The best things about Gummi Bears (aside from their adorable candy malleability), is that you can almost always keep them safely and snugly in your pants pockets—warm, soft, intimately embracing like a den of pied, tasty Ursus americanus treats…
And better still—the chances that even one of the little fellas will become spooked and tear the thighmeat from your femur in strips of ragged marbled flesh, is exceedingly rare—particularly if you become proficient with UDAP Pepper Power Spray (chest holstered or inert*), or else with squishing a bunch of the Gummi clan into a docile ball with your thumb and forefinger, and then pinching the lump between your cheek and gum, like Earl Campbell once pinched a nice fat chaw of Skoal Wintergreen longcut…
Gummi bears… oh, lord, now I’m gonna have the nightmares again.
MAKE THEM STOP!
I might be wrong. I was once before. But I think Earl dips Copenhagen.
“SKOAL, brother!”
I have never had a gummi bear. I have never had a gummi anything. I can’t eat things that look like things.
You’re not too popular around the ladies, are you?
Taco anyone?
Hold the sour cream. Extra peppers.
“Rooney eats it!”
Plus you can model them in your favorite sexual positions and then giggle like a 12 year old about it. What? It was a good diversion from studying . . .
Gummi bears? Pepper spray? EARL CAMPBELL?
Man, I don’t even know what this shit means anymore. I feel like I should have been given an FAQ or somethin’, y’know?
SB: given
See?
I’ve had a couple of disappointingly gummi-like little fellas in my mouth before.
mojo, the reader empowers the narrative. I think. Or maybe I have it backwards… Anyway, pepper spray is properly dispensed from this, not wimpy aerosols that might as well be WD-40. You cannot be too careful with gummibears.
Regards,
Ric
Oh my, May Bee.
Spamword, “minutes,” as in for how long, dear?
Gumma, n. A kind of soft tumor, usually of syphilitic origin.
Save this bit of pedantry for your next encounter with a Gummi-eater. Say that’s what the candy is named for. Because it is.
mojo,
Just for you:
The Official Protein Wisdom Frequently Asked Questions:
1) WTF???
Answer: There are no answers. Only questions
2) WTF???
Answer: BECAUSE OF THE HYPOCRISY!
3) WTF???
Answer: The spam word is trying to tell you something …
Watch out for pocket lint.
Jeff,
Pepper spray is “passe”. A squirt gun filled with ammonia is much more effective, and entirely within the law. Get with it, man!
Oh yeah.
Maybee, I am hoping that wasn’t you!
I miss ol’ Earl. Won’t be another one like him.
SB: fire. “Come the fourth quarter, that cat would still knock the fire out of folks!”
Well, you know: they are easier to work with. And they don’t mess with the gag-reflex tripwire so much . . .
Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?
Earl Campbell? More like Bum Phillips…