1. Develop some sort of super strength or other unusual attribute that would provide him with an advantage over ordinary humans. Like, say, X-ray vision, or an elastic neck, or the ability to move shit around by concentrating really really hard.*
2. Use that power for GOOD by KICKING ASS (be it through ethics legislation, or just a plain old series of SUPER rabbit punches to Tom Delay’s kidneys).
3. Design a costume that would readily signify his SUPERNESS (and really accentuate his muscular thighs. What can he say? He loves to bike!
Also, he’d need to develop a trademark quip, something like “You’ve been filibustered, baby!” or “WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW, FRIST, YOU DITHERING BITCH!”
4. Have a SUPER secret hideout with lots of cool technological gizmos at his disposal that will allow him to find and kill Usama Bin Laden, end the North Korean and Iranian nuclear threats, and provide every American with affordable health care. (For that latter, consider divvying up Ted Kennedy and Jay Rockefeller’s collective fortunes).
5. IMPEACH BUSH!*
It’s the Democrats’ version of a faith-based initiative.
If ever there were a post that called for an Allah-esque photoshop…
I would’ve thought any Democrat’s four-point plan to become a superhero would hinge on his finding a way to turn everyone else on earth into jellyfish.
‘Cause it’s so much easier—not to mention morally and intellectually superior <sniff>– to lift yourself up by tearing everyone else down, y’know?
The Deaniac’s got it goin’ on! The man has got the plan! I’m definitely gonna vote Democrat this fall … and stike my blow for freedom! And SUPERNESS!!
YEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!
Anyone else picture the costume being orange and making Dean look like Aquaman?
I was thinking Dean as a more metrosexual hero…like The Spleen in Mystery Men.
I’m picturing him as Floyd R. Turbo, American.
That scream in Iowa? Just practicing his Kung Fu kiai. Gonna be badder than Bruce fuckin’ Lee, baby!!
Beating up these clowns is just too much fun. BTW, if you really want to annoy a ‘liberal’, forward them this link about how the biggest story of the last 15 years is the center of gravity of world philosophy moving decisively away from socialism.
SuperHowie
If I only had a ….. what was that?
Speaking of the surreal, where’s actus?! Speaking of the surreal, where are the Democrats heads?!
Speaking of the surreal, you can’t make this shit up.
(Jeff, for a hat-tip, I’ll hit the tip jar. Is that how that works?
What? Got a problem with capitalism?)
tw: Nothing personal.
Jeff,
How did you manage to get access to the DNC mainframe and pinch this? You didn’t do something illegal, I hope.
I mean, other than those pills you often mention.
Cordially…
I grow more convinced each day that Mr. Dean is on the Rove payroll.
– Sooooo Mr Dean…. Lets see… your resume shows you have no work experience, you have a bat on your shoulder, and all you can say is Arrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh…
– ARRRRrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh…
Well I’m sure we can find you something for you….
– ARRRRrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh…
– Oh heres something….the Matlin brothers have a position in the bat shit crazy shipping department…. they use the “peoples prolitariot” software… I’m sure your can handle it….
– ARRRRrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh…
Many years ago, on the planet Kucinich, Gore-Al placed embryonic stem cells in a rocket so they would escape the planet’s impending destruction. This rocket landed near the young Howard Dean’s home, irradiating him with embryonic stem cell radiation, and turning him into… Democratic National Committee Chair-Man!
YEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGHH!
Chair-Man!
Well, Bush is on foreign soil which means it is about time for Chair-Man, with his super-sensory timing powers to pull a Murtha-move and divert attention. No celebrating good ties with India–there’s undermining spotlight grabbing to be done here at home!
Such is the power of the Chair-Man.
– Personally I was leaning toward WOMBATMAN myself Maybee, but you idea is more apropos….
TW: The assailants were last seen in the vicinity of Santa Monica and Ocean boulevard, being chased by CHAIRMAN weilding his magic Vibro-bed. Witnesses in the La Brea area reported his presense was unmistakable from the ear shattering noise of his arrrrggghhh siren….
BBH- although it is generally my policy to take any credit given me, in this case I must credit Dorkafork for the brilliance of Chair-man.
All this superhero talk along with the Dems just makes me picture the “Incredibly Gay Duo”. Wasn’t that skit on SNL? Another thing…all superheros have a nemesis. There must be a good one for Chair-man
Not to nitpick(OK, that was a lie) but a rabbit punch is when a boxer punches a guy behind the ear on the back of his head. Super Dean would need to wrap his elastic fingers around Frists midsection, and squeeze his kidneys up into his scalp, and THEN punch his kidneys. Not a problem for Super Dean.
TW-Squeeze too hard, and he would blow Frists MIND.
Ya know,
If he actually said he was going to do these things, the MSM would jump in with their three part plan. 1. He says he’s going to do these things and he’s just the man to do it. 2. He’s doing these things. 3. He did these things. Because they don’t need facts, figures, and truth when the end result is so justified.
Chair-Man already has a nemesis, reality.
Nice RomperRoom.
I’ll pick up some of this Silly Putty (TM) and see if it sticks.
RNC Chair—how effective has he been?
Senate Majority Leader—*waffles* or has he been flipping flapjacks? The unwashed masses only remember him for his diagnosis via video.
Speaker of the House—most GOP don’t even know who he is or think DeLay was actually Speaker.
The Administration—underwater breathing through a straw.
All is well in comics world
The fund-raising difference speaks for itself. Dean is getting his ass handed to him in that regard.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that about Bush, Bill Gates would be my bitch.
Still waiting on an original thought.
InNoutofcontrol-lead … If you’re here with the laundry just leave it on the front table… If you’re here to try to think of Anything Dizzy Dean doesn’t look assinine at, you’re too late. He left in the clown car an hour ago….
TW: Although if you need something to do you could run out and get us a pizza…heavy on the irony….
incontrolados,
Thou art DEAF to irony. Please note the titles, “Majority Leader,” “Speaker,” etc.
And HOWARD DEAN will lead the Dems back to the promised land.
You’re going to have to stop, because I can’t take another laugh-induced hernia. One just healed from Ted Kennedy lamenting the politicization of the judicial confirmation process.
incontrolados, you on Dean is John Madden (or John Merrick; take your pick) on the triple Salchow.
Bush lied, New Orleans died.
Unlike Wile E. Coyote, my genius has now been officially recognized. Unfortunately, like Wile E. Coyote, I can never capture my prey—in this case, the linguistic majic that is the Jeff Goldstein Experience. Damn you, Jeff, damn you to Hell—or Nifelheim, or whatever version of eternal damnation your particular racial/ethnic/sexual identity group has designated as the final destination for the irredeemably evil—for you have eclipsed me in my moment of glory.
But this does count as part of my 15 minutes—right (he queries meekly)?
Isn’t this a 5-point plan?
What’s all this talk about killing bin Laden? I thought he was supposed to get a fair trial.
This Chair-Man has become a dangerous vigilante.
Now you know how they’re gonna pay for all the swag.
Damn you, Jeff, damn you to Hellâ€â€or Nifelheim, or whatever version of eternal damnation your particular racial/ethnic/sexual identity group has designated as the final destination for the irredeemably evil
Jeff is a perfidious Jew, so that would be Kansas.
Of course, he’s also a libertarian, so that would also be Sweden.
incontrolados,
In all seriousness, it’s better not to attempt to be witty, penetrating and humorous, rather than to do so as badly as your “silly putty” post.
The clock isn’t ticking here, so take your time until you either hone a serious message, or can manage to create enjoyable wisecracks.
Not that we’re not laughing, but it’s *at* you, and I don’t suppose that was quite the idea.
Cordially…
TW: level. No kidding; I’m doing that with you
I was pretty sure the 4-point plan was fake, until I noticed it had 5-points. Now it seems much more plausible.
The Western patriachal capitalist imperialist hegemony over all forms of expression now extends to numeracy. Quit making Baby Noam cry.
Meanie.
You’re referring to the Ambiguously Gay Duo. As to a nemesis for Dr. Dean, might I suggest: “Naked, Sensitive Guy?”
http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix/howardhulkuk.htm
…If you mixed the Deaniac with Dennis “mind control sattellites” Kucinich.