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a note to my loyal readers, based on my performance at the range tonight

Should you ever find yourself in a hostage situation where you’re being held around the neck like James Remar holds Eddie Murphy at the end of 48 Hours, and it’s 7 yards or under, I have a 97% chance of killing your attacker with a .45 Tac pistol, provided he stands still and acts like a paper target.

If he’s at 10 yards, on the other hand, your odds of getting hit in the shoulder are 2 in 10; your odds of getting hit in the chest and killed, also 2 in 10.

So. My advice to you, should you ever find yourself in that predicament at 10 yards out or beyond and reliant upon me to save you with a .45 ACP: yell, “grab your rifle, Jeff,” or alternately, try “run 9 feet toward me and fucking shoot this asshole!”

Then I can be a hero, and you can live.

Win / win!

23 Replies to “a note to my loyal readers, based on my performance at the range tonight”

  1. cranky-d says:

    I shall keep this in mind.

  2. bh says:

    I do like the humor. It’s sorta like wine, women, and song for those times you can’t drink, [hold hands], or sing.

    It has its own charm, I suppose.

  3. jcw46 says:

    I think I’d reach behind me and grab a handful of nuts to see what I could make happen and not wait to die like a f’ing lamb to slaughter.

    But then I’m an old coot with a shorter life expectancy than most of you.

    YMMV.

  4. eCurmudgeon says:

    So. My advice to you, should you ever find yourself in that predicament at 10 yards out or beyond and reliant upon me to save you with a .45 ACP: yell, “grab your rifle, Jeff,” or alternately, try “run 9 feet toward me and fucking shoot this asshole!”

    Hang on… I’m busy writing this down on a Post-It note…

  5. EBL says:

    Thanks for the disclaimer!

  6. @PurpAv says:

    I took my tactical pistol classes using an ancient .32 Walther PP. Its a tack driver compared to larger cannons. With it, I can draw and put 3 pretty tightly grouped in a pie plate sized target at 20′ or so in under 2.5sec.

    People laugh at the little .32, but a few of them in the face is nothing to laugh about.

  7. Ernst Schreiber says:

    If you add a tactical shotgun to the growing Goldstein arsenal

    leave me to my fate!

  8. BigBangHunter says:

    – The Empire strikes back and gets a hickey.

  9. BigBangHunter says:

    – The WH in full metal jacket cover your ass:

    “But the statement criticized by the Romney campaign came early in the day, before the attacks on the two embassies, and was put out not by the White House, but by the Cairo embassy itself.

    The White House later disavowed the statement as not approved by Washington, according to a senior administration official speaking to Politico.”

    – That statement doesn’t even make any fucking sense. Aside from the obvious kissing up to the Muslims by our asshole of a president, we’re being ruled by a pack of morons.

  10. BigBangHunter says:

    – I guess the Obana politoburo needed to wait until the fucking embassey burned to the ground before they said anything harsh.

    – God how I hate that son of a bitch.

  11. Drumwaster says:

    I’d also suggest that whenever you make it to the range to practice pistol, you should practice with both hands equally. (Nothing looks stupider than trying to shoot from behind cover with your shoulder torquing the wrong way, exposing most of your torso, rather than just the weapon and an eye.) It also prevents you from being totally useless if your dominant arm is otherwise encumbered.

  12. BigBangHunter says:

    – One question Jeff. How did you make it to the car and back with your firearms without being stopped and strip searched?

    ….In other news:

    – Oh well, maybe the Dems can just let her serve out her sentence on weekends and serve in congress during the week. Voter fraud, what voter fraud?

  13. Robb Allen says:

    I’m the same way with ‘off hand’ shooting, and I’m a C-Class USPSA shooter to boot.

    Speaking of, you should try your hand at USPSA or IDPA competition. I’m sure there’s one local in your area. It won’t train you to prepare for a gun fight, but it will get you off a static lane and get some motion thrown into the mix (both you, and often the targets).

    They both are good competitions, each with something different than the other with different focuses. Like I said, it won’t prepare you for a real fight (only a real fight can do that) but it does help with your basic gun handling skills as well as applying a bit of stress.

  14. serr8d says:

    You’re gripping the pistol too hard, and likely not squeezing the trigger properly. Caress the trigger like it was one of Shannon Elizabeth’s oh-so smearable nipples~!

  15. dicentra says:

    Would it also work to give you a five-second countdown with my free hand (out of the kidnapper’s view), then I suddenly “faint,” unbalancing the kidnapper long enough for you to blow his head off?

    I’ve always wanted to try that…

  16. Squid says:

    The one from Fifth Element is pretty good, too.

  17. lilida says:

    In the firearms class I took, we first stood at the 21 ft. mark and took careful aim. In the second round of shooting, we stood at the 9 ft. mark and drew quickly, without thinking. The instructor told us that the 9 ft. mark is where you most likely would encounter someone in a life-threatening situation. If you’re further away than 7 yards you should run like hell (if you can), unless you are trying to protect someone else.

  18. McGehee says:

    The one from Fifth Element is pretty good, too.

    “Anybody else want to negotiate?”

  19. mojo says:

    “Shoot the hostage.”
    “What? Are you crazy?”
    “In the leg. What’s he gonna do, carry him off?”
    — Speed

  20. leigh says:

    “Taken” had the best negotiation line:

    Sheikh: We can nego— (dies in a hail of gunfire)

    Liam Neeson, collects kidnapped daughter and steps over corpse.

  21. Patrick Chester says:

    So I should probably draw a gun and take myself hostage?

    “I mean it! One false move and I’ll blow this white boy all over this town!”
    “Careful… he’s not bluffing.”

Comments are closed.