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“The ‘Failed Academic’s’ Lament”:  a haiku series

At the end of each

summer, I pinch my nipples —

thoughts of dreams deferred…*

38 Replies to ““The ‘Failed Academic’s’ Lament”:  a haiku series”

  1. j.d. says:

    Just think—then, you could be insulated from criticism from Internet hacks who get 100 hits a day.

    Say, how about that cute little sailor in your ads, Jeff. She single?

  2. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Howsabout I make this a series?

    ~

    Man, I sure do wish

    I coulda gotten me some

    of that there tenure!

    ~

    But then, changing a

    diaper beats pointing out a

    fucking comma splice…

  3. Dario says:

    Jeff,

    You simply don’t compare to the likes of Ward Churchill or anonymous “The Editors”.

  4. dario says:

    Crap, I really should read all your updates before replying to the first one I read.  Looks like you covered that angle already.  I looked around but I cannot for the life of me figure out who “The Editors” are.  Besides pretentious dicks that is.

  5. tongueboy says:

    Teach but two courses

    Maintain min’mal office hours

    Laugh on way to bank

  6. Cardinals Nation says:

    It’s not books that attract

    Or academic freedom

    It’s the co-ed skirts

    PS…are they still called co-eds and, if so, do they still wear skirts?

    Just askin’.

  7. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Do those eight years count?

    Or is “failed academic” a

    rolling attribute?

  8. rls says:

    Do those eight years count?

    Or is “failed academic” a

    rolling attribute?

    I always thought that a “failed academic” was a professional student who finally gave up and got a job somewhere after his tenth year of University studies.

    But what the fuck do I know, I couldn’t afford to stay in school past my four years.

  9. Salt Lick says:

    I’ve worked among academics for the last twenty years and this gave me a big chuckle.  In your case, Jeff, “failed academic” is like someone calling Wilt Chamberlin a “failed masturbater.”

  10. Diana says:

    It’s always fascinating when they pick and jooooooooooooos the argument.

  11. alex says:

    In your case, Jeff, “failed academic” is like someone calling Wilt Chamberlin a “failed masturbater.”

    Nice!

  12. mojo says:

    CONTRAVERSIALIST!

  13. Diana says:

    Oh, cripes … it’s a catblogger.  We can fix that.

  14. Diana says:

    Hey, baby! …. how ‘bout that ‘dillo.  Bet he can’t do the watusi.

  15. CraigC says:

    Clearly, Jeff, it’s time for you to curl up in the fetal position with a copy of the John Birch Society Manifesto and sob uncontrollably, preferably while your wife strokes your hair and tells you that really, honestly, success is overrated and she loves you just the way you are.  Cue Billy Joel.

  16. Jay says:

    I went over to The Poor Man’s Institute to look around.

    These people complain about your writing?  OhMyGod!!!

    Nothing but paragraphs of snark, snark, and more snark.  No explanation or defense of positions, no analysis, nothing but sarcastic mutterings of “wingnuttery”. 

    Needless to say, the commenters are insane:

    # abjectfunk Says:

    February 9th, 2006 at 11:42 am

    I just don’t know what to do with the disgust I feel about Gitmo and so many other things.

    We are thugs. We.

    Shit.

    Yeah, that’s right pal.  “We” are nothing but evil.  Of course, when he says “we”, he means “the rest of you guys, but not me, because I’m aware and I’m sensitive”.

    And when this guy does comment on the cartoons?  He drops F-bombs.  Well, that’s a solution, all right.  Never mind the slight inconsistency in his position: he knows he can say that because his rights are protected here.  Or are they?  Catch the snark: “They don’t respect the freedoms we hold dear? Not like we do, either.”

    Really?  Who cut your head off?  Who blew up your pizza parlor?  Who crashed your jet?

    They quote Captains Quarters: “In short, the Left consists of ill-educated, ill-mannered children.” They call this “wingnuttery”.  But they don’t do anything to refute it.

  17. Jay says:

    By the way, to reiterate Salt Lick’s point:

    When I left college

    I said, “time to grow up”; leave

    childish things behind

    I’m better at free verse.

  18. gail says:

    A failed academic is just someone who managed to find something worthwhile to succeed at.

  19. Lauren says:

    I have to say it.  A stay at home parent isn’t a failed anything.

    Fuck that “failed academic” bullshit.

  20. kestrosphendone in a time of katanas says:

    “Shaking Ash-Spears in Academic Valhalla”

    The world trembles at

    The might of this Tenured band,

    Oath-bound of Marcuse!

  21. Phone Technician in a Time of Roaming says:

    I used to work with a guy with a doctorate in US foreign policy. One day, I asked him why a guy with a doctorate in US foreign policy was working in software process improvement.

    He said, “Because in private industry, it matters if you’re right.”

    Which I thought was an interesting comment.

  22. Lauren says:

    Next time I’ll try and get my righteous anger into a haiku.

  23. Robert Schwartz says:

    are they still called co-eds and, if so, do they still wear skirts?

    No, they are womyn, here them roar, and No, not the ones I pay for.

  24. N. O'Brain says:

    That’s the second pinched nipple reference on the internet tonight.

    Coincidence?

    I don’t think so.

  25. Muslihoon says:

    To me, a failed academic is one who does nothing but repeat academia’s memes, regardless of truth or falsehood. Many, many academics are failures, in my eyes.

    I wonder why it’s so incredible that someone would stay home to raise a child. Society has been thusly organized for thousands of years: one parent works while the other raises child(ren). (And this is, in fact, the most important job any person can do.) Often when someone says they’re retiring from their job to spend more time with family, people express disbelief: something more sinister must be the real reason, they say.

    Families are forever in many ways, most especially in the fact that each family passes on (to people of the same generation and to offpring generations) values, teachings, and culture – which will continue onwards and onwards and onwards and onwards. (Assuming we can all survive a nuke-equipped Iran, of course.)

  26. Phinn says:

    Particular commentary is available apon request.

    The Editors, Poor Man’s Institute

    You would think that people who call themselves “The Editors” would know how to spell “upon.”

    I swear, it’s like misspelling “irony” or something.

  27. Ana says:

    The schoolyard bully is usually the kid that’s most messed up. Fuck ‘em. You’re miles ahead.

  28. Kevin says:

    He said, “Because in private industry, it matters if you’re right.”

    University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. (attributed to Henry Kissinger).

  29. Always learning more

    about less and less and less,

    I just make shit up.

    TW: living. Heh.

  30. MayBee says:

    I have to say it.  A stay at home parent isn’t a failed anything

    So true, Lauren.

    Conversely, a failed parent is the worst kind of failure.  Imagine how many problems would go away if everyone that had children took the time to be a great parent.

  31. Bravo Romeo Delta says:

    Minor comment about the whole “failed academic” thing and bias in colleges:

    I do recognize that the plural of anecdote is not data and the majority of my coursework is not in the humanities, the professors I have had in political science coursework (and this may very well be the exception) tended to be very far to the left, but also were intellectually honest and went to great lengths to avoid turning classes into indoctrination.

    This does tend to be a rare situation, but in light of the “failed academic” discussion, perhaps a few of the commenters here say it best – when one loses sight of being an academic in favor of following fads, groupthink, and intellectual fashion – then one is failed.

    BRD

  32. Tim P says:

    Failed academic

    Does not descibe you at all

    Parents teach kids love.

    Poodles bite ankles

    Of the ones they fear the most

    Feel sorry for them.

    Like a volcano

    Envious assholes spew shit

    From their jealous mouths.

  33. Rob Thompson says:

    I suspect the timing.

  34. McGehee says:

    Shouldn’t an academic’s haiku go, 500 syllables/700 syllables/500 syllables?

    The difference between succeeded and failed being, I believe, that the latter’s haiku would actually SAY something?

  35. BurmaShaverist says:

    .

    Teaching Failures

    in a Classroom,

    Don’t Compare,

    To Ones in a Bathroom –

    Burma Shave

    Stay at Home Dads,

    Don’t Have Office Hours,

    But, for a while,

    They have Supernatural Powers –

    Burma Shave

    His Peer Reviewed Paper

    Was a Real Instigator

    It’s Published Now

    On His Refrigerator –

    Burma Shave

    At The End of The Day

    We All Pay the Piper,

    Stay-at-Home Dads

    Get to Pay with Changed Diapers –

    Burma Shave

    .

  36. Dana says:

    If those who can’t do, teach, does that mean that a failed academic is one who could do?

  37. Muslihoon says:

    I agree, BRD. “Groupthink” – that was the word I was looking for while composing my post. Thanks.

    Based on what I did, I sometimes believe my “BA” should have been a “BS,” because that’s what I did for most of my four years. (The only BS I didn’t do was on my senior thesis.)

Comments are closed.