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“‘God particle’ discovered, physicists say”

Called the Higgs boson, the particle was predicted in the 60s by Peter Higgs to help explain what gives matter and electrons their size and shape.

Upon learning of the discovery, an understandably crestfallen Obama quietly ordered the IRS to “audit that fucking thing until it feels so violated that it goes the hell back to where it came from.”

33 Replies to ““‘God particle’ discovered, physicists say””

  1. I think he’ll claim “Barack Obama” is Kenyan for “Higgs Boson.”

  2. Swen says:

    No. No, I’m pretty sure that “Barack Obama” is Kenyan for “bend over, here it comes again!”

  3. happyfeet says:

    how nice for Mr. Higgs

    he’s still alive the internet says

  4. sdferr says:

    Physicists disappear in a cloud of particles, exultant on such a fine result.

  5. newrouter says:

    does higgs know where allan stashed the virgins?

  6. serr8d says:

    Slightly OT, a “Lil’ Johnny learns of words and meanings from Barky” joke thinger making the popular email rounds…

    Lil’ Johnny Meets Barack

    Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

    One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.”

    A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

    “I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we would call great loss.”

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

    Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

    “Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

    “Well,’ says Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet it probably wasn’t an accident either.”

  7. happyfeet says:

    speaking of tragic National Soros Radio scoured the tundra and found the dumbest eskimo ever

  8. LBascom says:

    They need to tell the stupid eskimo to sue that red ball in the sky.

  9. SBP says:

    Anyone who can look at a satellite map knows that the rivers in that area have changed course repeatedly over the millennia, as rivers in delta regions are widely known to do.

    Don’t take my word for it. Go to Google Maps, enter Kipnuk, Alaska, and switch to satellite view. Look at that meander plain. It’s like a friggin’ cold Louisiana out there.

  10. beemoe says:

    Nelson probably just wants to win enough to move somewhere fucking warmer.

  11. happyfeet says:

    now I googled i feel like I need to go to this alaska

    in spring

    even in spring you can’t drive to where this eskimo half-wit lives though

  12. happyfeet says:

    it looks like it’s lousy with bears though

  13. sdferr says:

    “. . . with help from the organization Our Children’s Trust.”

    Ha! That’s a good one.

  14. SBP says:

    Your old school Eskimo knew that the river moved, and that he’d occasionally need to pack up his stuff and move with it.

    That’s harder to do when you’re living in a gummint-built frame house, though.

  15. happyfeet says:

    one day even the mississippi might will shake off its shackles

    that’d be one of those moments where you take your cap off and look serious as serious can be

  16. sdferr says:

    “We must be a good influence on . . . chill – dren.”

  17. SBP says:

    The mosquitos are going to be godawful out there. I would select a trip to the more mountainy, less swampy parts of Alaska if I were you.

  18. leigh says:

    Happy, you best go to Anchorage. It’s civilized there, not too many moose on the road and it’s warmer than anywhere else in the state. Summer lasts about 8 weeks—a real winter and the fourth of July—. My step-daughters both live up there and they love it but they’ve been up there for 30 years and don’t know any better.

    McGehee used to live in Alaska and cranky has family there. They might weigh in on where to go and what to see.

  19. happyfeet says:

    i just wanna go once but when i have time to wander

    i won’t have time for many many moons

    to do it right

    you know in the land of europe and in the united kingdom they have this idea, this concept – they call them “city breaks”

    where you go to a different city for 3-5 days or whatever – usually getting an airfare/hotel package

    yeah I know we have the same getaway idea here but I like the “city break” idea cause it’s freighted with the idea you should pick a city where you never been and it doesn’t have to cost a fortune

    I think I’m a be content with that for awhile starting next year

    maybe do Savannah like that and Birmingham and maybe Jacksonville and Memphis

  20. newrouter says:

    like detroit or camden

  21. happyfeet says:

    i’m in more of a southern place right now

    but i like smokestacks

  22. smmtheory says:

    i reckon they have about milked as much public funding out of that figment of imagination. soon it will be another figment that deserves ever more public funding for years and years of building bigger and bigger Rube Goldberg contraptions in order to prove the next figment exists.

  23. eCurmudgeon says:

    “We don’t want no particle that nobody sent.”

  24. bour3 says:

    I want to go up there too and catch a salmon and chop it up to pieces and put the pieces in freezer bags and ship them home separately. Macabre, I know, but it’s what I want to do. And now my friends are telling me they like to take the inland cruise when they switch out the ships at the end of the season, or something, I don’t know the details for certain, but they’ve done it a few times and report that the whole thing is just swell.

    Does that sound like a good plan?

  25. serr8d says:

    Language and intent, in the Higgscussion

    Somehow the vocabulary has changed. While formerly the key term always was “the Higgs boson” all of a sudden they now use “kinds of Higgs bosons”. This change in language is suspicious because it is unexplained.

    Actually it’s explained here, because the director of CERN himself isn’t sure about actual identity of Higgs boson (despite he is saying the opposite here). So that this article is merely a political proclamation for massmedia and dumb laymans, who aren’t supposed to doubt the mainstream science. It just points to the hypocritical character of the CERN officials.

  26. Happy, you best go to Anchorage.

    I’m pretty sure he said he wants to go to Alaska.

    Folks in Fairbanks say of Anchorage, “Great place! You can even see Alaska from there.” People in Anchorage have unkind things to say about Fairbanks but nobody listens to them anyway.

  27. leigh says:

    Believe me, McGehee, I have some relatives in Fairbanks who say just that. My dad was stationed in Nome and on the Aleutian Islands during the Korean war. He says he’s already seen Hell freeze over and he’s never going back.

  28. guinspen says:

    Sod off, swampfoot.

  29. Squid says:

    I think it’s simply wonderful that Peter Higgs is alive to see the confirmed existence of a particle I have to imagine he assumed he’d never live to see.

  30. SDN says:

    leigh, that’s only for certain values of civilized. Working a project at Elmendorf a few years ago listening to a major talk about how he opened the inside door to his enclosed front porch one blizzardy day and found this breathing wall of fur where a brown bear had mistaken it for a cave to hibernate in….

  31. leigh says:

    Heh. Hubs lived in Eagle River before I met him and had a moose and her calves on his deck one morning peering through the sliding glass doors. And another time he had a brown bear in the yard.

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