From Reuters:
A plan by a German zoo to test the sexual appetites of a group of suspected homosexual penguins has sparked outrage among gay and lesbian groups, who fear zookeepers might force them to turn straight.
“All sorts of gay and lesbian associations have been e-mailing and calling in to protest,” said a spokesman for the zoo in the northwestern city of Bremerhaven on Friday.
He said the zoo concluded the penguins might be gay after seeing male penguins trying to mate with other males and trying to hatch offspring out of stones.
German media reported that female Swedish penguins would be brought to the zoo to test the theory, but when word got out about the plan, the phones started ringing.
“Nobody here is trying to break-up same sex pairs by force,” the zoo’s director Heike Kueck told public broadcaster NDR. “We don’t know if the three male pairs are really gay or just got together because of a lack of females.”
In related news, the National Review’s John Derbyshire quietly removed the Batman Returns DVD from his film library and had it stoned to death.
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update: “Cold Shoulder for Swedish Seductresses” (thanks Ray)
My dog once humped a tree…maybe they are just stupid penguins.
Now, if one penguin looks at the other and says “Oh Sweetheart! That Flyin’ Nun get up is sooo 80’s. You need some flare!” then you got a news story.
Dude, give ‘em a break. Penguins all look the freakin same! What would you do if you walked into a party and everyone in attendance was wearing a fucking tux. C’mon, like everyone here hasn’t fallen for the old Thai lady-boy trick at least once…
Sheesh so you got a coupla confused penguins.
Perhaps the penguins have been reading “The Martha Stewart Chronicles”. You know, being in a zoo and all that….could be kinda confusing?
”…trying to hatch offspring out of stones”?????
Maybe the penguins aren’t gay. What if they’re just stupid?
You see in nature, animals exhibiting aberrant behaviors such as same sex “mating” and attempting to “hatch offspring out of stones” exclude themselves from the gene pool. Let them be, everything will work out.
Looks like the German zoo study has already yielded important scientific data. We can reliably conclude that there are too many unemployed and bored gay people in Germany.
True story, we used to have 2 male dogs in our house, a toy poodle and big, burly cocker spaniel. Now, the cocker was not rottweiller big, obviously, but if cockers had biker gangs, this dog would have been in one.
They were just platonic friends for 2 years. Then we had the cocker fixed. After that, the poodle would hump the cocker, and the cocker would let him.
The moral of the story? No matter how big you are, once somebody cuts your nuts off, you’re going to be someone’s bitch, I guess.
When reached for comment, Burgess Merideth denied he was a homosexual. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”, he said.
ChrisinAlabama: I can do you one better. When I was a teenager my Mom had a femal cocker spaniel, and a very mean, large, male cat. Both pets were sterilized. Eventually, our female dog got into the habit of pinning the cat to the ground, and trying to hump it, as if she were male. The cat was always completely bewildered by the experience, to the point where it was too wierded out to even attempt to fight back. Usually, the cat would hide in a closet for some hours after one of these incidents, and the dog would look even happier than usual.
I was disturbed by it, but my friends thought it was hilarious.
You see in nature, animals exhibiting aberrant behaviors such as same sex “mating†and attempting to “hatch offspring out of stones†exclude themselves from the gene pool. Let them be, everything will work out.
Unless they are situationally gay for a short period of time. You know, like a bunch of Navy Seals on extended deployment.
Uh, btw, that was just a joke, Froggy. Please don’t stalk and bayonet me in my sleep or something.
Figures. I always thought that Opus was a little fruity. That ex girlfriend Alf Mushpie was the most obvious beard this side of Abe Lincoln.
“Please don’t stalk and bayonet me in my sleep or something.”
is this a euphamism for something…penguin-like?
Glitch, that is too funny. ALmost as funny as zoologists trying to determine something meaningful out of the actions of purely instinct-driven animals!
So let me get this straight… males of a species that reproduces sexually will try to f*ck anything that holds still, and justify it by acting crazy.
Wow, they proved the “Beer Goggles” theory.
The question is: what are the gays afraid of? Will the penguins turn out to prefer females? And if so, does that negate the whole argument that if it’s good enough for the lower species it’s good enough for us too?
I’m just saying. Personally, I think all penguins are gay. Why else would they walk like that?
YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!
What’s next, giraffe bathouses? Well, maybe not giraffes. It’d be pretty tough for them to…urk. How does this stuff jump into my head? Anybody got any horse tranks?
A plan by a German zoo to test the sexual appetites of a group of suspected homosexual penguins
Isn’t this a bit wierd? Do zoo’s routinely “test the sexual appetites” of their animals? Or is this a German thing?
It’s called animal behavioral research, and it’s frequently applied to debates about homosexuality in humans. Not weird. It’s a non-twit thing.
I suppose this explains Sullivan’s trip to Europe. Anybody want to bet he’s renting a tux and putting roofies in herring?
“Nobody here is trying to break-up same sex pairs by force,†the zoo’s director Heike Kueck told public broadcaster NDR. “We don’t know if the three male pairs are really gay or just got together because of a lack of females.”
Crimeny. Apparently they’re running a penguin version of Oz in that thar zoo.
My friend the neurobiologist once worked in a lab where they needed to sexually stimulate squirrels. Someone finally developed a squirrel vibrator for the project.
I’m not making this up: Scientists have to do weird shit. So if you don’t want to do weird shit, don’t go into science. (Just like, if you want to make money, don’t major in English. Not that I’m bitter or anything.)
What do they expect? They are all male and live in cages, just like prisons in the US. When they are in they are gay, when they get out they become straight again.
Experiments on animals are done all the time. For instance, experiments on rats showed that homosexuality only went up in rats when they were overcrowded. Violence also went up, and rats even have homophobia and try to kill the gay rats.
Other experiments on apes show different trends.
Chimpanzees are more than willing to electro-shock and hurt other chimps for food. Some long-tailed monkeys will go 2 weeks or more without food rather than hurt another monkey.
We just have to keep testing on many animals to see who are the exceptions and which are the rule.
Everyone carries these experiments out because we learn something about ourselves. It is amazing how similiar animal behavior is to humans.
One thing is for certian, they are certainly always clean and well dressed. That alone should tell you something.
I bet those squirrel vibrators work wonders as Q-tips.
“ZOO” is “OZ” spelled backwards and missing an “O’
Coincidence? I think not.
The missing “O” stands for “Oh My God, is that penguin branding a swastika in another penguin’s ass and trading him for a box of smokes?”
“German media reported that female Swedish penguins would be brought to the zoo”
At least they’re using hot female Swedish penguins, rather than those female East German shotputter penguins, otherwise all the gay penguins would look at each other and say, “See? THAT’s why we’re gay.”
Bill, I guess you would know all about animal behavioral research.
PENGUINZZ R TEH GHEY!
Bill, I guess you would know all about animal behavioral research.
Oh yes, yes, indeed – my current project centers around observing the impaired cognitive abilities of the “Sparkled Pink Sparkly Sparkle Twit” in an unnatural environment.
Fascinating.
I think I’m gonna bow out of this childish game of yours Bill, I’m not very good at being mean and you are obviously a champ at it. So you win.
EVERYBODY WINS!
The hot swedish penguins will have those german gay penguins giving them pedicures and advising on beak treatments
Quitter.
Jeeeez, Bill! This is our Mom yer fuckin’ with!
Actually, I’m pretty sure that this time RWS, you two were playing with your copy of the game. Not Bill’s. So make sure you pick up the spilled tokens, the game board and the dice.
Hey, Robin! How ‘bout a little toture?
[keyword “because” why?]
Bill,
Considering the nature of your charges, it would seem as if you are constantly prepared to be “bayoneted” (is that what you guys call it these days?) from behind. I guess, I’ll have to rethink my original stalking plans.
Robin, I think you should read the comments again and see who started it. It wasn’t my game.
But enough already! Don’t discuss it!
“toture” ?
Damn, is that yet another sex slang I don’t know?
* You just don’t remember!
Swedish penguins continue to sing Dancing Queen reducing German penguins to tears. Hell hath no fury like a penguin scorned.
Regarding animal behavoir reserach,
Monkeys Are Willing
To ‘Pay’ for a Glimpse
Of High-Status Apes
Animals Surrender Perks
To Peek at Photographs
Of Dominant Simians
By MARILYN CHASE
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
February 11, 2005; Page B3
Monkeys will pay for a glimpse of power and beauty, scientists have found, much as people pay for magazines offering a peek at Donald Trump’s wedding or Jennifer Lopez’s Oscar gown.
In a study titled “Monkeys Pay Per View,” neuroscientists at Duke University discovered that rhesus monkeys will give up a portion of hard-earned perks for a peek at pictures of the dominant leaders and nubile females in their troop. But they won’t pony up to look at faces of subordinate simians.
Instead of money, the simian unit of currency is cherry juice, a treat that scientists use to reward laboratory monkeys for doing tasks. Monkeys assigned the photos a precise value in swigs of the sweet fluid.
Published in the journal Current Biology, the study, by assistant neurobiology professor Michael Platt and postdoctoral research associate Robert Deaner, is part of a line of research into how the brain assigns value and makes decisions based on the cost and benefit of an action. The field, known as neuroeconomics, has fascinated biologists for a decade.
Supported by the National Institute of Mental Health and the Cure Autism Now Foundation, the study could advance understanding of autism, a developmental disorder marked by inability to look at others’ faces, interpret their social significance or manage human interactions.
In the jungle, such skills spell survival: Monitoring faces of powerful individuals who could beat you up or steal your food is a key to staying alive. Surveying readiness of potential mates is crucial to a successful reproductive strategy.
“You’ve got to know who’s who, who’s got the power, who might be a potential ally, potential foe or potential mate,” Dr. Deaner said.
During the experiment, four monkeys named Wolfgang, Sherry, Dart and Niko were seated in chairs facing a computer monitor, as researchers electronically monitored their gazes. The monkeys watched a slide show featuring pairs of photos taken of their 12-member troop. Viewing a particular image triggered a squirt of juice.
The monkeys’ gazes showed a clear preference for power and beauty, no matter the cost. They chose to look at pictures of alpha monkeys of both sexes, and potential female mates, although they had to sacrifice—or pay more for the view—by accepting 10% less juice. The photos were of faces of male and female alphas, and, in keeping with how monkeys judge a potential mate’s receptivity, the backsides of females.
When researchers displayed photos of subordinate or low-ranking monkeys, the study monkeys wouldn’t pay or even accept a standard juice ration. Instead, they required a 5% juice bonus—call it incentive pay—before they would deign to look.
“It was a bit of a surprise,” Dr. Platt admitted. “It was almost not worth the extra juice for them to look at low-ranking monkeys. It was actually worse than looking at a gray square,” he said, referring to a sort of test pattern that preceded the slide show on the computer monitor.
All this resembles the way that people’s gaze follows those of high rank at parties or meetings, Dr. Deaner explained. “If one person has power and control, people will monitor them, whereas if people have no say in the meeting, people won’t bother looking at them.”
One interesting finding: Study monkeys would pay just as much juice to look at the faces of the high-ranked females as males, with no apparent gender discrimination.
But while monkeys would gaze as long as they could at female hindquarters, they quickly assessed mug shots of male and female power figures and then averted their gaze. In the wild, staring is a challenge that invites an aggressive response.
The researchers plan future human studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging to measure how people value visual input, and map the flow of such information to specific brain sites.
Paul Glimcher, associate professor of neural science and psychology at New York University, who mentored Dr. Platt while he was doing postdoctoral research at NYU, says monkey pay-per-view has taken the starch out of staid scientific meetings.
“It’s hilarious,” he said. “When they take this study and present it at conferences, people fall over laughing.”
But the work is important, Dr. Glimcher said, because it offers a common conceptual framework for decision-making by humans and other primates. The research has “taken the issue of your wanting to be—or be with—an important monkey, and shown it seems to obey the same rules about monkeys working for juice or humans working for money.”
All primates living in complex societies have evolved this drive to study what’s around them, Dr. Glimcher explained. “People are willing to pay money to look at pictures of high-ranking human primates. When you fork out $3” for a celebrity gossip magazine, “you’re doing exactly what the monkeys are doing.
“The difference between Michael’s study and People magazine,” he said, “is that the monkeys actually know the individuals in the picture.”
Write to Marilyn Chase at