Thomas: “A corned beef sandwich and a side of cole slaw, please. And no mustard. If I find even a drib of mustard on my sandwich, so help me, I’ll kill myself.”
counter girl: “You’ll kill yourself…?
Thomas: “Off the record? Yes—with a rusty coat hanger jammed repeatedly through my eardrum. For the record, though, I am quite neutral about mustard—and nobody’d better accuse Helen Thomas of harboring an unprofessional grudge toward that shitty, disgusting, evil yellow condiment whose repeated lies to the American people mark it as a sneaky, spicy, sinister Dick Nixon devotee.”*
Ripping off my old material again, eh Goldstein?
What kind of mutant eats a corned beef sandwich without any mustard?
Well, we are talking about Helen Thomas here…
I actually like corned beef without mustard, and cole slaw on the sandwich.
What kind of a liberal freak does that make me?
…and to answer the question I know you’re just dying to ask – YES! I have always been this ugly.
I was never a fan of corned beef sandwiches, so the following brain fart doesn’t phase me. However, for you corned beef fans, I suggest skipping down.
—-
Helen Thomas’ face somewhat resembles a pound or so of shredded corned beef. It’s got that browned, aged look of something that’s been roasted and preserved in a salty brine, but still hasn’t lost it’s leathery texture or chewy consistency. Almost like you could gnaw on it for a few minutes; like jerky or maybe a worn catcher’s mitt. It might even smell the same too.
But, in fact, Nixon was a devotee of ketchup.
And Fresca.
Shank,
That might be the most disturbing thing I have ever read.
I’ll never look at my catcher’s mitt the same way ever again. Shudder….
His high exaltedness, the Great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.
Nixon always struck me as the kind of guy who’d like Fresca. And dislike Animaniacs.
And I heard she had the unbelievable gall to ask for Swiss Cheese on that sandwich. Even we damned papists know you never put swiss cheese on a corned beef sandwich.
It’s a deathwish, I tell you. A deathwish.