One chicken was dead. Its head was oddly twisted, stuck between the rusty wires of a knee-high fence. Its eyes, such as they were, fixed on nothing. The other chickens pranced by it occasionally, but they had long ago forgotten about the dead chicken. They were still very much alive.
Normally, Jimmy would drive his full-size Dodge Ram at breakneck speed along Route 70, but today he had to drive deliberately, guiding his truck with great care between the cars parked on both sides of the street between mileposts 12 and 13. “Wish I had me one of them little foreign jobs,” he muttered, flicking a half-smoked cigarette out of his window and into the open window of a parked ‘94 Cadillac.
The air was heavy and warm, but an occasional breeze lifted the smells of hot dogs and barbecued chicken through the air of Talbot county.
Aunt Millie squeezed her Lincoln between the mailbox and a red Buick. She sighed as she shifted the big Lincoln into park. “Wish I had me one of them little Japanese cars,” she said, unaware that the cat, “Fireball,” was pinned beneath her left rear tire.
The house is big, pushed back about twenty yards off the road by large crab-apple trees. Old Mr. Whistle bought it in 1949, after the War. “I’ve had just about enough of folks,” he’d told his wife. When his wife died of lupus five years later, Old Mr. Whistle lived comfortably with his two boys until his oldest boy graduated high school. On graduation day, he gave the boy a wrinkled manila envelope containing the deed to the house and the property, and then hung himself naked from a support beam in the basement. The boy, Elvinâ€â€now a fifty-three year old manâ€â€lives here with his wife, the second Mrs. Whistle. The first Mrs. Whistle, Chloe, ran off with Houston Hobbs, a professional stock car driver, just after the Vietnam War.
“I hear tellin’ he might go into politics,” Louise informed Delilah. Delilah was rummaging through her purse for some lipstick. She frowned. “Awful lot of coloreds in Washington,” she said.
The welcome mat is blue, embroidered with five gray and white ducks. A placard beside the door says, “The Whistles.” The placard shows two ducks in a lewd position. Nobody ever mentioned as much to the Whistles.
Sounds poured from the fenced-in yard behind the house. A little girl and two little boys were shooting baskets on a cracked concrete and gravel slab. “Foul!” one of the little boys screamed. “Go fuck a duck,” the other little boy told him. The little girl twirled around and around until she fell on the gravel and skinned her knee. “I told you not to spin,” the first little boy said flatly. The girl looked up at him, bewildered, and tried to fight back her tears. “I can’t help it,” she said.
The sky was blue and clear like the water in a fancy toilet. The leaves of the big trees seemed to droop with the heat, but then the leaves here always seemed to droop.
“He’s gotten so big!” Aunt Lula said, spooning some potato salad onto her paper plate. Aunt Fran grabbed a fistful of mixed nuts. “He sure has,” she said. “I got him his very own expensive pen. Heavy as a work boot.” Aunt Lula stopped spooning. “Gold or silver?” she asked, keeping her eyes fixed on her plate. “Silver,” Aunt Fran told her, “and shiny, like a new toaster.” Aunt Lula spooned some tomato and cucumber salad onto her plate. “Oh,” she said. “Nice.”
The Whistles had set up three picnic tables in the back yard, along with thirty or so lawn chairs. A badminton set poked out of the lawn, its poles bent and facing inward—the net itself buckled and drooping in the middle like leaves.
Suzy Molbrick grabbed Roy Spangler by the arm and pulled him toward the barbecued chicken platter. “Where in the hell have you been?” she asked him. Roy shuffled his feet and jammed his hands into his pockets. “I was just, uh, well . . . you know, darlin’‗ “Shut up. You just shut the hell up!” Suzy said, and stormed off toward the beverages.
The second Mrs. Whistle stood by Darby’s side and smiled famously. Cameras clicked and clicked. “You must be so proud!” Miss Irving shouted. “Oh I am, I am,” the second Mrs. Whistle beamed. “Can I go inside now, Momma,” Darby whispered. The second Mrs. Whistle grabbed his hand and squeezed his fingers as tight as she could. “It’s your party, Darby. Greet your guests.” “Yes, Momma,” he said.
“T’aint no big deal,” Eddie-Joe told the three boys standing in front of him. “A college education don’t mean shit nowadays.” One of the three boys scratched his head. “Suzy told me he’s gonna run for congress someday,” he said. Eddie-Joe scoffed. “He can run,” he said, flashing a crooked grin, “but he can’t hide.” Another boy scratched his head. “Huh?” that boy said.
“I got Darby a leather-bound copy of Treasure Island,” Annie Pritchard said. “I wrote a nice little inscription in it, wishing him luck on his future and all. Wrote it in calligraphy.” Sandy Jenkins smiled. “That’s so nice!” she said. But what she was thinking was this: I wonder how long my hair can stay up in this heat?
“Howdy, Darby,” Eddie-Joe said, pumping Darby’s hand. “Congratulations.” He spat a glob of tobacco juice on the lawn and stood nodding his head. “So . . . “ he asked after a moment, “now what are you gonna do…?” Darby looked him over blankly. Then, “I think I’m going to go inside,” he said.
Mr. Whistle counted the number of gifts on the table. Twenty-one. He looked around the yard and counted up the people. “Goddamn’ freeloaders,” he muttered.
”Mom-ma,” Jane whined. The second Mrs. Whistle was talking to Mr. Bobkins, who owned the second biggest Cadillac dealership in the state. The conversation was going splendidly. She wasn’t at all happy at the interruption. “Not now, young lady,” she said firmly. “But Momma,” Jane persisted, “I can’t find Fireball nowheres.” “I said not now,” the second Mrs. Whistle hissed, smiling all the while at Mr. Bobkins.
The day swept on. Streaks of purple and pink stretched across the sky like gaudy shoe strings. Elvin grilled more hot dogs and the second Mrs. Whistle stood beside him, frowning. “His own party and he disappears,” she said, turning her eyes on her husband’s back. Elvin Whistle didn’t look up. ”His party. It’s his goddamn’ party,” he said, poking at one of the hotdogs. “If he don’t want to mingle he don’t have to. Now shut up and get me some more buns.”
“I just saw him a little while ago, but I think he went inside,” Delilah said. She was putting on more lipstick. Louise looked around, squinting and shaking her head. Then she looked back at Delilah. “Hey,” she said. “How much of that stuff you gonna put on, anyway?”
Uncle Frank hit the birdie just long. “Out,” Uncle Leroy said. Uncle Frank threw his racquet into the net and stomped off. “Next!” Uncle Leroy shouted.
“He’s not the first one from these parts what’s graduated,” Eddie-Joe was saying. “Stu Levin graduated six or seven years ago.” “Yeah,” Jimmy said. “But he’s a Jew.” Eddie-Joe spat a glob of tobacco juice into the hedges and scratched his head. “Good point,” he said.
“He’s got his whole life ahead of him,” the second Mrs. Whistle informed Aunt Millie. “There’s plenty of time yet for getting married. That’s what I told him, too. That girl weren’t nothing but trouble anyway, if you ask me. Knew it the first time I laid eyes on her.” Aunt Millie nodded and popped a cashew into her mouth. “Did he take it well?” she asked. The second Mrs. Whistle frowned. “Hard to say,” she said. “Most days he just sits in his room and writes poetry.”
“I met his fiancée once,” Louise told Suzy Molbrick. ”Ex-fiancée,” Delilah corrected her. Louise frowned but continued on. “Sure, she was pretty alright, but she was definitely a strange little thing. Had legs like a couple of fence posts.” “I hear he took it pretty hard,” Suzy said. “He’ll get over it,” Delilah shrugged. “And besides, she was Italian. Not like she was real Christian folk.”
Jane stood in the road yelling “Fireball! Fireball!” Fireball lay stiff, his eyes dull and vacant. A large, green Lincoln sprung from his back like some hellish metallic wart.
Darby sat in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and banged his head repeatedly on the porcelain sink. Every once and a while he would stop to take a swig of Maker’s Mark whiskey right from the bottle. Then he would go on banging his head against the porcelain sink.
“I don’t know where the hell he is, damnit,” Mr. Whistle told the second Mrs. Whistle. “I reckon he’ll open the damned presents when he’s good and ready to open the damned presents.” The second Mrs. Whistle glared at him. “You’d better flip those burgers,” she said.
“Hell, he might be governor one day,” Delilah said, spreading more lipstick across her swelling lips. “Maybe even president.” Eddie-Joe spat. “Or maybe an aluminum siding salesman,” he said dryly.
“Next!” Uncle Leroy shouted.
The faucet continued to runâ€â€steam covering the bathroom mirror and otherwise hanging in the air like a swarm of heavy bees. Darby’s nose was bloody. His left eye had started to swell. “Angie,” he whispered.
“This is some of the best dern barbecued chicken I think I ever had,” Uncle Frank said. He put another dripping thigh on his plate. “Plenty more where that came from,” Mr. Whistle said. He tossed a few more pieces on the grill. Goddamned freeloaders, he thought.
“All’s I was doin’ was talkin‘ with her, Sugarsnacks,” Roy said. Suzy Molbrick looked him over and sneered. “Zip up your damn fly, Roy,” she said.
“He’s probably just inside freshening up,” the second Mrs. Whistle said. “He’s had an exhausting last couple of weeks.” Miss Irving smiled. “Such a handsome boy,” she said. Aunt Lula stuffed a hunk of buttered roll into her mouth. “I still can’t get over how big he’s gotten,” she said between chews.
“She dumped him,” Eddie-Joe was telling two boys standing in front of him. “Told him it wouldn’t work out.” One of the boys scratched his head. “On account of him comin’ back here and all?” he asked. Eddie-Joe smiled. “No. On account of her meetin’ somebody else.”
Darby stood in front of the mirror and wrote a poem in the steam. The poem read: “Why now, Angie/Just when things got good/Our days were filled with sunshiny skies/But now those skies are cloudy.” He examined the poem for a moment, then rubbed it away with his sleeve. All that was left was “cloudy.”
The second Mrs. Whistle looked around happily. “Havin’ a good time, girls?” she asked Delilah and Louise. “Yes, Mrs. Whistle,” they assured her. “Good,” the second Mrs. Whistle said. “Darby’ll be opening his presents soon. Y’all know how he loves presents. By the way, have you tried the beans?”
“Next!” Uncle Leroy shouted.
The little girl sat on the gravel and watched the two boys intently. The boys were spinning around and around as fast as they could. One of the little boys stumbled and, after making a few desperate grabs at the air, fell forward and scraped both his elbows. “See?” the little girl asked.
The second Mrs. Whistle tugged at the back of Mr. Whistle’s apron. “I’m gonna go find him,” she whispered. Mr. Whistle didn’t look up. “You do that,” he said. “And while you’re in there, wipe that mustard off your face. You look sickly.”
“She left him for a woman,” Eddie-Joe announced triumphantly. The two boys standing in front of him scratched their heads. “Gawd,” they said, almost simultaneously. Eddie-Joe looked around dreamily. “Yup,” he said. “Gives me a hardon just thinking about it.”
The sun began to sink into the nearby hills, draping long shadows across the lawn. Some of the shadows were sharp, but most weren’t.
“Fireball! Fireball!” Jane screamed. She hadn’t cried for half an hour.
The second Mrs. Whistle crept back down the porch steps. I’ll just have to open the presents for him, she thought. “What do you mean you couldn’t find him?” Mr. Whistle askedâ€â€louder, perhaps, than he should have. The second Mrs. Whistle looked around anxiously. “Keep it down,” she whispered. “Is the mustard gone?”
“Angie, I think her name was,” Louise said. “Yup,” said Delilah, “Angie.”
“Angie,” Darby whispered. He took a big gulp from the bottle of whiskey and squeezed the trigger. Nothing. He squeezed it again. Nothing. “Angie,” he muttered, and dropped the gun back into the drawer.
“What did you get him?” Suzy Molbrick asked Sandy Jenkins. Sandy smiled, fanning herself with her left hand. “A real nice pen,” she said, chewing on a piece of hot dog. “And a leather book.”
“Darby ain’t feeling well,” the second Mrs. Whistle announced. Everyone gathered around the gift table quietly. “But he insisted that I open his presents for him. And he asked me to thank you all for coming, and to apologize for his getting suddenly sick and all. He must still be exhausted from that long ride home.” Uncle Frank coughed, and a piece of chicken flew out of his mouth. Two or three people laughed.
Inside, Darby stripped himself naked and stretched out on the basement floor. His head ached. From his back, he looked up at the heavy wooden beams criss-crossing the ceiling. “Goodbye, everybody,” he whispered. “Thanks for coming.”
Wow. Nice.
What happened to the cigarette in the Caddy?
That was magnificent.
Please don’t ever do it again.
“Read”, as in, “I’m in a bad place to read something like this”.
I wonder if blogging bleeds off enough steam so the pressure never builds up enough to pop out a book. Or a collection of short stories, anyway.
How do you DO that? More! (Please.) And thank you.
HCT
Wow. That kept my attention!
I get it! Darby is the strangled chicken! The prancing chickens are the insensitive family and friends. The wire fence is Angie.
Or is Fireball the strangled chicken, and Aunt Millie the fence?
Or is the war in Iraq the strangled chicken, the liberals are the prancing chickens, and – no that doesn’t work.
<Sigh> Maybe “The Prancing Chicken” is just a good idea for a pub sign? Maybe the story is just a story?
HCT
I get days like that too. I miss Madame Albright.
..pushed back about twenty yards off the road by large crab-apple trees…
As worth of savoring as a ‘92 Dom Perignon, without the nasty hangover the next day.
worthy, of course.
What can I say but, thank you, Jeff!
Nice! Just like what I would write, if I had talent.
Fireball had it coming.
I think I was at that party. I wondered hat that creaking nooise from downstairs was.
Poor kitty.
Portishead would probably go well with this short fiction.
A=Overall it was pretty good, although frankly I was a little disappointed that it didn’t turn out he had been driven to suicide by the Jooooooooooooooooooos!
Fireball – RIP
Hmmm. I am going to have to mull this one over for a little while. Dammit Jeff, stop making me pay attention and/or think…
Anyhoo, I think I’ll link to this so our puny handful of readers can make up their own minds.
Bring on the MILITARY LITERARY CRITICS! But I must warn you, I’m quick to scream torture.
Your use of Uncle Leroy as a red state metaphor for Bushitler’s arrogance and disregard for International consensus is contrived and frankly quite derivative. Jimmy’s disappearing cigarette (WMD anyone?) too smacks of your inability to acknowledge the Bush doctrine’s utter folly. Do we even need to cover Eddie-Joe’s repressed homosexuality? Your work is clearly indicative of a tortured progressive soul living inside a facade of faux-conservatism.
On the other hand something about Suzy Molbrick’s boobies would have been nice.
“Fix” as in I need a Martini, potato salad and lawn chair fix.
I’m sure that fiction was many things, but by blogstandards, short it was not.
I’m always breaking the rules like that. Because I’m such an edgy, blog bad boy.
Woo and Yay. You are the Flannery O’Connor of blogging..
This can only go on for one more generational skip you know.
Angie’s pregnant, has a little girl. Little girl grows up, later brings her sadly depressed son to the old homestead…
There it ends.
Ab nihilo.
Good thing too, ‘cause this is pretty freakin’ depressing you ask me.
Nice. Like a dark version of O Henry.
Dude, you read like Faulkner. In a good way, I mean.
Very nice, Jeff. I usually hate all dialect fiction but Flannery O’Connor’s, but you have the same touch with it.
I wrote my undergrad honor’s thesis on O’Connor. But these characters come right out of Maryland’s eastern shore.
Yeah, O’Connor, but I’ll agree with making Faulkner look sane.
And for what it’s worth, there should have never been a 92 Dom, especially after the good 93 and the stellar 90. Ah… but don’t hold back and stock on the upcoming 96. Yeah, I’m a champagne slut.
I think somebody around here is a Haruf fan…
But these characters come right out of Maryland’s eastern shore.
And you didn’t mention the freakin’ humidity???
Spamword, “leave,” as in, “That’s why I left Maryland.”
Well, I mentioned drooping and hair that may not be able to stay up. Show, don’t tell, etc.
Sorry, I’m a big picture guy. Heh.
Never read Kent Haruf, Billyjon. Any good?
Thanks, Jeff. That was a great read.
Jeff, how is a short fiction different from a sudden fiction, genre-wise?
Don’t take this as gospel, Gail, but I think sudden fiction is generally no more than a page or two in length.
I’m thinking of trying nanofiction.
Jeff-
I’ve read Plainsong and its sequel Eventide, which are astounding accounts of a made-up town somewhere east of DIA. He’s a terribly efficient writer, able to set a tone in 15 words or less. Very readable.
Chrees-
Oops, you’re absolutely right. Thought ‘90, typed ‘92…
That ‘90 was truly awesome. Jeff is definitely a ‘90 caliber writer, thanks for pointing it out.
Here’s why you should never post fiction on your website. This review was posted at Miserabledonuts.com by one of the site’s contributors:
Wow. Sorry I offended your sensibilities like that, big guy. Next time I won’t play around with narratorial tone. A straightforward Hobbit story. That’s what I’ll write.
Wonderful. Really good. I did a tribute in Jeff’s honor (a poor imitation, no doubt): http://fauxpolitik.blogspot.com/2005/06/tribute-to-jeff-goldstein-recently.html
[…] .wav version available here; text version, here.) Posted by Jeff G. @ 11:25 am | Trackback SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “New soul shrapnel”, url: […]
Miserabledonuts is aptly named.
That was way harsh, and I don’t think a lot of people would agree.
Jeff, I think you are just a natural born target for people who think too much of themselves. I mean, Miserabledonuts is a literary critic? Entitled to his opinion, but not a critic. (and BTW, I have nothing against Md).
Your imagery approaches perfection, and in your own style. There are always influences, but that sounds a lot like pure you. It’s very edgy and intense.
Very cool. I think.
Jeebus! Now I’m starting to sound like a critic!
I thought the “fancy toilet” metaphor was a stage setter. Ie, this is the type of metaphor you would get in this here part of the world. That’s my interpretation of the author’s intent and I’m sticking wit it!
But, I failed English classes back when they were really Grammar courses and never progressed much after that.
P.S. Thanks Mr. Goldstein. I enjoyed it, despite the rather dark mood, of which, as another commenter stated, I’m not really in a good place for.
Beautifully written. But I don’t think he committed suicide. Call me pollyanna, but I think after trying and failing, he went down in the basement, stretched out on the floor and slept it off. Although between the hangover and the bashed in face, he might reconsider when he wakes up.
Nan, that was the impression I got too. I kept going back and looking for some clue as to how he might have been trying to die in that situation, given that the gun wasn’t going off. There not being any pills mentioned with the whiskey I concluded he just gave up on dying and decided to stay in the hell he knew.
I think it’s all a coded racist dog-whistle. If Obama loses in November I guess we’ll have PW to blame for it.
I think you’re right, Aldo. McCain being president is a lot more like the hell we know. Jeff’s saying that in the end America won’t go to the trouble of finding the ammo to load the gun.
I don’t think I’ve ever committed so many denounceable sins in a two-sentence comment before. Personal best!
That is really, really dark.
But I read every freaking word of it.
How do you DO that?
Nan: He might also reconsider when his Mom finds him naked in the basement the morning after the party!
It is pretty short and it meets Poe’s definition well. I was right, though, it is 2347 words.
Yo, inner prop, Poe was really talking about the relatgive length of poetry.
Plus, in “Philosophy of Composition,” he was mostly pulling your leg. Or did you believe that he thought first of using a parrot for his poem “The Raven”?
Dumb ass.