So I’m sitting down to lunch with a plate of chicken and a Diet Dr Pepper when, without warning, the can of soda erupts all over my t-shirt and boxer briefs.
But rather then rushing shoeless out onto the nearest overpass and screaming for FEMA (WHERE ARE YOU, MR PRESIDENT? STAINS ARE SETTING INTO MY WHITES!), I simply took off the shirt, rinsed it out with water, wrung it dry, and threw it into the hamper. Then I sat down and ate my lunch.
And that was without a 3-day warning from the National Weather Service. So, y’know, my response was even that much more impressive, if I do say so myself…
yeah, sure, but who’s doing the laundry later?
William Burroughs may be suing for royalties on that lunch.
By the way, did they kick you out of KFC after the striptease?
Now you just need to find out if Shannon Elizabeth can be convinced that Diet Dr. Pepper is an aphrodisiac.
The briefs, thankfully, could not be reached for comment.
Well, I left those on. Frankly, the carbonation feels kinda good on my junk.
Who knew?
I think the delay in responding is because you’re jewish.
And black.
Yeah Jeff,
But what is exactly the responsibility of the soda company? These are the details we really want to know.
You know just in case if it happens again, I am just saying…….
Why isn’t the TW ever gob-smacking? How I wish that were the case in this reply.
Cordially…
Who shook the can? Who stood to gain? Follow the money trail. Obviously an evil plot by capitalist pigs like Proctor & Gamble to force the masses use more detergent.
The FDA during the Clinton administration would have never allowed this to happen.
TW: Where…was Shep to show us the inhumanity?
Sad to see Jeff slip into the moral equivalency trap like this. Did he willfully fail to recognize that his Dr. Pepper eruption was an unforeseeable event without moral import, while this hurricane was scientifically linked to President Bush’s malicious failure to ratify the Kyoto Treaty?
Then again, maybe if Bush had ratified the treaty–perhaps thereby stabilizing the delicate pressure balances in the elevated Colorado bottling factories, the contents of the can wouldn’t have been so liable to erupt.
It’s still Bush’s fault:
Bush knew. Can blew.
Do I have a future as a peabrain Dem?
Call Chuck Shew-more. He’ll do more.
Gotta stop, this is sick.
Wow, it doesn’t take long for you dingers to purge one of your own for not repeating the Rovien message machine.
You still can’t distract us from the imperialist quaqmire in Iraq, our destroyed economy and the soon-to-be impeached liar-in-chief:
http://mattstover.blogspot.com/2005/09/can-crooked-fucking-politico-change.html
Those who are not blinded by Jeebus chickenhaws and the far right message machine should read avove ASAP.
Well, I can’t speak for every “dinger”, but I
purged” Andy a couple years back (which, to my credit, was about 4 months before I got my Rovien Message Decoder Ring and Walkie-Talkie set).
Speaking of which: show of hands. How many of you are “blinded by Jeebus chickenhaws and the far right message machine”?
Anyone?
Hello?
Oh.
Well, there you have it, “cain.” Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Dirty filthy rethuglican. That’s what you get for adding to the devastation of global warming with your imperialistic carbonated beverage. I bet that chicken wasn’t even free range.
Ah… you miss the point. Don’t you know that chicken farms are **just like** WW2 concentration camps?
I think I see promise for “chickenhaws”. Maybe a new sitcom, combination Hee-Haw and Monk? Got to get this to Whittle for some drafting.
TW door: yes, I’m leaving now.
If Jeff had been in a KFC on Bourbon Street on August 27th, then he would have saved all those poor black Jewish people that Bush let die. Oh the inhumanity of bad timing and poor travel planning.
Dr. Pepper goes down on Jeff.
Dunno, dude, maybe you are kinda like Andy.
Hey Salt Lick, how do you know Dr. Pepper isn’t a woman?
SEXIST “JOKES” AREN’T FUNNY!!! SOMEONE CALL DIANNE FEINSTEIN!!!
You didn’t put on another shirt?
Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
TW: corps
Jeff,
Is think you are a little late getting in on the “carbonation jollies”. Some of us, the more enlightened have been into this for some time now. Ectuelly, it is rather passe, old chap. A willing partner, a Hall’s eucalyptus drop, and voila!
tw:size How the HELL do you do that??
Cain been smokin’ some strong stuff. “Destroyed economy”? The economy that’s almost back to the highest levels it’s ever been before Clinton’s Internet bubble burst? That one?
“Soon-to-be impeached liar-in-chief”? On what grounds, exactly? “Because you personally hate him,” isn’t exactly something Congress can work with, now is it?
“Rovien message machine”? C’mon. Rove is what? Beaming messages into the brains of ‘dingers’ or something? You can’t be serious.
And your linked diatribe on Big Powerful Companies getting disaster cleanup contracts was pretty well debunked by your own commenters, who noted that these companies are far friendlier with local Dems than with Bush.
So thanks for playing, but -BZZZZ- you get a time out for peddling a mixture of lies, half-truths, and just plain tinfoil-hattery. Better luck next time.
Jeff’s Dr. Pepper = diversion from Roberts’ nomination hearings
Roberts’ nomination hearings = diversion from Ophelia
Ophelia = diversion from Katrina
Katrina = diversion from Able Danger
Able Danger = diversion from WMD in Iraq
WMD in Iraq = diversion from taking out Saddam
Taking out Saddam = diversion from terrible economy
Terrible economy = diversion from war in Afghanistan
War in Afghanistan = diversion from 9/11
9/11 = diversion from stolen 2000 election
Dear God, it’s all so perfect! Jeff’s the one who stole the 2000 election! And that means…tha’, tha’, that Jeff is really Karl Rove!
[Deep Bow] Oh, Puppetmaster…I am here to serve you.
Cardinals Nation,
I see it now! Stacking the court with Roberts & another Bush appointee, the elimination of a large bloc of Democratic Voters in the Gulf states, Rove is prepping for another close election, that when thrown into the Supreme Court, it becomes a slam dunk.
What genius!
ANDY S. RIDIN’ BAREBACK WID DA FED, YO!
KEEP IT ON DA DOWN LOW and whatnot.
A lefty rebuttle that points to one of four blogs to prove their point. That’s a first. I mean, a real shocker.
Clearly had to be global warming. The increases in the level of carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping pollutants from industry smokestacks, traffic exhaust and other sources had to make the can erupt at least 2 categories more of burst then it would of normally.
I got blinded by some cheap corn liquor and fell off the right side of a massage bed one time, does that count?
I don’t see why it’s so hard to get.
If you got injured and went to the hospital you wouldn’t expect your loved ones to be able to fix you themselves. You might not expect all of them to run over sobbing and in a panic, however you would probably expect that they would come to see how you were doing, maybe bring you some snacks or something to read in the hospital, and generally be nice and comewhat caring.
GWB “came off” like the family member who came late, with no gifts, and appeared more put out by his “duty to visit” than caring or compassionate.
Sure, the libs are playing this up, but his act offended me as an american. I was like “Can’t you even ACT like you care.” He cut his vacation short for Terri Schiavo, but NO floods and it’s like “AWWW, DO I HAVE TOO??!!!!??”.
Rove is prepping for another close election ???
Dude, there ain’t gonna be another close election for 20 years or so.
But what expletive was your “first responder?”
Jeff, living life as a metaphor.
If a family member brings me $60billion I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass how put out they acted. Or if they were a couple day’s late. Or if they didn’t have any snacks.
And I had you pegged as a thong man…
Damn, who was I supposed to oppress today?
Gotta call Karl and find out.
There was no governmental response because they were busy with the Mountain Dew emergency.
Cain posted the exact same litany at AoSHQ, even the same typos. Such a smart boy!! He’s learned how to copy and paste!
Congratulations Cardinals Nation! Your comment got an Instalanche.
uh oh. i thank cain chewed abel.
Ben  “Now you just need to find out if Shannon Elizabeth can be convinced that Diet Dr. Pepper is an aphrodisiac.”
Only if you rap her sharply behind the ear with the bottle…
And I thought we were jeebus chickenhawks and the right-wing message machine…
Friggin’ genius!
TW: “around”—this is why I keep coming around.
Did you document the event? Get a picture of yourself finishing your meal in just the briefs? You must think of posterity . . . or something.
Glenn Reynolds reads these comments?
I better start wearing pants.
I sware Cain’s got to be Puce’s cuzin or somepin
TW: how, as in how does this TW-thingie work
“Cain” has it backwards. Jeebus Chickenhaws used the far right message (message? Shirley he meant massage) machine to restore my sight. All praise Jeebus Chickenhaws! Can I get a hey-men?
TomB,
Your lack of pants is the reason Reynolds lurks over here.
You can tell the voyeuristic urges have overcome him when you smell the fetid musk of yesterday’s puppy smoothie on his breath.
Right there,the curtains… you can see his feet under the hem.
When the word gets out that PW is pants optional, maybe there will be more drop ins from Sully, as well.
****
an odd coincidence… my confirmation word for this post was “mean” mmmmmm
Message machine? I thought we were supposed to get a massage machine.
Dang hard-to-read fax!
Aw, dang it! See, this is why I need to get a right-wing message machine, so I get all of the comments before I post mine.
Anyone who drinks that swill deserves whatever punishment ensues. I wouldn’t force Chuck Schumer to drink it.
TW: pressure: I’m surprised Dr. Pepper has enough pressure to explode.
Is “cain” the same guy as below or just a troll?
—
Matthew Woodring Stover has written a bunch of novels, including the New York Times bestselling Traitor, set in the Star Wars: The New Jedi Order series. He has also written the Star Wars novel Shatterpoint, and is penning the Star Wars: Episode III novelization. His long-time fans know him for Heroes Die, The Blade of Tyshalle, Iron Dawn and Jericho Moon. Several lawyers and limpdicks know him as the controversial author of The Real Flash Gordon, but they can all fuck off.
So, I’m now officially a jeebus chickenhaw and member of the right-wing message machine?
Cool!!!!!
“Mr. Rove? May I borrow the Dirigible of Doom (c) to go and oppress poor people and liberals? I’ll have it washed.”
Word: theres. “Theres something really disturbing about this site when the word doesn’t contain the apostrophe it so obviously needs.”
Just be sure to refuel it with the special stuff made from the howls of anguish from the oppressed. And write down the mileage.
Cain, Matt Stover seems to be spending too much time on his blog and not enough time kicking field goals. Three misses on Sunday night cost his team big time.