t think you get the whole concept of “guilty pleasure” if you consider either of those to be one. Appletinis would be a guilty pleasure. Helen Thomas would be a guilty pleasure.
Actually, Helen Thomas would be an act of psychotic self-immolation.
The (TW) Answer is that alas, this was just a Freudian slip. I wish I had thought of that, though.