As with nearly anything in a conspicuous consumption-driven material culture, juicing has its status machines and its trendy blends. And one of the “viral” trendy blends spreading throughout the juicing community was invented by yours truly. I call it “The Bloody White Hispanic Cleanse,” and its primary health function is to improve eyesight and to smooth skin, though the touch of pepper and the kale also add rejuvenating and cleansing properties — perfect after a year’s long ordeal where you’ve been targeted by race hustlers and the modern day equivalent of a Roman Colosseum crowd, the contemporary 24-hour media jackals.
1/2 small jalapeno pepper, seeded
6 parsnips (medium)
1/2 cucumber, peeled
1/3 small sweet potato
1/4 small beetroot (beet)
2 large kale leaves
Juice but don’t stir.
The parsnips and sweet potato create a nice white and creamy, semi-sweet base whose sugary side is cut a bit by the refreshing punch of the cucumber, while the beet (a great source of betacarotine!) provides the red that will serve as the blood-like veining that streams throughout the drink’s presentation. The jalapeno offsets the sweet, cracker-ass whiteness of the base juice, giving it a little bit of that fertile, hard-working Hispanic spirit, while the kale leaves, when combined with the beets, act as a kind of subtle tanning agent, giving the juice it’s overall lightly-browned and blood-soaked hue. (To brown the juice up more, expose it to sunlight for about 15 minutes; we call this “authenticating” the mixture).
Garnish with a sprig of cilantro, or — if you’re feeling particularly devilish — a white cabbage leaf folded into a small cone that resembles Robert Byrd’s Kleagle hood.
Enjoy!
If you don’t want to shell out for an expensive juicer, you can always make your Bloody White Hispanic Cleanse by throwing the ingredients into a big mortar and beating them to a pulp. Just be careful, and wear goggles — that jalapeno may fight back!
I prefer my juice to be made from potatoes; normally in the form of Finlandia, at which one has whispered the word, “vermouth.”
Juicing, gack (see photos)
Our body politic still needs a high colonic in 2014, like it had in 1994.
I tend to go carrot, beet (roots, leaves and stems if still attached), and a bit of turmeric.
If Whole Paycheck has organic spinach that looks fairly fresh, I’ll throw a whole bundle of that in as well. Have to, because it starts to go icky within a few days.
Sometimes with a bit of apple thrown in. I have not tried parsnips, or jalapeno, but I have been known to throw in a bit of garlic or ginger for that extra zing.
I have a Champion juicer that I have owned for over 15 years. Other than needing a new front bearing (which I haven’t replaced yet but will soon) it’s never given me a problem.
Cucumber is a sometimes-thing. And when we buy a watermelon, we wind up juicing most of it, rind and all.
BTW I make a kickass almond butter from raw almonds that I buy at Costco on the cheap. Roast them on a cookie sheet at 350 for 15-20 minutes, then run them through the juicer with the masticate blank in place instead of the screen. Add a bit of salt to taste. For homemade peanut butter, I just use the roasted-and-salted Costco 2.5 lb can of peanuts; it’s salted just about perfectly, and no sugar.
That looks like something you’d force someone else to drink as part of a hazing/ritual initiation.
Either that, or to open the inner door to the spirit world.
What Ernst said.
I’ll be lying down over here taking a nap – let me know when you make something that contains some bourbon.
Hazing ritual stuff would almost of necessity involve some durian.
What Bob and Ernst said.
I’m not drinking that. The leaf looks like one of the bugs on a David Attenborough nature show.
Needs a stalk of something in there, for the irony.
The hint of green in the foam would make me throw that out if I poured it from a container. It looks like a Guinness that had horrible experiments performed on it.
And much like Shermlaw, I prefer my “juice” to be made from hops, barley and water.
We just recently bought a NutriBullet. My wife has gotten a good bit of use out of it, but I’ve only managed a couple of times. I’ve never been a vegetable kind of guy, and my system doesn’t deal well with a influx of raw, nutritious, goodness in the form of pureed swamp muck.
Hell, I thought “juicing” meant you were shootin’ up with steroids or something.
It is Tour de France time, after all.
Your teeth, saliva and stomach juices do all the juicing you need. I see no reason to empty your stmach and swallow the stuff again.
I agree with Shermlaw except for the whispering thought. I see no reason to adulterate Sveka (I’m Swedish) or Finlandia (for those less fortunate by birth).
If you really want to enhance the oak and smoke accents from the 3+ years your bourbon spent inside a charred white-oak barrel, use (sparingly) vanilla coke as a mixer.
Discovered by accident when I ran out of regular coke one time.
Whereas the best mixer for cheap Scotch is cheap Scotch.
there are many juicings what take rum very readily, even the cheap rum, though you might need more apple juice or what have you to sweeten up the cheap stuff
have a cup of hickenlooper
Successes in Colorado Sheriffs’ Second Amendment case
Uh oh. I fucked up. I garnished it with a 14″ meatzilla stuffed pizza. Had no room for the drink after the garnish. Hell, I didn’t even finish the garnish. Gonna have garnish leftovers tomorrow.
Needs bacon.
(But then again, doesn’t everything?)
Pour it on your houseplants and see how they like it, palaeo or see if your dog will come near it. Just to be safe.
Sorry, Ernst: no go. I drinks my bourbon like the Samuels Family intended me to.
http://www.makersmark.com/age-verification
Life is too short to drink cheap scotch, isn’t it?
How are supposed to drink Maker’s Mark? Neat or over ice?
More of a Tennessee whisk(e)y than either a scotch or a bourbon drinker these days. I stick to Jim Beam, Black or Devil’s Cut, because those two I know I like.
Now, if you’re buying, I’ll be happy to try almost any bourbon once.
It’s a damn sight too short to make enough money to buy expensive Scotch you don’t dare drink but on special occasions.
No true Scotsman drinks high-priced uisge.
…unless some Sassenach is buying…
It must be good for you. It looks like shit.
Don’t worry eCurmudgeon the garnish had bacon on it. Both kinds, Canadian, and regular.
Saxon’s won’t buy you a scotch. They’s meade, beer, ale, and cider drinkers. Bow howdy! Why fry something when ye can boil it and serve it with mash?
That should have been “Saxon’s na buy”, or” Saxons won’t”. Saxon’s is the possessive and also nearly useless because Saxons tend to borrow things instead of own them.