9 indications that you might just be a godless “Christophobe” and certified DEATH MERCHANT whose goal it is to promote a pagan liberal agenda*
While viewing Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, you find yourself giggling uncontrollably whenever Jim Caviezel makes that one grimacy face.
For many people, Good Friday is a day of somber remembrance; for you: time to make s’mores!
Stephen Hawking? Shoulda been put down years ago.
During the Christmas season you like to file formal complaints about publically-displayed nativity scenes, then festoon your own lawn with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barbra Streisand and Michael Newdow tongue kissing.
Whenver you hear the name “Terri,” your head spins completely around and you find yourself spitting out the words, “keep away! The sow is mine!”
Favorite sport? Cockfighting!
Every time you read Milton’s Paradise Lost, you secretly find yourself hoping Satan and his pals would just conjure up about a thousand teenage hookers and forget that stodgy sanctimonious “Heaven” place.
You name your dog “Marx” and train him to shit on the front porches of all your Christ-loving neighbors.
30 Replies to “9 indications that you might just be a godless “Christophobe” and certified DEATH MERCHANT whose goal it is to promote a pagan liberal agenda*”
OK.. so is this like one of those DSMIV diagnostic guides? How many have to apply before youre diagnosed as a Christophobe? Because I have like 6… 7 if being circumcised makes me Jewish..
You’re in it deep now, Goldstein. I patented the word “Christophobe” four years ago due to my loss of work and social interaction from my unfounded fear of Christopher Reeves.
Of course, I’m cured now. But the intellectual gains are still mine.
You bad. You funny. Being a serious Christian with a sense of humor can get me into serious trouble, and you’re making it more difficult for me. Thanks. This one was a gem.
Something I’ve wanted to know for years…when and why did the term “Hebrew” go out of style? JG, you probably know whats up with this. Yeah, I know they still refer to the ancient language by that term. And there is a certain kosher brand of wiener of reputedly high quality to which that appellation is trademarked, but I’m taking about the word as applied to a people-group.
Nobody says anymore, “Isaac, man, check out the gams on that sweet Hebrew babe, oy!”. Or do they? I’ve never heard anybody say that.
What if its an enlargement spell ? Can you cast those on your weiner ? I mean, cuz I’ve been praying for additional size for years and it hasnt done much good.. I’m ready to try something new..And how ‘bout Viagra.. that works like magic.. Is that a sin ?
The article also mentions Penis Snatchers.. Is that all there is to it ? I mean, find one I like and just snatch it ? Cool. Why go through the hassle of sorcery (not to mention the eternal damnation) when a snatching aletrnative is available ? Anyone know where Rocco Siffredi lives ? His will do…
Just curious, but how do you figure out whose penis to purloin? I mean unless you’ve actually seen his turgid torpedo how are ya gonna know if it is worthy?
OK.. so is this like one of those DSMIV diagnostic guides? How many have to apply before youre diagnosed as a Christophobe? Because I have like 6… 7 if being circumcised makes me Jewish..
10. You have a giant poster of Madeline Murray O’Hare hanging on the ceiling above your bed.
Better yet, hang a full length photo of Margaret Sanger goddess of America’s version of Hitler’s death culture over your love bed.
I thought it was “1 through 8 or 9”, in which case I want to take the shortcut and convert. Plus I want some of that sweet world control action.
You’re in it deep now, Goldstein. I patented the word “Christophobe” four years ago due to my loss of work and social interaction from my unfounded fear of Christopher Reeves.
Of course, I’m cured now. But the intellectual gains are still mine.
Lawyers are inbound.
Yikes, Daniel, as amazingly ugly as O’Hare was I don’t even think the most devout (pun intended) atheist could stomach THAT.
I mean, you look at the woman and are automatically convinced there is no God.
…which is actually pretty darned appropriate if you think about it.
Later,
bbeck
Especially since she’s been in a metal drum for the past several years.
#7 – “To Reign in Hell” by Steven Brust
Don’t be hatin’ on tha Hawk-man! He’s liable to pop a cap in yo’ ass.
(E=mc Hawking is a kick-ass song. And I’m not just saying that ‘cuz I’m a recovering rocket scientist. Nope.)
Norbizness.. That brings up a good question.. Maybe Jeff’ll know.. If we Republicans change to Neo-Libertarians, do we lose our VRWC Benefits?
Mr. G.,
You bad. You funny. Being a serious Christian with a sense of humor can get me into serious trouble, and you’re making it more difficult for me. Thanks. This one was a gem.
HCT
Hilarious!
Great stuff.
Good question, Alpha.
Me? I’m only in the VRWC for the cash, man. Sweet, sweet cash.
The Power of Christ Compels You!
Not to mention those checks we’re getting from Karl Rove . . .
why even bother with 1 through 8?
“<i>where were yoooooo, when they built that ladder to He-eaven?”
Something I’ve wanted to know for years…when and why did the term “Hebrew” go out of style? JG, you probably know whats up with this. Yeah, I know they still refer to the ancient language by that term. And there is a certain kosher brand of wiener of reputedly high quality to which that appellation is trademarked, but I’m taking about the word as applied to a people-group.
Nobody says anymore, “Isaac, man, check out the gams on that sweet Hebrew babe, oy!”. Or do they? I’ve never heard anybody say that.
Should I have spellchecked my wiener in the previous post? Weiner, wiener…? One of those means “some guy from Vienna” in German, I’m pretty sure.
Maybe I meant hotdog…whatever.
I’m pretty sure spellchecking your wiener is a sin.
No spells on your weiner. Witchcraft is such a big no.
What if its an enlargement spell ? Can you cast those on your weiner ? I mean, cuz I’ve been praying for additional size for years and it hasnt done much good.. I’m ready to try something new..And how ‘bout Viagra.. that works like magic.. Is that a sin ?
There are, however, weiner shrinking spells.
The article also mentions Penis Snatchers.. Is that all there is to it ? I mean, find one I like and just snatch it ? Cool. Why go through the hassle of sorcery (not to mention the eternal damnation) when a snatching aletrnative is available ? Anyone know where Rocco Siffredi lives ? His will do…
I should ask Wonkette, huh?
Just curious, but how do you figure out whose penis to purloin? I mean unless you’ve actually seen his turgid torpedo how are ya gonna know if it is worthy?
According to Tristram Shandy, you can estimate it by the length of the nose.
Oh sweet Jesus I’ve got a gigantic proboscis (not unlike that Baboon fella).
On your face?
What did you hear?