In an otherwise prosaic Washington Post article on the likelihood of a U.S. first strike on Iran, one passage really stands out:
“We are eagerly looking for the Americans commandos to come to Iran since they are chicks which would rapidly be picked up by our eagles,” declared Iran’s Intelligence Minister, according to a report from the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting service.
Uh huh. Get back to me after some Marine has you wrapped in a pork-drenched Israeli flag and is forcing you to watch a Muslim woman peel off her stockings, Mr. Intelligence Minister.
I don’t know about you, but I find this kind of Monty Pythonesque braggadocio deployed by Islamists consistently enjoyable—the cadence, the imagery… all so literarily vibrant, and yet so easy to imitate. To wit:
“We [insert name and glowing description of your militant / terrorist / insurgent organization] the brotherhood of Allah’s Enormous Cudgel are eagerly looking for [insert name and of your foe, with or without adjectival] the puny westerners from the land of sin to come to [insert scene of threatened carnage (prepostional phrase optional)] the great land of our fathers and the cradle of the earth for a biblical-style ass whoopin’ since they are [insert weak animal] lemurs which would rapidly be [insert martial verb] crushed like little lemur-looking grapes by our [insert strong animal] giant angry Persian mastadons of fear.
Go ahead, give it a go. I’m not proprietary.
First try, so cut me some slack-
“We -The Valiant Jewhating and Infidel Smashing Rock Throwers of Allah are eagerly looking for small unarmed western infidel children who smell of elderberries to come to those Regions of Palestine in which the Zionists Army happens to be elsewhere for a biblical-style ass whoopin’ since they are Gerbil-like pigs which would rapidly be snatched off the ground of Jerusaelum by our Giant Pterodactyl like wings of Allah, peace be upon him.”
We the Brigade of Extremely Dangerous and Scary Guys are eagerly looking for easily frightened bourgois ninny-Jews to come to the great expanse of our moon-like-surface desert of our forebears, which has witnessed more than one Wrath-of-Allah-type ass-whoopin’, let me tell you, since they are so pitifully ineffective adversaries that might as well be wallabies which would be pounded into dust like so many bags of sand by our aforementioned Scary Guys, so they might as well not even try.
“We the Merciful Mulleted Mullahs of Mass Destruction are eagerly looking for all Zionist pigdogs and fornicating western infidels to come to Persia, land of the prophets, where we shall rape their men and slaughter their women since they are aphids which would rapidly be overrun like defenseless aphids by our voracious wolverines of fear.”
1. Who knew they were into picking up American chicks?
2. Won’t they be surprised when the “chicks” they are expecting turn out to be, by and large, angry, heavily-armed men.
Didn’t Iraq have a dick like this? Everyone called him “Baghdad Bob” or whatnot. He wouldn’t stop saying how our advance had been stopped and crippled even as you could see Ahbrams tank columns in the background… and artillery blasts. Lots of artillery blasts.
I miss that guy.
Baghdad Bob now lives in Tehran?
Does he live under a fruit in the Caspian Sea?
“We the Glorious Men In Women’s Bodies are eagerly looking for buff American soldiers to come to the site of eternal humiliation of your Nobel-winning former president for some nookie since they are incredibly hot stallions that would be … oooooh … by the ghost of the Ayatollah Khomeini himself.”
I know where Baghdad Bob is hiding.
For my money I like a nice, ”Your streets will flow with the blood of infidels!” Can’t beat that tired old cliche for lack of originality yet surprising ubiquity in Islamist pronouncements.
Shake in my shoes every time I hear it. (With the giggles, of course)
All your infidels are belong to us!
U r teh sux0rz!
“We the Grand Mystic Loyal Order of the Nobles of the Ali Baba Temple of the Shrine are eagerly looking for you seely American type k-nnnnniggets to come to Cal Worthington Chevrolet to watch me eat a bug since they are dancing armadilloes which would rapidly be spun madly until they are madly spun beyond all ability to endure being spun … madly by our Baghdadbob Onfirepants.
We the thousand strong brigade of martyrs
<boom>
Ahem. We the hundreds strong brigade of martyrs
<boom>
Shit. We the dozens strong brigade of martyrs
<boom>
For Allah’s sake! We the loosely organized group of martyrs who don’t really wish to congregate in large groups and have from time to time actually wondered about the size of Allah’s cudgel
<boom>
How do you expect me to issue a call to jihad under these condit
<boom>
Well done, skinbad.
I can’t believe that nobody threw an “Allah Akbar!” in there. How did we miss that old chestnut?
“We the Wind-Swept Warriors Looking Like Omar Sharif are eagerly looking for the Swedish-Chef-Worshipping Crusaders to come to the blasted, barren, cratered land of our harem-keeping forefathers (lucky mujihadeen!) for a rock-’em, sock-’em hillybilly shootout since they are Spanish poodles and Buddy Ebsen look-a-likes who would rapidly be evicerated like chickens in a Tyson plant in northwest Arkansas by our giant pandas stolen from the St. Louis Zoo.”
“We, the Base of the Democrat Party are eagerly looking for the Neocon Reprobate Conservative Jesusland Freaks to come to the Hamptons since they are Republican Reptiles which would rapidly be crushed like little west Texas horny toads by our giant angry extremely large-headed New England dinosaurs.”
We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union…