From the Spain Herald:
The Spanish Socialist Party will introduce a bill in the Congress of Deputies calling for “the immediate inclusion of (simians) in the category of persons, and that they be given the moral and legal protection that currently are only enjoyed by human beings.” The PSOE’s justification is that humans share 98.4% of our genes with chimpanzees, 97.7% with gorillas, and 96.4% with orangutans.
…and 99% with mice. But then, mice aren’t quite so, y’know, powerful and nasty when you snap their little mice necks for gnawing through your cupboard and eating your Montecados.
The party will announce its Great Ape Project at a press conference tomorrow. An organization with the same name is seeking a UN declaration on simian rights which would defend ape interests “the same as those of minors and the mentally handicapped of our species.”
…And greater than those third world children who are quite comely and tend to make UN peacekeepers randy with their saucy little emaciated strutting.
Will the UN go along? Most likely. After all, issuing such a declaration is a lot easier than dealing with, say, African genocides or Iranian nukes. And every official UN declaration—no matter how silly—is followed by brie, bread, and wine. So it’s a win-win!
But I digress.
According to the Project, “Today only members of the species Homo sapiens are considered part of the community of equals. The chimpanzee, the gorilla, and the orangutan are our species’s closest relatives. They possess sufficient mental faculties and emotional life to justify their inclusion in the community of equals.”
Well, maybe they’re “equal” to certain progressives. But me? I tend not to fling poo and travel in a shrewdness like Apes. Or the commenters at Pandagon.
(h/t Tom Pechinski; see also, Barcepundit)
Oh God. So many jokes. Where do I begin? Does this mean Spanish monkies will be allowed to vote and collect welfare? Will they be subject to Spanish law like humans? If so, I bet they’re gonna have to change the laws about masturbating in public (though other countries might not).
USTEDES MANIACOS!
Although I find it highly unlikely, I hope with every fiber of my being that the UN seriously backs this. A good portion of the world, including the US, still has faith in the effectiveness of the UN, and see it as the only legitimate arbiter for international conflicts. Things like this will continue to chip away at that belief, even with ridiculous leftists. Or am I giving them too much credit? Also, can you imagine the South Park episode on this?
….or acthole.
Obligatory ignore acthole post.
– How long before we see outcries for public support of ape/Liberal marraige.
– Come to think of it, maybe that explains a lot about Liberals/Progressives. I for one, will not argue with them if they claim they’re on a par with monkeys. We all sort of susspected such was the case already. Its high time the world recognized this “subversion” of the Progressives rightful heritage.
Hee, hee.
This is up over at Ace’s.
So maybe the Spanish are on to something.
Look, they weren’t terribly serious about the proposal, as le French, I mean, Spanish often just explore the existential potential of getting people to accept and actually pay for their, I mean, animals’ absurd dehumanization, I mean humanization.
I bet they’re gonna have to change the laws about masturbating in public
There’s a law against spanking the monkey in public?
There’s an angel on my shoulder I guess.
My goodness Chairman Me, if Apes of Spanish descent or citizenship are subject to laws, the prisons would become overrun with them. It would be like a zoo! Obviously, their minority status would have to afford them some mitigating rights. It goes without saying that the acceptable lexicon would need some polishing at the very least. Fecal flinging, public sex, excessive masturbation, and violence are long-established elements of their culture. Could we truly demand that they shed these critical behaviors that define their culture, simply to conform to our preconceived notions of how simians should behave? I know what knuckle-dragging neocons would say. Wait, that’s hate speech. You can’t say knuckle-dragging anymore. Afterall, since we’ve stolen all their land, they were never given a choice to join civilization. It was forced on them!
I propose a month should be set aside to celebrate our Solidarity with Ape-Peoples. Thoughts?
BTW, I didn’t realize there was an rls that posts here. I’ll post under something else from now on.
I propose a month should be set aside to celebrate our Solidarity with Ape-Peoples. Thoughts?
Only one:
Get your damn hands off of me, you damn dirty ape!!
“Animals are clearly not machines, but neither are they slightly diminished human beings. Intellectual understanding is not found in any degree in any animal but man. The human capacity to understand the what and the why of things is unique in the animal kingdom. With respect to this faculty, man is different in kind from animals, not in degree. The difference between apes and other animals is one of degree, since they possess the same kinds of powers to a greater or less extent. But a greater gap separates man from ape than that which separates any two other natural creatures. (Augros, Robert [philosopher] & Stanciu, George [physicist], “The New Biology: Discovering the Wisdom in Nature”, New Science Library, Shambhala: Boston, MA, 1987, p.82).
I’ll take the UN’s interest in this subject seriously after they accept the proposition that Israelis and Jews have human rights.
On the other hand, if Jews are sons of apes and pigs, then conferring human rights on apes may achieve these unintended consequences.
t/w “movement,” as in “look at that ape flinging its movement”
Hmmm, I wonder the percentage is for human fetuses. Well, and humans as well. But then this is Spain and not under Holland’s euntanasia laws. Yet.
An organization… is seeking a UN declaration on simian rights which would defend ape interests “the same as those of minors and the mentally handicapped of our species.”
This is a just and humane proposal, people. Simply put, this means Tony Snow will have to more gently toss out the bananas to the press room and spell out big words when he speaks.
You know, I’m not sure. But they did once send the police helicopter up in my neighborhood for an hour or so looking for a guy that someone thought they’d seen walking down the street with his wanger hanging out.
(And before anyone asks, no, it wasn’t me. I was trying to take a nap. And having a damn hard time of it with that helicopter circling around overhead. They’re lucky that a: the deer rifle was at my brother’s house; and b: I didn’t have any slugs for the 12 ga.)
These special rights for Primates are really just a way to continue discrimination against Dolphins.
What the hell, why not?
The UN has already admitted cheese eating surrender monkeys.
– New title for WH press briefings?
– “The Babboon Gaggle”
This is so transparent. Of course they want to give them full rights, because they know they’ll all vote Socialist.
I can’t believe it took until the eighth comment for the “damn, dirty apes” line to make an appearance.
BECAUSE OF THE TERRIARCHY!!!!!
The next thing they’ll do is call for providing our genetic cousins subsidized Rioja.
It will be known as the Grape Ape Project.
Oh my God. I’m back. I’m home. All the time, it was… We finally really did it.
YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!
sw: hot. That Nova chick was hot
Hmmm.
Ok then. Who do I sue if one of those bastards flings feces at me?
Hmmmm.
And in case there is a need for clarification, I’m talking about the apes, not progressives.
…
Though I suppose it could apply to progressives as well…
I just hope this turns out more like Troy McClure’s high-spirited Stop The Planet of The Apes, I Want to Get Off, and less like that downer of a movie it was based on.
Do they wish this law to extend to Grape Apes as well?
Ah yes, the ghetto bird, Atlanta’s mascot. What’s really fun is when you see the spotlight tracing all around your block at 3am. Nothing contributes to a good night’s sleep like knowing that a desperately fleeing suspect is somewhere closeby. The gun stays in the nightstand now.
Oh, and keep it your pants, dude.
Hmm, logic dictates that this proposal opens up a slimy slope of animal diversity argument. If 96.4% similarity is good enough what about a slighly lower % to include our monkey cousins? And then why not a lower % to include all the mammals? And heck why stop there? Onchyophores, Rotifers, Priapulids, Tardigrades, Chaetognathes, Chelicerates, etc. unite! You have nothing to lose but your Linnean-imposed anthropocentric hierarchy!
TW: I imagine a future of proto-simian bliss.
But, but, if they do this, I won’t be able to enjoy my Thursday night monkey head soup.
– Actually Onchyophores are best served chilled to at least 36 degrees, on a bed of lettuce hearts with almost any good Frieche’ or Goda, and a nice light rose’.
If this goes through, humans will no longer be the apex of evolution.
And loaded, I might add.
-(But watch it – they spit)-
I for one will welcome our simian overlords.
– Just what we needed. More life forms on the welfare roles. Damn Socialists…..
– Wait. I guess that will be Semianists now….
….Damn Semianists….
(From Cooking with Murtha)
– Due to their “velvety” texture and difficulty in pinning them down, Onchyophora are not good candidates for grilling, although lightly battered, they can be flash deep fried to bring up a bit of crispness. The technique is to quickly dip them in roiling cooking oil, and then cut and run before you achieve too much success, success here defined as anything that favors the bushy vegatables on the other side of the table. Of course keeping in mind that hot oil, like truth, tends to rise to the surface, and the cook can get burned if the efforts are to heavy handed and clumsy. If that happens you can always point out that not much should ever be expected from worms.
– Next week we’ll talk about party garnishes with Chaetognathes. Bon Appitite’
There’s a law against spanking the monkey in public?
Yes, but this isn’t about monkeys, only great apes.
So, when they eat your face and chew off your balls, do they get arrested, have a trial, and if convicted, juiced?
The New Orleans electoral runoff seems promising…
The Spanish Socialist Party will introduce a bill in the Congress of Deputies calling for “the immediate inclusion of (simians) in the category of persons, and that they be given the moral and legal protection that currently are only enjoyed by human beings.â€Â
It should be interesting to see how the Spanish judiciary works out “community property” allocations for members of a baboon troop when they file for divorce. Will the courts appoint attorneys to represent plaintiffs and defendants? Who will pay the lawyers? Lawyers don’t work for peanuts.
Lawyers and monkeys and taxpayer money. I’m beginning to see where this is going …
Idiots. Uplift, then rights. Uplift, then rights. We’re never going to be a decent patron species if we pull stunts like this.
How about one of thw writers at Pandagon? If there are still any researchers that are searching for the great missing link between humans and apes, they might want to dive into the Marcotte gene pool. Gotta be in there someplace.
TW: why teh hell do I blog on LEFT Off Colfax?
Wait a minute. Will this mean human rights for Helen Thomas!?
Heh. Wolfling. heh.
Already used above are the Charlton Heston movie quotes, the sequel and remake quotes, the Simpsons’ Troy McLure parody, the Jane Goodall, Julia Child and lawyer analogues, and the specie-ist Chaetognoth, et al., reductio ad absurdum.
That seems to leave me free to use the only alternate avenue I can think of: British Monty Python Tradition!
There is a legend that the British will retain Gibraltar only as long as the local apes (damned annoying nuisances, one and all) remain on The Rock. This attempt by the Spanish to humanize all apes may be an indirect attempt, once more, to take back Gibraltar! And why did I bring up Monty Python?
Because NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
“I will extend rights to animals once they petition for them.”
–Murray Rothbard
Or in this case, THE SPANISH RE-ACQUISITION!
But Pam Anderson speaks out on why apes shouldn’t be permitted to enter the Screen Actors Guild:
http://www.opinionjournal.com/extra/?id=110008298