…and maybe even has me under direct surveillance?
I don’t want to come across as paranoid, or be accused of being part of the black helicopter crowd, who we know believe that the Jews, in league with extraterrestrials, are using advanced joint Israeli/otherworldly technologies to keep the Palestinians in poverty, run the world banks, control the world media, and corner the global markets on gold, precious metals, and Avril Lavigne CDS (not to mention, artificially drive up the price of falafels: I mean, they’re made from freaking chick peas. You mean to tell me an order of ground up and fried chick peas costs $7? Bullshit!). Therefore, let me just spell out the facts and let you decide.
So. It’s dinner time last night and my wife is away on business. The youngest has been running me ragged all day, so I don’t feel like cooking. I figure I’ll order a couple pizzas for me and the boys.
What follows is a transcript of my call to BlackJack Pizza (from memory):
BJ lady: “Thank you for calling Black Jack, will this be for takeout or delivery.
Me: “pick-up, please.”
BJ lady: “Okay. Can I get your name and phone number please?”
Me: “Jeff, [xxx-xxx-xxxx]”
BJ lady: “Thank you, Jeff. How can I help you this evening?”
Me: “I’d like two medium 2 topping pizzas, the first with sausage and mushroom, the second with pineapple and ham.”
BJ lady: “Will that be all?
Me: “Yes, thanks.”
BJ lady: “Your total is $12.49. Give us about 10 minutes.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Unknown voice: “– Wait. Who puts fruit on a goddamn pizza? What are you, a queer? Listen: 86 the pineapple, honey, and throw some pepperoni on that bitch. Pineapple. For chrissakes, what the hell has happened to this country…?”
Bj lady: “So you want pepperoni and ham instead of pineapple and ham, sir?”
Me:
Me:
Me:
BJ lady: “Sir? Hello? Is that pepperoni and ham instead of pineapple and ham?”
Me: “Better do as they say, yes. Mutherfuckers have, like, neutron guns and nano-encased super aircraft that can’t even be picked up by radar and is invisible to the naked eye. Plus...look at the price of falafels…”
BJ lady: “10 minutes. You can pick it up at the counter. Thank you for calling BlackJack!”
Now you tell me. Does anything about the BlackJack pizza lady’s demeanor seem, you know, off to you?
Because I hate to be an alarmist, but she did seem a little intrusive.
Thoughts?
Only 1 Jeff. Who DOES put fruit on a goddamned pizza? Pizza is for meat and cheese and meat.
Sounds like the ‘dillo is working with the NSA.
BTW, I always order online to make it easier for them to record my pizza activity.
It’s events like this that serve to re-enforce my diffidence towards domestic spying. On the one hand, sure loss of privacy. But on the other hand, man’s got a point about fruit on a pizza.
Figure if you had gotten sun dried tomatoes and pesto on one of those, the IRS would have been executing a no-knock raid on your domicile. Which, I can see it…..
BJ lady?
At least you can be certain it was not Michelle O.
Does anything about the BlackJack pizza lady’s demeanor seem, you know, off to you?
Absolutely, but not regarding any direct intrusiveness. On the contrary, it was her failure to react with outraged indignity at the “What, are you a queer?” remark. She can only have been carefully scripted, since no right thinking American would let a freely gifted opportunity to assert their superior politically correct standing go to waste.
She can only have been carefully scripted,
And not reacting to that “, honey,”. Even 88 y.o. grandmas don’t take that shit anymore.
” Unknown voice: “– Wait. Who puts fruit on a goddamn pizza? What are you, a queer? Listen: 86 the pineapple, honey, and throw some pepperoni on that bitch. Pineapple. For chrissakes, what the hell has happened to this country…?” ”
I really must apologize. That sounds like the work of my spirit animal ” Chico Van Albus Jr.” who is an unsettling chimera of a giant planarian and a sea horse. He glows in the dark and sometimes teaches me natty ska licks as I sleep.
He’s a got a bit of an agenda where pizza toppings are concerned and he’s a prick about it. I agree with his sentiment where stamping out the Hawaiian from pizza culture is concerned but not his methods. He needs to win hearts and minds instead of jumping in and fixing people. He also favors red licorice over black licorice and claims that anisette makes him paranoid. He is known to be weak to grass type pokemon if that helps. A vine-whip or too should be super-effective in teaching him some manners.
too-> two
too-> two
Tutu? A seahorse in a tutu? Better than a skort, I guess.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with pineapple on pizza. On the downside, as a result of that phone call, Eric HOlder has decreed that Blackjack’s Pizza must change its name to something racially neutral.
A seahorse in a tutu? Better than a skort, I guess.
Or a dolphin in a peacoat. Which I’m starting to believe is just as real as the Unknown Man on Jeff’s phone call…
Pizza is for meat and cheese and meat.
You forgot the extra cheese.
Also, the extra meat.
I’m with the NSA on this one. Any sort of fruit as an entree is just wrong: morally, spiritually, philosophically and aesthetically.
Who DOES put fruit on a goddamned pizza?
True story: I’m in Colombia for only a couple months when a bunch of us missionaries (mix of American and Colombian) go to a pizzeria in downtown Cali for lunch.
Reading the menu, we Americans see “higos” and wonder what they are. Our Colombian friends tell us they’re these little black things, and we’re all “Olives? Sweet!”
So we order them.
Only to find out that higos are figs.
Which, we should have suspected something weird because also offered as toppings were peaches, cherries, and raisins.
Sounds like they did you a favor. It’s all part of the new PR plan.
Also, I went to a hot-dog stand to find that they offered some kind of potato-salad-like crap as a hot-dog topping.
THIS is what cultural corruption looks like, ma peeps.
Drone strikes all around.
Tomato is a fruit.
Blitz says August 16, 2013 at 12:34 pm
Drumwaster says August 16, 2013 at 2:17 pm
cranky-d says August 16, 2013 at 2:33 pm
Yes, yes, and yes.
Although now that my esophagus has decided to attempt to writhe out of my body from the acid burns it receives from a stomach rebelling against 20+ years of eating like a teenager past the appropriate window, I’ll allow for some onion and mushroom to replace (some of) the meat.
Bacon? No one’s mentioned Bacon? Heritics
Only behind closed doors Monomay. And have someone else order it and pick it up
this goes without saying…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazaOWrnJ5o
Di, you can get potato salad sandwiches on white bread and pizza with mayonnaise on it in Japan. Even if you don’t want it that way.
pizza with mayonnaise on it in Japan
Don’t forget the corn.
I did forget. Thanks, I think.
Now you’ve all gone and done it…I’m ordering a meat lovers, extra cheese Calzone….YOU BASTARDS!!!
Tomato is a fruit.
If tomatoes are fruits, wouldn’t that make ketchup a smoothie?
Hmmm Drum…come here for the ‘dillo, stay for the real philosophical questions.
It is said that knowledge is to know that the tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is to know not to put a tomato in a fruit salad.
Fruit salad? What is this you speak of?
If tomatoes are fruits, wouldn’t that make ketchup a smoothie?
Yes.
Corn, beans, peas, cucumbers: all fruits.
Fruit Salad: informal name given to various awards worn on one’s dress uniform.
I didn’t know about Cukes Di. Hamburg/pickle pizza is amazing!! However, it’s a gastronomic nightmare, be ready to declare anywhere you are a Superfund cleanup sight!
LOL Leigh!! I’m just NOT going to go to where my warped brain goes on that…
We have a local pizza place that does a BLT pizza: Bacon pizza topped with shredded lettuce, Roma tomatoes, mayo, and another pizza crust.
Darth? no. Just NO, and may GOD have mercy on the makers and the consumers.
Seahorse? Is that what happened to my tutu?
Dammit. That means the next time I need one I’ll have to buy a new one.
Which means getting measured again. Which is embarrassing.
Why isn’t there a one-size-fits-all tutu?
I used to think barbecue sauce and jalapeños didn’t belong on pizza. Now it’s the surest way I get at least half.
That was the reason I used to smoke menthols back in the day. Nobody tried to bum smokes from me.
Jalapenos and BBQ sauce goes good on anything, even ice cream. You’re good McFehee
I would only buy pink Bic lighters for much the same reason. When serving aboard ship in Uncle Sam’s Canoe Club, my lighters would always get stolen. Didn’t matter what kind or color, and Zippos got too expensive to replace every few days.
Except pink. Guys would borrow it to light their cigarette and immediately hand it back. If I left it sitting on the chart table, it would still be there when I got a chance for a smoke break in the sonar room.
And Salmon soft serve ice cream for desert.
Their convenience stores are a kick, too and so are the vendors at the train stations. Take out bento. Who knew?
Well, way back in the day, I used to wait tables at a little pizzeria, “Pizza By Candlelight” in Atlanta across the street from Agnes Scott Women’s College. (Those young women were sorry ass tippers and most of them were snobs.)
They had 31 toppings for pizza, one of which was Pineapple and another was Shrimp. My favorite pizza was topped with Bacon and Cheddar Cheese.
I was kinda figuring Torreabla was due his first dinger and Chen is just the man to serve it up. Oh wait, strike that, I meant Culberson — though Yorvit may get another shot at it yet.
TOMATOES are fucking fruit fer chrissakes! You can’t have an actual pizza without fruit! There’s is absolutely nothing wrong with Hawaiian pizza and if you have a problem with that you’re clearly a raaaaacist. Of course, it isn’t really a Hawaiian pizza is there’s no bacon on it so Jeff is still a sissy punk.
” Hawaiian pizza ”
i want input from the “choom gang” on this point
“There’s is absolutely nothing wrong with Hawaiian pizza and if you have a problem with that you’re clearly a raaaaacist.”
When am I not a racist though? When I’m dead. When I’m like a writing desk?
Peppers are a fruit.
Wouldn’t a Hawaiian pizza have Spam on it?
Poi.
If ordering the pineapple wasn’t proof enough that the youngest is running you ragged, Jeff, I noticed that you’ve made more typos in your posts today than I think I’ve ever seen on your site. Take care of yourself and your family, and I hope your wife gets home soon. :)
y’all sure are interested about the pizzas and the different kinds of toppings
I’m going to make a barbecue spare ribs pizza (deboned of course). I will find a way.
Okay…listen: pizza is an Italian-American food.
Therefore, it can only be real if it has on it stuff we of Italian descent approve of, like sausages, pepperoni, onions, mushrooms [preferably found in the local woods].
Anything else is just a pie.
Mrs. B. and I love to order a cheeseburger ‘pizza’ – Greek style – but we don’t think of it as a real pizza. BTW: it’s a great meat pie, with hamburger, cheeses, pickles, ketchup, onions, and lettuce.
BTW2: Canadian bacon on pizza is I-A Approved.
Crap. I love Hawaiian pizza on occasion, thin crust, no extra cheese. Because I would loathe being termed a ‘fat ass’, and most extra cheeses go right to one’s butt.