“So, honey,” he spread an arm across the counter, eyelids slightly drooped, lips carved carefully into a line of studied indifference. “Whaddya think about this hat? Is it me? Or…?”
She glanced at the canvas surf hat he placed on the counter, then up at his face, before smiling and running a couple of fingers through her hair. “Sure, it looks good, yeah. Highlights your curls. Which, curls are kinda hip, you know?”
“Great, thanks, I’ll take it then, “ he said, smiling a practiced half smile. “And I’ll take your phone number, too, if that’s okayâ€Â he slid his credit card across the glass without blinking â€â€Ã¢â‚¬Å“Provided, y’know, you’re not one of those freaky chicks who insists on putting a bunch of fucking mayonnaise on EVERY FUCKING TURKEY SANDWICH!â€Â
~the end~
****
prequel
Whoa, where did that come from?
Hey, careful with those adjectives! And stop smirking.
And wipe the mayo off your chin.
Putz.
Hm. Even wordier.
Fucking turkey sandwiches. Fucking mayonnaise. Fucking fuck and, y’know, fuck and shit.
hey, homeslice, what pac-sun do you go to?
the one in the outletmall only has dude salespeople.
i jus’ got the adorablest roxy camo cap there yesterday.
– This sort of adjective heavy passage always brings up the age old parsing problem of whether the Turkeys are fucking or the Sandwitch is. But in any case, whichever way your tastes lean on that question, five will get you ten her next response would be a rejection just short of a low yield nuclear device….half smile or no half smile….
TW: “I think I’ll just be running along now he sputtered, from trembling soot covered lips….
And “fucking mayonnaise” sounds kinda like your “love batter”.
Turkey sandwiches NEED mayo, or gravy, or something. I’m just saying.
BECAUSE OF THE DRY WHITE MEAT!
Hmmm.
Jeff. That prose was so …. so… turgid. Really. We’re talking Brokeback Mountain gay goat-cowboy turgid.
Maybe gay sheep-cowboy turgid.
But definitely not gay cow-cowboy turgid.
There are standards for this shit you know.
I like Willard’s approach. You’ve gotta stick with what works for you.
I hate mayonnaise at least as much as Willard, but the guy needs to see somebody about the outbursts.
‘Cause the best hatred is the kind that simmers for years, bottled up and never expressed, until finally you just have to sneak a chainsaw onto a crowded bus.
Or, you know, just ask the waitress to hold the mayo when you order. I’m still working out which is best for me.
Bacause that’s just how Willard rolls. He doesn’t placate.
McGehee – If the density of names on your dance card is any indication maybe you need to add one of those overlarge clown masks with the pointy chins and bulbus red lips. Really punches up any chainsaw bus entry.
Canvas surf hat, eh?
Are we talking about, you know, your curls?
Or, like, Leif Garrtett’s curls?
Garrett
Garrett
Garrett
I’m ready for my audition, Mr. DeMille
Please. Even mayonnaise has feelings.
Cindy?
If in doubt about mayo, never order it on the side, because then you’ve insulted the cook. It’s like saying “Look, dickwad, I don’t trust you with my mayonnaise management.”
Something like that. ‘Cause then it’s spit city. And if you ever see cooks staring out the pass-through at you as you’re taking your first bite, you can rest assured there’s a bet in the kitchen as to whether you’ll catch on.
I’m sure Willard knows all this, he seems like a smart guy.
Willard, Willard, Willard – don’t hate the chicks, hate the mayo.
Hey Jeff,
I got a quick, non Mayo related question. Why do I keep getting adware/tracking cookies stuck on my computer every time I come to your site? Are you stalking me? Or is this just a show of solidarity with the NSA?
Either way its annoying.
BECAUSE OF THE PRIVACY!!!
You mean this Leif Garrett?
Willard?
Yep, that one.
Although, I would think, about 20 or so years ago.
Also, this one.
One of an occasional series.
Willard is well on his way to braking the all time record for self-inflicted celibacy.
I’ll hate to see it broken, but I’ve owned it long enough. It’s time to share the (lack of)love.
TW: bed
Fuck me runnin’ backwards if that’s not creepy.
In time Willard”s awkward approach will eventually work out for him. Cause, you know there are women out there that just plain like the abusive type…..
D’oh, he had up to the end. Then again, chicks often dig surlyness. It certainly would serve him better than his fomerly meek way of doing things. And, frankly, I’m in complete agreement about mayonnaise. Who the hell came up with that nasty shit? Do zitty little elves collect their puss in jars in the back of the grocery store?
If anyone has a better theory on the origin of mayonnaise, which is highly doubtful, I’d like to hear it.
Scott, have you ever ordered a sandwich in metro Atlanta? I don’t trust these idiots with my mayonnaise management.
Truth in advertising would have their menus touting mayonnaise sandwiches with optional meat.
Hmmmm.
A baloney and mayonnaise sandwich. MMmmmmm.
Then again I’m part South Korean and we eat some strange shit.
On the other hand mixing some wasabi, choppedfresh chives and a lone mint leaf into real manyonnaise makes for one kick ass buffalo wings dip. Remember to c.f. sentence #2.
Sad but true, McGehee.
Nothing like a gallon of mayo sitting on a counter for 3 hours in a hot kitchen during a summer lunch rush in Hotlanta.
I won’t eat mayo unless I make it myself.
To paraphrase the punchline of a favorite joke:
“Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no, that’s just the mayonnaise.”
No, the punchline to that joke is, “Yes, but let’s keep my personal life out of this.”
Or: “Tapioca….you must be mistaken sir…We don’t serve tapioca in here…”… (Customer reaching for the airbag)…. [rhetching for the airbag?]
In light of the subsequent comments, I’ll just let that pass without <snicker> comment.
Hotlanta? What part do of Atlanta do you live in? 1986?
Are you channeling Walter Mitty on crack?
this willard? <a href=”http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671220659/qid=1137696982/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/103-5964749-3926223?n=507846&s=books&v=glance” target=”Willard and his Bowling Trophies”>
Damn huge links… how do you hide them again?