“Jimmy bought a handful of shallots which, having first crushed them with the heavy wooden sole of a Dutch clog he’d salvaged from an Amsterdam cathouse, he cut into pulpy lines and snorted through the hollowed-out wren femur he kept on his person for just such an occasion.”
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Recent Comments
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I wrote that sentence back in 1987.
Sure. But you spelled it “Jimmie.”
Wrong. I distinctly remember that line in a short story written in 1879 by R.W. Felkin entitled ”Jimmy the Syphilitic Shallot Snorter and his Adventures in Nederland ”… It was a adventure series aimed at young boys. Sort of a proto Tom Swift series.
Sooooo does that work? Cause now that I can’t smoke pot to relieve the pain in the ass caused by my job I’ve been looking for more legal methods.
Cat, it’s right up there with smoking dried banana peels. Dig it before The Squares catch on…
Not to put too fine a point on it, but the sentence won’t appear in print until and if I decide to print it out in hard copy. Technically it now appears in pixelated form with typographic signifiers. Or something.
Looks like I’ve been PUNK’D!
But why is “Wren” capitalized? Is he snorting shallots throught the disinterred thighbone of Britain’s greatest architect?
I capitalized it just in case the sentence had once been written somewhere correctly. But you know what?—I don’t need that crutch.
So I’ve fixed it, thanks, and let the chips fall where they may.
I want to hear more about the clog. The words “clog”, “salvaged” and “cathouse” are familier. But I know it isn’t mine as I lost mine in a Bangkok cathouse, not Amsterdam. Did Jimmy’s salvaging involve a chin-up bar, a small dog, and a pair of argyle socks?
Great minds think alike, it seems. George Carlin did this same gag in one of his books, Brain Droppings I think.
Turing = greater, as in But who’s the greater wit, no one can say.
Never read it. But I doubt he introduced shallot snorting into the mix either way.
Easyrider scene left on the cutting room floor
Hitchiker: Wyatt… Here.. take this..
Its a hollowed out wren femur.
Wyatt: Whats it for ?
Hitchiker: When the time is right, crush some shallots with your boot and quarter them. Snort them through the wren bone.
Wyatt: Right… I dig it.
Billy: Dude if we’re going to Mardi Gras lets take off.
Ext. Wyatt and Billy leaving on choppers.
(Soundtrack over: ‘Wasnt Born To Follow’
That wasnt Jake Kerouac.. That was Alpha Baboon pretending to be Jake Kerouac. Psych.
Yeah, Google’s got nothing for that sentence.
Here’s another:
“Hey dude, maybe it’s just the peyote talking, but don’t Helen Thomas got it going on today?”
Goldstein, I gotta hand it to you, that’s some pretty clever shit for an eighth-grade girl. Keep it up.
Will do. And unlike you I don’t even need to watch a couple of men chewing on each others’ nipples to do so.
I don’t even need to watch a couple of men sucking on each others’ nipples to do so.
There’s another one, right there.
So what do you suppose the most commonly used sentence would be?
I’ve got money on “Just pay her and let’s go!”, but that’s just me.
Hey, I liked the Wren idea. Where’s he buried?
Spambuster: done
And I’m spent…
So what do you suppose the most commonly used sentence would be?
My money’s on “Read the whole thing.”
Heh.
I don’t know where Wren is, but Jeremy Bentham probably isn’t using his femur.
That’s not very utilitarian of him. Put that femur to work!
When this sentence is parsed, the diagram is quite moving. The accompanying note is telling, though: “The rules could not construct a complete tree.”
AS A CITIZEN JOURNALIST I REFUSE TO BE REDUCED TO GRAMMATICAL NOTATIONS!
Grammatical what?
My head hurts. Can I go now?
Interesting. Because you dangle a participle:
having first crushed them with the heavy wooden sole of a Dutch clog he’d salvaged from an Amsterdam cathouse
but then you pick it up again in the final phrase of the sentence.
What would that be?–a participle in suspended animation?
However, this is all presumably due to your weakness for colloquialisms.
It’s a complicated sentence but there’s nothing wrong with it. The missing “his” is understood easily enough, I think. Jimmy bought shallots which, [his] having first crushed them […], he snorted […]. I simply liked the cadence better without the obligatory pronoun.
Strunk and White aren’t going to muddy THIS guy’s bulb-wrought lyricism…
Uh. I, uh, I mean the sentences AND all the quips afterward, they don’t, uh. I guess what I mean is, um. Uh. You know?
That participial phrase doesn’t dangle. It immediately precedes the “he” that it modifies.
Ultraloser, that website is great. Thanks for the link.
The problem is that the program read “clog” as a verb and everything that followed as an imperative–a command to clog something.
Gail, the thanks really should go to the Citizen Journalist, who clogged up such a parsable sentence.
Aren’t wren femurs already hollow?
SW=Question
dangle this
Jeezo-Beezo, Jeff, looks like you’ve been dropping the same dosage of “Purple Microdot” LSD as I have! Or is the Twinkies-and-tequila diet you’re on that’s affecting your creativity for the better?
Did you get it to work, Gail? I just got the message about there being no tree.
mat—I almost went blind from tequila once. Now it’s Viagra. The times, they are a cha-angin…
Jeff, Just click on “Expand Tree” and you’ll get it.
Take THAT Laurence! A true Goldstein original, you catfucking, SPAM-grilling, fifth-grade-level-writing bastard.
Ptui.
Gail – Jeff said he’s doing Viagra, so he’s probably familiar with expanded trees. . .
Woodn’t you know.
matâ€â€I almost went blind from tequila once. Now it’s Viagra. The times, they are a cha-angin…
Hmm…is giving Viagra to a horndog like Jeff the same as giving speed to a hyperactive child? The reverse effect?
I wonder.