…Well, for my money, that Ayla chick’s legs are almost too long, y’know? I mean, lots of unnecessary real estate to traverse on your way to the naughty bits, if you ask me.
Of course, on the plus side, you’d think having a girlfriend who hits 80% of her free throws and can dunk has gotta be worth something. Right?
****
note: today’s libation: margaritas (6).
She seems a bit young for you. Although she lists Christina Aguilera as one of her favorite female artists, so you know, she might be a doer. If you know what I mean.
Hope this post/site isn’t representative of the J&I Blog Awards. Yawn.
Aw, come on, tailgating American Idol is bad enough, but margaritas?
Any man tailgating American Idol needs to take the tequila straight up. No lemon, no lime, no salt.
“Any man tailgating American Idol needs to take the tequila straight up. No lemon, no lime, no salt.”
I disagree Vinnie, on the rocks 2/3 Tequila a splash of lime juice and you will feel the burn.
I think she has a perfect set of legs.
Feet at the bottom, cooter at the top.
She’s only 17. Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.
Hey, thanks David!
Maybe one day I can be a real writer like YOU! Ignore the links under “about,” by the way. Just more material to make someone of such obvious depth as yourself yawn even more.
Prick.
I liked your first response more, Jeff.
You know what? I don’t care anymore. I’m taking a break.
That’s the spirit!!
Jeff, you’re an absolute genius and what you write about is important and often funny. Don’t let the stones they are trying to throw find their mark.
Turing = press, as in I get all the info I need about American Idol from citizen journalist like Jeff, here.
From what I hear, they’re bringing in a lot more of obviously no-talent contestants, just so the audience can jeer at them. Not my idea of entertainment…
Gimme a break. Asshole actually writes “and so it goes” on his blog, and he has the nerve to criticise anyone with writing abilities north of a thalidomide baby? Fuck ‘im.
– Only if you’re a rank amatuer that doesn’t understand getting there is half the fun…..
Jeff, all I can say is that either Mrs Wisdom was looking over your shoulder, or you have lost your fucking mind.
I may have to watch AI myself….
OK, Ayla makes you want to ask, Larson-like, “Hey baby, do those legs go all the way up?”
But Katharine McPhee’s more my type. She’s … well, as Paula put it, well-oiled. Yum yum.
Libation of the day: scotch (3) (but I use a 6-oz. shot glass)
And I’m sure there’s an audience out there for the Mandingo chic, but seriously, next time she talks to the judges? Frontal shots only, please.
Ah, but how about that Kellie Pickler puttin’ the microphone between her legs while talking to Seacrest, She’s a would.
You win Todd, besides, I’m a single malt Scotch man.
But no amount of Scotch could remove the taste of AI out of my mouth.
Now, tailgating to 24, that I could get into.
Of course, new Sopranos coming up too.
Well, for my money, that Ayla chick’s legs are almost too long, y’know? I mean, lots of unnecessary real estate to traverse on your way to the naughty bits, if you ask me.
Jeff, your analysis is sometimes sharp. But this sexist, and quite honestly disgusting “news summary” is a bad show, my friend. That is, unless you’re trying to appeal to the frat. crowd, which is quite possible.
No bad feelings here. Just pointing out a tasteless and pointless post. I challenge you to disagree. And so it goes.
xxxDavid
No, David: the sexist is you, for assuming that women are so delicate, they’ll be offended by any joke that might be the slightest bit ribald.
And . . . disgusting? The female body is disgusting? Yup: you’re the sexist.
I’m quite honestly hoping Jeff doesn’t dignify this with a response. Because if you don’t get the joke, that’s <i>fine.</a> I’m not going to explain it to you. Now go home, rather than hanging around telling us why we shouldn’t appreciate Jeff’s sexy, offbeat, surrealistic sense of humor.
There are millions of blogs out there: go find your bliss Buddy. Or if you choose to stay here, shut the fuck up.
AG – Hmmm….if you insist.
Jeff –
Your comment on my blog:
Hey! I’ve been published! On numerous occasions, too!
Maybe going on to somebody’s site who you don’t know and taking a dump on the person running it isn’t precisely the kind of karma you need at this juncture in your career, David.
Just a thought.
My comment:
You and others seem to be reacting to a comment that was not hostile at all. It was honest, and in response to a rather sexist post of yours on a site for which that is not the norm.
Look, I’ve been reading your blog anonymously for some time now, and have come to appreciate much of what is offered here. Unfortunately, your AI post was the dump taken. I’ll admit that my original comment was vague and sarcastic, and I should have been clearer. My bad. However, someone needs to take criticism a bit better here, particularly after writing such a post. Are you often funny? Yes. Was this one a pathetic post given what is usually found here? Mmmmhmmmm.
Again, no bad feelings here. Sorry you took it so hard. But I stand by my comments.
David
That’s criticism? And you are a teacher? Have you maybe been spending too much time hanging out with teenage girls? You should try submitting to Scholastic Magazine.
Then you know what this post/site represents and are just a pretentious poseur, which given your obviously mediocre talent and intellect is fucking hilarious.
I’ve tried. Scholastic won’t accept my work. I don no how to rite goodly.
Oh, and I like your selective reading:
And a challenge concerning “My mediocre talent and intellect”:
Read the recent essay (7 parts) posted on my site and then give me an honest assessment. Honest, my friend, not reactionary. I’ll accept whatever conclusions you draw.
Have we reached the point where any comment about a woman, by a man, which is disliked by an asshat, is considered “sexist”?
You try too hard. Your prose is forced. Stilted.
I have no desire to get to know the character you outline. He’s a self-important dweeb.
can we go back to the naughty bits part now?
I mean she is named after that Clan of the Cave Bear lady that got her groove back with Jondalar after being raped by that Neanderthal dick.
I mean, I know that Valley of the Horses is sexist and raw, but hey, tell that to any other 17 year old with only the last two issues of the Swimsuit edition, and a perky imagination with the image of Katy Ireland burned into your skull.
Jeff, if you quit then the terrorists have won…or something…
David —
The target of this joke is me. It’s self-effacing—first, that I would be “tailgating” “American Idol”, second, that I would publically declare on the anatomy of a 17-year-old.
The post is part of the persona I sometimes play here. An intoxicated (and so overly “candid”) boor. The very act of posting this, in it’s (clearly, to regular readers) mock-confessional tone, is the joke.
No sexism here; just your sanctimony, I’m afraid.
But thanks for making me explain it. At any rate, I’m sure some sensitive male (or outraged female) will be over soon to agree with you and point out my latent sexism.
My wife the women’s studies major, for what it’s worth, got a chuckle out of it. And (to borrow from Vonnegut) so it goes, so it goes…
I actually like that paragraph, a lot. Particularly given its context. But I’ll accept self-important. Check. Dweeb. Check. Forced prose? Don’t think so, but who am I to judge?
Don’t waste your time, Jeff. The “crass, shallow Jeff” vignettes are 1) so long-running and 2) so obvious that David’s complete misreading of your tone and complete missing of the point make him, by definition, not worth the effort.
I, for one, enjoy the cleansing of the palette that these little asides provide. Even when I haven’t the foggiest idea what you’re talking about (AI makes me cringe, and red pills scare me).
God help us when David meets the armadillo.
Never explain a joke.
SB: pressure
PV=nRT
David, now you went and made Jeff spoil the joke for me.
Have you no conscience?
Jeff, the target of your joke should have been her shoes.
Blech.
(I was tailgating snippets of AI – my kids love the show.)
To all –
Sorry for making Jeff go and spoil his self-effacing joke. Strikes chest.
To Jeff –
I don’t read this daily, but read it often enough to appreciate your biting political commentary and humorous/insightful take on the news. Sorry, but I don’t recognize this brand–the self-effacing, drunk frat. boy character who surfaced. Yeah, I’ve seen your sardonic, belching, ironic wit before. But this one was different. If others who read you more often disagree, then my apologies for muddying up your waters. A brother’s gotta admit if he’s wrong, if indeed I am. Let the self-deprecation continue. Extends hand.
Oh, and I’ve met the armadillo. He kicked me out of the den.
Lessee… David comes onna board, proves he’s a humorless shcmuck over and over, and then invites us to go read his seven-frickin’-part essay to see how smart he is?
Are we sure HE ain’t a Jeff Goldstein joke?
– I think we all get it David. In your dour, humorless surroundings, you’re not permitted to recognize high brow obverse comedic prose. So be it. You’re forgiven. Just don’t fuck with the ‘dillo.
TW: The only issue here is self imposed intellectual density….
I’m with Robin. Thanks for nothing David. Don’t you know it’s the boorish Jeff that all us chicks are hot for? Don’t tell me it’s all been a facade?
First I learn the truth about Clay, and now this. My world is shattered.
Six margaritas and I’d be playing an extended improvisational solo on the porcelain tuba.
Thanks, Carin, but its approval from Jeff’s wife that is the sole reason for my existance.
Somehow, I can’t see boorish Jeff noticing or caring what a woman has on her feet, as long as she HAS feet.
Don’t use the gold commode. It’s probably a Tuba.
Six margaritas and I’d be playing an extended improvisational solo on the porcelain tuba.
Wuss.
Don’t feed the troubadour.
Considering what tuba music sounds like, it could very well improve things.
Lysistrata, jeff isn’t boorish– he’s absolutely hot. If you weren’t a dried-up hormone-challenged old skank, you’d be able to sense that.
Here’s a tasty bit for you, my leige.
weeping and gnashing of teeth at Greenwald’s
I commend Jeff from making the obvious comment about Mandisa’s choice of song title. I know, that I even had that occur to me makes me a bad, bad person.
She did make pretty much all of my body hair stand straight on end, though. What a voice. I have to say that I never paid much attention to this show before this year; this year the top three or four females are probably better than all of the contestants in prior years put together.
A little…hostile, aren’t we?
For pete’s sake, Jeff himself said it was a persona.
Get a grip, would you?
I’d let Ayla slobber on my weiner a little bit.
T/W “Whatever you do, please don’t call me a boor. That would hurt my feelings.”
Lysistrata, it is your persona i object to.
The greek female protagonist that advocated withholding sex until the warfare stopped?
You sound like a feminist/pacifist to me.
Pardon while i spit damn at you.
Things are not always as they seem, Nishizono Shinji. I merely liked the story, and the name is moderately similar to my own. Feminist? In a way. Pacifist? Nope. I don’t have the time or energy to explain my worldview, but if you visit my blog and read my posts, you’ll see that I dislike war, but appreciate its necessity, and that I am all for equal rights for women, but do not identify with the feminist movement. I guess I’m a bit of a rebel, as was my namesake.
I congratulate you, however. You seem to be the first person to actually get the reference.
– Actually when you think about it, thats pretty pragmatic, unless of course you’re into necrophilia. On the other hand its perfectly natural to want to kill something before you get laid. Afterwards, if shes any good, you won’t have the energy. Plus its all manly like…..
The amazing part is that this comment could work in the drunk=rape thread as well.
– DG – can you say “tongue-in-cheek” and use it in a sentence. Besides, mixing too much booze with things just illicits yet more “no sex until the drinking ceases” rules.
I already tried reading your essay, and your condesending attitude about Athens Ga is part of what set me off. The idea that nobody there had ever seen a yarmaluke before is utter bullshit. We strive for a little less tragic brand of hipness down here, probably what threw you off.
B Moe –
Didn’t want to get fiesty anymore, but…
…I lived in Athens for six years, in the great state of Georgia for twenty. Apparently, you’ve never visited any establishments outside the “townie” prowl in UGA land. Try taking a drive up HWY 129 and hang with the local farming/concrete-plant-working community. Not “condesending”, my friend, just reality. A different world (which I never would have encountered had it not been for my homegrown friends). For some in that bar, it was the first time they’d seen anyone actually wearing a, wait, what did you call it, a yarmaluke. (Is that your Star Wars fetish surfacing?) Couple of them even tried it on.
Anyway, you be the judge. Here’s the “condesending” piece of which B Moe speak:
David – Ok. Wait one. You’re a teacher and you don’t understand the “peer preening” rituals among the glandular young. You might as well have been wearing a tuutuu as a Yarmulke. By now ,with more experience under your belt, I’m assuming you have a better understanding of the parochial nature of places in America, as well as the tendencies of godzillateens to act out. I don’t think thats any endemic indication of rampant semitism. Really. I say that kindly as a fellow joooooo.
– Sounds to me like she had “our” number –
She did indeed, BBH.
And you get props, even though you didn’t read carefully enough.
Did I accuse these “glandular” youth of any Semitic biases? Nope, for you’re absolutely right–I could have been wearing a tutu; the point of this section is to depict how my cap generated the stir for which I was desperately seeking, a stir that was certainly rooted in these kids’ posturing for attention.
See, if you read the essay in its entirety, you’ll notice this whole yarmulke-wearing phase was one step in a lifelong addiction I’ve had for attention. The section to which you refer is merely one in a series of observations pointing this out. And if you actually read every word, you’ll notice that nowhere do I suggest any anti-Semitic antics on the part of these “preening” kids. My own antics and the responses they elicited are the focus here.
But thanks for reading, eh?
I’ve been to the Silver Saddle, if that is what you are talking about, I went there alot back in my drinking days when I needed a break from the college crowd. I played in bands in the trendy spots downtown but worked construction to pay the bills, so I ran with alot of different kinds of folks. The percieved threat was just your paranoia flaring up- just because some of us get our hands dirty at work don’t make us barbarians.
Hey!
Fuck a bunch of motherfuckers that don’t like Athens, GA. Except I don’t, ‘cause UT has had a tough time there the last few years. BUT…a town that sprung the B-52’s (and Guadalcanal Diary and the Swimming Pool Q’s) AND has the Varsity drive-in is the shit as far as I’m concerned. Southern folks know a goddamn yarmulke when they see one…they were just fuckin’ wit ‘cha…dude. So, in sum, southern college town life—Yes! Self-absorbed douche bags that can’t write–Boo!
Turin word–along. As in “Along dick should be stuck up yer ass for your provincial attitude.”
Hey B…that’s the point. It was my perceived paranoia.
And it wasn’t the Silver Saddle.
Meant it to be funny. Guess it missed it’s mark. I promise to try harder next time.
I once had a tounge in my cheek. Thank G-d she was too drunk to notice.
– Sorry DG – I just spent a worthless hour+ trying to explain to actus why the clue-bat he needs to be hit with is too large for any normal human being to pick up. My bad….
No problem BBH. Just wanted you to know my comment was meant to be derogatory.
As for actus, hell the guy just seems to love to argue. The topic seems inconsequential. As long as he is arguing against something a “Rightie” is arguing for, he seems content to keep at it.
To be fair, I don’t visit enough leftie sites to know if he does it there too, or if he becomes a member of the Hallelujah chorus.
*waving hand in the air* I got it! I got it! but i didn’t say anything. though i probably cheated and am only familiar with the story becuase Houston Grand Opera debuted an opera of it this season.
tw: however, that’s how i learn a lot of stuff.