Last night, a bit tipsy on Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey, I’ll admit, I was subjected to (but nevertheless was able to rebuff) a sudden and violent attempt to hate fuck myself. Unfortunately, the rebuff made me quite angry, and outraged, I then forced myself on myself in a fit of pique — this was violence, not sex, let me remind you — managing to feel myself up a bit, all the time shouting nasty, very personal and very violent epithets: I was evidently going to “teabag” myself until I “turned into a good little progressive bitch,” I snarled at me.
All of this had me terribly rattled. And quite frightened. Fortunately, before I was able to complete the act of patriarchal domination over myself, I was somehow able to gather my strength and my wits (I briefly considered peeing on myself or faking my period, but as wound up as a I was, I reasoned that that wouldn’t likely stop me) and push myself away from me, reaching the bathroom Safe Zone and locking myself in before blowing my rape whistle. This spooked me, and I finally left myself alone.
Now. Most people who undergo such humiliation would, in our rape-enabling culture of snarling cartoon Huskies and Stone Cold Steve Austin movies, endeavor to put such an incident behind them, suffering alone in cultural silence, and not come forward to share their story. But I’m not most people. I am a self-hate fuck survivor and a survivor of attempted sexual domination. Of rape.
— Which is why not only am I sharing my horrifying tale with you, dear readers, but also with the University of Wyoming administration and those members of its faculty who I feel will best understand and are best able to process my trauma. (And, who, rumor has it, will prop me up when all the haters emerge to diminish the horrors that were visited on me. By me.)
And if they want to give me a speaker’s gig, or hire me to teach a few classes on the struggle against sexual predation in a world of such stark political divisions — which not only enable such horrors but in many ways demand them (after all, what else could Sarah Palin mean by putting targets on political rivals if not “here are your marching orders, culture warriors: go rape these anti-American commie spunkbags, and if that doesn’t work for you, at least shoot them in their stupid fucking heads”) — hey, I can be had.
For the right price, naturally.
Because, you see, it isn’t rape if I give it out for free, no matter what the feminists might tell you. Although I can’t say for certain that global climate change doesn’t play a key role in my thinking.
Were you after yourself because you came out at the beginning of the week?
So is that little mess there on your injure psyche a scar or a tattoo?
d
I don’t know if anyone, including this silly bint, has ever been that angry. It’s pretty clear (and her husband stands as confirmation) that you’d really have to hate yourself to hit that.
UW needs to make sure they get the rapee-you for the speaking gig, not the raper-you. How embarassing that would be.
her husband
Gives off a touch of the youthful Anders Breivik vibe in that pic. Little wonder.
I learned about The Dew around here many years ago. That is my go to brand unless I’m doing single malt.
It hasn’t lead to me trying to hate-fuck myself. Yet.
So, ah, how were you? Say on a scale of A-F? Oh wait…
You can’t know the relief I feel reading that, unless you do know the relief I feel reading that. After all these years and following all that hate, I feel like I too can finally come out.
My name is JHo and I’m a progressive.
Five years from now, it’ll just be settled science that Huskies are “rapey.”
Nice to see Jeff and Protein Wisdom returning to their sardonic roots.. Well said, Sir.
you just don’t know who to believe
Imagine how bad things might have turned out if you’d been drinking mescal and dropping acid with the armadillo. You two might have decided to run a train on that cartoon huskey, just to teach him what it was like to live in fear of rapey x-ray eyes.
Did you get your Colorado ballot mailed to you yet?
You need to organize a naked protest march around the living room
—so you can take back the night from you.
I don’t like to be critical, but I’m not sure that anyone rational could actually parody this chick.
Here is just a choice sampling of her comments while she was still wallowing in victimhood.
This part is just too good to trim:
This woman is a cartoon character. She allowed herself to become so outraged at the dialogue of imagined enemies that she wrote herself, that she outed herself in the comments of a news story where she had chosen to remain anonymous. Had she not done that, she likely never would have been caught, and we would never have been treated to a real life Daffy Duck telling Elmer to “Shoot me now!” simply because it was the opposite position to the last one spoken in the argument.
If this woman’s screwed-up life was a silly walk, John Cleese couldn’t parody it…
I wanna see the police report.
I mean, how can we tell that your rape-attempting self was not driven to this rapey behavior because your rape-survivor self had falsely accused yourself of self-rape? In that hatingly hatey manner that you right-wing haters hate with.
Too recursive?
And were you dressed like a slut at the time?
Ernst Schreiber says May 3, 2013 at 10:40 am
You need to organize a naked protest march
Won’t that kind of provocative behavior just drive him to want to rape more?
I want to be able to marry myself. Big discounts for me, and if you don’t like it you are a nazi or something.
Sorry TW, you beat me to the punch.
I want to have sex with robots. They are more efficient. I want to marry robots. I thought society was finally moving forward. Why can’t my HaremNET of 23 Pu55yTron 6800 DX’s and I be together?
BECAUSE OF YOUR IGNORANCE AND HATE! THAT’S WHY! BIGOTS!
Onan was a piker.
You’re a man after my own hard-on, Jack.
“This is the worst episode of ‘Law & Order’ you can imagine,” Kandt said.
She added, “I mean, my God, who would do this to herself?”
Actually, there WAS an episode of L&O about a woman so crazy that she killed herself as part of an elaborate scheme to frame a guy, whom she was certain had killed her sister.
The guy kept telling the cops that she set him up, but the “evidence” kept pouring in—DNA, sperm, blood. Every explanation he offered as to how she could have done that herself was utterly absurd, and yet it turned out to be true.
Making it the best episode of Law & Order.
I am a self-hate fuck survivor
These words seem to just pulse on the screen for me. How did our society get to the point where such a concept even exists, let alone become the reason for the 15 minutes of stupid fame this woman is getting?
On the other hand, well played, Jeff. I hope you took a long hot shower afterwards, followed by a cold shower. Or maybe you should have taken the cold shower first?
Take them at the same time, SH.
And again reality proves it can out-parody parody.
“Obama Blames U.S. For Gun Violence In Mexico”
Jeff, if you’re going to get that speaking gig, you’ll need to learn to put “Trigger-Warnings” in the tags of posts like this. You don’t want other self-hate fuck survivors to read though these sorts of things if they’re not yet able to face it.
And that huskey-rape-eyes story always reminds me of the Penny-arcade “Dickwolves” incident. Especially the dickwolves sports team t-shirt.
The Culver City Crack Ho
How many self-hate-fucks go unreported, I wonders?
Maybe you should have just let you have your way with yourself — it might turn out to be true love, just like Luke & Laura.
[…] The epic saga of Meg Lanker-Simons continues to yield rich and varied opportunities for the deployment of vicious satire: […]
Who is up for a rally so we can change the culture of self-hate-rape around here? Power fists!
re: Mexico guns,
I am starting to not like this Obama guy.
Who is up for a rally so we can change the culture of self-hate-rape around here? Power fists!
Eliminationist!
*
*
*
Oh wait. You meant maybe, enhance it?
OK, for you, my friend, a compassionate head-tilt will suffice.
-So what’s Bumblefucks solution to the gun-running thing, have his AG placed under DoJ house arrest?
“I hope you took a long hot shower afterwards, followed by a cold shower. ”
Bad idea. That can destroy the DNA evidence.
I gave myself a hate handy once but it just wasn’t the same.
[…] The epic saga of Meg Lanker-Simons continues to yield rich and varied opportunities for the deployment of vicious satire: […]
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[…] The epic saga of Meg Lanker-Simons continues to yield rich and varied opportunities for the deployment of vicious satire: […]
I think we should be telling Jeff not to hatef** Jeffs, and teach Jeff to believe Jeff’s when they come forward.
mondamay, like Daffy at the end of season 2 of the OC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLW963ewcq8
Jeff, you haven’t answered the most urgent question in all of this:
Because if there wasn’t panzer-rat involvement that would be suspicious. Especially if Tully was part of the mix.
If you think it hurts now, wait until the system is finished with you.