22 Replies to “Ever been sitting at the Burger King with your Dad, when suddenly he stands up and chucks one of his onion rings at the lady in the Lycra stretch pants eating a Double Whopper w/ cheese the next booth over, screaming “God, how I DESPISE you fat women” over and over before he’s finally wrestled to the ground by a teenager in a cardboard crown?”

1. B Moe says:

   September 13, 2005 at 1:55 am

   I got worse when I stopped drinking, I really didn’t give a fuck then.

   So I started back again.

2. Slublog says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:06 am

   Damn.

   Sometimes I’d swear you have access to my family’s home video collection or something.

   Except it was a McDonald’s, and he was throwing chicken mcnuggets.

3. The Sanity Inspector says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:09 am

   It depends on how high a relief the woman’s cellulite-laden posterior is thrown, and how far up her butt crack the shorts ride, as to when I’d snap.

   Turing = working, as in Just another issue upon which I’m working.

4. Adam says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:16 am

   You’re avoiding the real QUESTION here, Jeff, which is, as the youthful companion with your father, was your RESPONSE fast enough to salvage the “horizontally challenged” person’s self-esteem?  Huh?  WHEN WILL YOU OWN UP TO YOUR HORRIBLE MISTAKES!?  THINK OF ALL THE FAT PEOPLE WHO HAD TO SUFFER IN THE TIME YOU COULD HAVE REACTED HAD YOU BEEN PREPARED!!!  WHEN WILL YOU LEARN TO LISTEN TO THE ADVICE THAT I GIVE YOU AFTER THE FACT WHILE THE EVENT IS HAPPENING?!!?!

   I demand an investigation.  A Fatty Commission.

5. Lydia says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:25 am

   Drinking rules!

   You can recall old classical tunes from Sesame Street, spend a 1/2 hr getting the right ma-na’s and bee-dee’s right, and decide it’s okee doke to hit that submit button.

   And think you’re being funny…

   /hooch

6. Sean M. says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:27 am

   I blame both the older people and the youngsters.  Because that’s just how fiercely independent I am.

7. Diana says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:34 am

   You didn’t really do that did you?  ‘Cause … you know … Satch is going to grow up with the image seared … seared into his memory!

8. Lew Clark says:

   September 13, 2005 at 2:51 am

   OK!  So I’m old!  So I’m rude to fat broads!  I don’t know how you and vonHipple found this out, but I want to know why you two didn’t just confront me to my face instead of using my favorite blog to embarrass me in front of the world.
   
   Assholes!

9. Darleen says:

   September 13, 2005 at 3:22 am

   Gawdammit, I WANT to be old enough that the next time that squirrelly dude in the wifebeater cuts into line in front of me at the supermarket checkout stand at 10 pm I have no second thoughts about reaching out and yanking on the chain attached to his nipple rings.

10. rls says:

    September 13, 2005 at 3:41 am

    Seared. Seared. Seared. Into my memory.  Hot Pink stretch pants walking up a hill at Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO.  Stuffing her face with a funnel cake, so morbidly obese that if there was a fire and someone yelled, “HAUL ASS!”, she would have had to make THREE trips.

    If I’d had an onion ring, I would have thrown it.

11. Chrees says:

    September 13, 2005 at 3:47 am

    rls, as my dad used to say, “Stretch pants usually don’t have a choice.”

    Interesting article, Jeff. But right in the midst of potty training (no, not me…my son), I don’t think the appropriateness of personal questions and situations is limited to the elderly. Although we are trying to keep it all in the house. Successfully. Most of the time.

12. me says:

    September 13, 2005 at 4:08 am

    To answer the question…no.

13. MC says:

    September 13, 2005 at 5:14 am

    I blame it on globalization. I mean once a 90 year old gramma in Japan runs slap over you to get to the train car before you do – when you get older you just think you can do whatever the hell you want. Respect for elders and all.

14. RightWingsparkle says:

    September 13, 2005 at 6:06 am

    I had a somewhat similar experience. My sweet sweet grandma and I were sitting at one of those tables at the food court in the mall and out of nowhere she leans over to the girl next to us and says in this little old lady voice, “ dear, you’re dressed like a prostitute.” And then she goes back to eating her salad.

    The stunned girl looks down at her clothes and gets up and rushes away. I’m guessing to do some shopping.

    the guy in the article might have something there.

15. McGehee says:

    September 13, 2005 at 2:49 pm

    Last time I had onion rings at BK, one of them apparently contained a few molecules of onion.

    I didn’t throw it into any fat lady’s ass crack, though. That would have been wrong.

16. Chris says:

    September 13, 2005 at 4:28 pm

    I’ve noticed that since my divorce I just can’t be bothered with other peoples’ stupidity.  My tolerance for idiocy is at a minimum.  In my case this comes from stress and a whole lot of other things that have my attention, like being a single parent.  I suspect that as you get older, your tolerance goes down as well.

17. rls says:

    September 13, 2005 at 4:58 pm

    Query?

    Is there an actual age that one reaches?  You know, like 16 to drive, 18 to vote, 21 to drink.  What is that age that one can just blurt out that thought that comes flying across the old bean?

18. ricki says:

    September 13, 2005 at 5:19 pm

    rls brings up a very good point:

    how much longer do I have to wait before it’s kosher for me to tell the IDIOT who has just got in the “10 items or less” line ahead of me that I don’t appreciate that she’s trying to sneak 20 items through, and that her syrupy smile and comment that “Don’t worry, honey, I can’t count, I’m just really in a hurry” makes me want even more to slap her?

    Or how much longer do I have to wait before I call out the parents who let their six year old girls dress like minihookers?

    Or how much longer do I have to wait before informing my students that their habit of dipping and spitting makes me want to puke?

    ‘Cause if being old means you get to tell people all the crap that’s bugging you and get away with it, I say, bring it on! I won’t even try the hair-dye-and-Botox route to pretend that I’m still 35 when I’m 60.

19. McGehee says:

    September 13, 2005 at 6:31 pm

    I won’t even try the hair-dye-and-Botox route to pretend that I’m still 35 when I’m 60.

    What this country needs, for us not-yet-elderly curmudgeons, are treatments that’ll make us look 60 when we’re 35.

20. Randy Webster says:

    September 13, 2005 at 7:44 pm

    PJ says it ought to be illegal for anyone over 30 to wear spandex.

21. rls says:

    September 13, 2005 at 8:31 pm

    PJ says it ought to be illegal for anyone over 30 to wear spandex

    I have to disagree with that.  As a mature (some would say “well aged”) male, there are some young women between the ages of 30 and 45 that I would love to see in spandex.  I may well change my mind after the fact, but I would like the opportunity to do so.  And no, I am not a dirty old man.  I just appreciate the beauty of the female form….well, most of them anyway.

22. Andrea Harris says:

    September 13, 2005 at 9:17 pm

    So that’s who that was. Well, you can bet I made that old bastard get acquainted with the fat end of my foot in his ass. I’m not uninhibited, see, I’m RUDE.

    Mmmm…. fries…

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