Biden: “Is it fair to say, Judge, that you, like, cringe at the mention of fried chicken and collared greens, or that ‘the bling,’ as I’m told the homies call their shiny material possessions, makes you socially uncomfortable—?”
Chairman Specter: “—That question is completely inappropriate, Senator, and the Chair admonishes you against using this forum as an opportunity to float such inflammatory hypotheticals –!”
Biden: “—You’re absolutely right, Mr Chairman. I apologize and withdraw the question. After all, my intention here today is not to judge—although I should point out that I think we as members of this august committee would be seriously derelict in our duties, and doing the nation a grave disservice, were we not to query the nominee on his understanding of contemporary social dynamics —particularly in light of what he himself has called his ‘proud’ association with CAP, some of whose beliefs can be said to have bordered on the…well, how to put this –”
Chairman Specter: “– The ‘Byrd-esque‘?”
Biden: “The ‘Byrd-esque, precisely. Well played, Mr. Chairman. But if I may, Judge Alito, allow me to shift gears for a moment and ask you this—strictly as a hypothetical, and not intended in any way to impugn you, your religious beliefs, or your admiration for women and their reproductive rights. I will not, for instance, demand you give an answer to how you would likely rule on, say, Roe v Wade.”
Alito: “I appreciate that, Senator.”
Biden: “Now, my question, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, is this: If you could—that is to say, were the medical technology available, and were you to find the Constitution silent on the matter under the concept of enumerated powers —would you be averse to ruling in favor of a state statute—say, from Mississippi, or some other pitiable redneck backwater—that allows for an interested local government, by legislative fiat, to take control of a woman’s uterus?”
Alito: “I’m not sure I understand the question, Senator.”
Biden: “Take control of it. Take ownership. Have it physically removed from her body so that the municipality can monitor it for appropriate, Godly, reproductive use.”
Alito: “You mean…like what, exactly? Put it in a jar, or …?”
Biden: “Consitutionally speaking, yes. Certainly. Or perhaps carry it around with them like tiny little uterus purses, ones that are roughly equivalent in size and function to the pouches of marsupials? Only, you know—appropriately decorative, with sequins and buckles and piping and the like.”
Alito: “Why on earth would I want to do that –?”
Biden: “With all due respect, Judge, please don’t dodge the question. Will you or will you not allow hillbillies to take control of a woman’s uterus by removing it from her body and using it as a kind of mini-accesorized rucksack? A simple yes or no will do, sir!”
****
update: How does one respond to so obvious a strained and disingenuous attempt to pretend you’ve misunderstood the thrust of a post’s point (a post of mine that takes a shot at the odious hyperbole of Senators like Biden and Schumer who attempt, rather baldly and pathetically, in my opinion, to equate conservatism with back alley uterus scramblings) in order that you might, with a semi-straight face and a showy, feminist OUTRAGE!, pen twaddle like this?
Jeff Goldstein also is a strong Alito supporter, but despite his oft-cited nominal pro-choice credentials finds the idea of women losing reproductive rights a laff riot (ha ha, see, the state’s dominion over the fetus isn’t really a physical dominion, so it doesn’t really feel intrusive to have the coercive apparatus of the state force you to bear a child. And it will just be those silly women in Mississippi and Alabama and Texas and Tennessee and…seriously, who cares? If nobody I know is affected, I’m still pro-choice! ROTFL!!!!!!)
My answer, I suppose, is that you simply point out at every opportunity that such risible rhetorical overkill—coupled with the obvious cartooning of political opponents—is precisely the kind of tone deaf strategy that for years now has convinced the overwhelming majority of non ideologues in the American electorate to ignore such carefully manufactured (but substantively empty) hysteria in precisely the same way they might a man standing on a streetcorner proclaiming loudly to passersby that the spawn of Satan, in the form of a cream-coated baby bunny, will soon to spring forth fully formed from a Cadbury egg and turn America into a woman-hating theocracy.
The best thing to do is avoid eye contact, drop a nickel into his hat, and hurry on buy before he decides to take out his pecker and wave it around like the staff of Moses.
You need some serious medication. Really. Just to calm that fevered mind.
Wow. I don’t know if I should be impressed with your creativity, or depressed that I was actually amused!
Twisted. Just … twisted.
Byrd-esque!!! I’ve got a new word!! Thanks, Jeff.
This uterus purse that you speak of, does it come (pun not intended) with all of the proper attachments?
Or a wine sack thingy…
I didn’t see a little asterick link thingy at the end of the post. Is the transcript not yet available on-line? Oh, wait…
TW: low. No, still lower yet…
Jeff, can I have your leftover Klonopin?
Pleeeeeeeze?
Honestly I’m not sure whether you should up the dosage or halve it. You posts have been so funny lately.
– Hopefully she’ll be wearing a nice pair of CFM T strap heels that she can also fork over….I mean a Gucci Ute-purse, without matching accessories and heels would just be Retro-goshe’…Oh Pierre’….Pierre’…Pssst….over here behind the Rhododendrens…..
TW: Abortation is defended mostly because its become big business….
I wasn’t able to follow the hearings. How did Alito answer the question?
TW: didn’t
Excellent stuff Jeff, and you could start a new fashion trend.
Naw, we jus’ use them thangs ter hold our chawin’ terbacky an’ shotgun shells. And what’n the Sam Hill’s a wine skin thingy anyhow?
Again I beg of you……….put a disclaimer or something up front so we’ll know for sure whether this is an actual transcript or an attempt at parody. The line is so…….fuckin’……..thin.
Okay, let’s have some anatomically correct irony please. Everyone should know that an adult human uterus would provide nothing near the material required for a rucksack. A coin purse, or perhaps a very small clutch, but not a rucksack.
And Jeff, the next time you make me spew 90 Minute IPA out of my nose all over my wife’s PowerBook, you and she are going to have a little talk. Me? I’ll be dead already, but don’t worry, it’s not like she knows where you sleep or anything.
You’ll have to excuse me now, I have to finish licking off the PowerBook.
:peter
And Jeff, the links are spendid. Is this a great medium or what?
LIAR!
Um, Peter, I beg to differ. My wife carried triplets up to 35 weeks. They were (lb-oz)5-7, 4-14, and 4-1 when they arrived.
I suppose you just have to pack the thing gradually over the course of six or seven months, but trust me, it’ll give a bit.
Go git ‘im, Joe! Don’t worry cuz that NeoConBu$HitlerZionistHalliburtonsheepbleeting MSM isn’t telling the truth
Gawd, where would we be without Jane telling it Like It Is?
– Darleen…its all they’ve got…. cut ‘em some slack….. (then kill them)…..
Jamie—but keep in mind the elasticity and tension issues. According to your video, Mom got damn near six meters of loft on that first kid out…
Ladies and gentlmen, we have a winner!!!
Well, I was thinking more of an un-pregnant human, but hey. I don’t stand corrected so much as I stand humbled.
And she actually allowed your Johnson to remain attached to your body?!?
Wow, so she’s All Merciful as well as All Powerful. That’s really cool
Alito: “Well, Senator, since there is no settled case law or precedent for such an activity, I would be hard-pressed to look upon it in a positive or legal light.
However, it would be useful to stuff a couple of beer cans inside such a ‘rucksack,’ as you say, and jump up there and start beating the holy shit out of you arrogant, ungracious, bloviating arseholes.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.”
Jamie
over 13 lb of baby…
I had four, but at separate times, biggest 8-14. I’m in awe of your wife.
I have twin grandsons, so the triplet thing makes me believe you guys are earning sainthood about now.
– Personally I like Coulters characterization of what the right to “choice” really means… “the right for women to have unprotected sex with any man they think so little of they’d never dream of having children with”… *snort*
Why are they so protective of their uteri when they have so little use for the only function and product thereof? Seems to me, taking out all those useless organs would eliminate the abortion problems.
Also the problem of growth of the Democratic Party.
Good Golly, Miss Molly
You sure like to ball…………
BBH
OOooo. I like that one! [making notes]
Peter & Darleen, I thank you for the kind words, and I’ll pass them on to my sweetie.
As to the “attachment” question, Peter, we actually had one more child 2 years later. Guess it’s the T-type personality thing.
After numerous “don’t y’all know what causes that” comments, I started replying, “yeah, we know, but just don’t want to give it up.”
Big bravo to BBH from here, as well. As a “sidebar” note, my own experience is exactly why I found the Amy Richards column in which she described with glee her “selective reduction” abortion so utterly revolting. I invite anyone to show me which one (or two) of my beautiful girls I should have done away with.
Yeah, I’m pretty radically pro-life. I don’t think it’s right to kill someone for the sake of convenience, although if the court ever opens that interpretation to include those not still in the womb and not in a PVS, I do have a list…
Now Jamie, getting back to those triplets….
Is it fair to say that all three were of the same racial background?
Hmmmmmmmmm……
And at no time did you invite fetuses of other racial backgrounds into this group, correct?
Hmmmmmmmmm…..
Mr. Chairman, could I have 2 more minutes to complete this line of questioning? Leahy’s dome is blocking my view of the time clock.
I thought this was pretty funny:
http://tinyurl.com/a7gku
This is hilarious! You’ve got dead-to-rights the cadence of the Honorable Joe, one of my senators when I lived in Delaware. One of the very first politicians I ever saw speak, as a kid, back during his first campaign for U.S. Senate at the start of the 1970s.
Linking while laughing.
::::bowing down to Jamie’s wife:::
alpuccino, they had damned well better all be of the same racial background…otherwise I’ll know there’s something besides “bigotry” in the closet.
The above statement, I’m sure, reveals my own latent bigotry (and I’m sure latent homophobia and misogyny, as well).
But I digress