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Captain's Log: Star Date, 2011

“You will suffer a wrath more hellacious than Satan himself. Just as soon as my parents go to bed and I can pinch the keys to the minivan.”

“I have handcuffs and I know how to use them. Because I have every episode of ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’ on my computer. And a Phaser set to ‘Ass Kick and Names Take.’ Do I make myself clear?”

(h/t Iowahawkblog)

47 Replies to “Captain's Log: Star Date, 2011”

  1. sdferr says:

    That silly little man needs to read The Iliad and get himself a tragic sense of life, as well as an image of his own brains spilling out of his skullcase on the blood darkened ground.

  2. mojo says:

    Lemme know when you plan to “arrest every singe member” of the Oaktown PD, kid. I wanna see that shit.

  3. Mikey NTH says:

    I would say he was exercising his beer muscles, but he didn’t slur at all. So I’m going to fall back on the diagnosis of terminally stupid.*

    *It’ll be terminal someday, just a matter of the the time, place, and manner coing together.

  4. DarthLevin says:

    He’s got cuffs, and he knows how to use ’em.

    Yeah, I think about ZZTop all the time, too.

  5. Slartibartfast says:

    Oh. Man. That was scary.

  6. DarthLevin says:

    If by “scary” you mean “made me laugh hard for about a minute straight”, then I agree with Slart.

  7. Joe says:

    He is quite the * isn’t he. Why not just show up and try to use those handcuffs? I am not a big fan of police overreach (as Radley Balko likes to point out), but damn if some idiot doesn’t show up and make the Oakland cops look downright reasonable.

  8. Obstreperous Infidel says:

    I’m conflicted. The guy is obviously someone that needs to be punched often, however, I’m not really a fan of big city cops, either. And, yes, some of the Oakland PD have acted like the gestapo.

  9. LBascom says:

    Needs some good doom music in the background. Perhaps a crescendo at “wrath greater than Satan”.

    I don’t think the cops will be scared without a proper crescendo.

  10. ThomasD says:

    an image of his own brains spilling out of his skullcase on the blood darkened ground.

    Well it’s not like he’s using them…

    Rather than him being on the receiving end of any state violence I’d settle for a little Joe the Plumber style invasion of his (sad, pathetic, and miserable) private life.

    The world needs to know everything about him. For his own good.

  11. Pablo says:

    Cops? Have handcuff keys. Just saying.

  12. Golem14 says:

    “Okay, put out your hands so I can cuff you, and the rest of you wait here until I get back from arresting this guy. Don’t make me get hellacious on you!”

  13. Pablo says:

    Oh, by the way: Resistance is Justified when People are Occupied

    Them’s the rules, dog.

  14. DarthLevin says:

    Maybe this guy has a Gomer Pyle fetish.

    Citizen’s Arrest! Citizen’s Arrest!

  15. TaiChiWawa says:

    Don’t mess with him, he’s probably a graduate of this fine institution.

  16. sdferr says:

    Well, just an image would suffice TD, so he needn’t learn in the flesh.

  17. McGehee says:

    He’s trying real hard to sound like the guy in all the movie trailers, but the result is pure sheltie.

    The secret, kid, is to let the words carry the menace — especially when your voice makes Justin Bieber sound like James Earl Jones.

  18. DarthLevin says:

    Has it been 24 hours? Has the Oakland PD responded?

    ARMEGEDDON IS COMING!!!!!!

  19. Darleen says:

    found his handcuffs … and I’d pay good money to see him try and arrest one of Oakland’s finest with ’em

  20. sdferr says:

    OT: today’s APOD is a beaut.

  21. Golem14 says:

    At least he has handcuffs and he knows how to use them; his threat would be a bit less credible without that clarification I think.

  22. bigbooner says:

    Obstreperous Infidel posted on10/26 @ 12:18 pm

    I’m conflicted. The guy is obviously someone that needs to be punched often, however, I’m not really a fan of big city cops, either. And, yes, some of the Oakland PD have acted like the gestapo.

    Maybe this is that one time that I will cheer for the Gestapo.

  23. dicentra says:

    sdferr: What are we looking at with that photo? It really does rock.

  24. sdferr says:

    There’s a fuller explanation at APOD for the day, but in essence it’s a portrait of 4 moons of Saturn with rings. Here’s a more permalink.

  25. DarthLevin says:

    Explanation: A fourth moon is visible on the above image if you look hard enough. First — and farthest in the background — is Titan, the largest moon of Saturn and one of the larger moons in the Solar System. The dark feature across the top of this perpetually cloudy world is the north polar hood. The next most obvious moon is bright Dione, visible in the foreground, complete with craters and long ice cliffs. Jutting in from the left are several of Saturn’s expansive rings, including Saturn’s A ring featuring the dark Encke Gap. On the far right, just outside the rings, is Pandora, a moon only 80-kilometers across that helps shepherd Saturn’s F ring. The fourth moon? If you look closely in the Encke Gap you’ll find a speck that is actually Pan. Although one of Saturn’s smallest moons at 35-kilometers across, Pan is massive enough to help keep the Encke gap relatively free of ring particles.

    APOD is one of my favorite sites. Has been for years.

  26. dicentra says:

    sdferr, Darth:

    Awesome! Thanks!

  27. Slartibartfast says:

    Titan, the largest moon of Saturn and one of the larger moons in the Solar System

    That’s no moon.

  28. John Bradley says:

    I’m conflicted. The guy is obviously someone that needs to be punched often, however, I’m not really a fan of big city cops, either. And, yes, some of the Oakland PD have acted like the gestapo.

    Not a problem. We just need to hook the gestapo up with guys like this, who need themselves some gestappin’. They can play with each other all day long…

    DUDE: “We been playin’ Headkicker!
    COP: “I been playin’. You’ve been gettin’ a red-ass beatdown.”)

    …and leave us Normal Folks free to go about our business. Win-win.

  29. jaycaruso says:

    Does Dave Grohl know his bass player is pulling this crap?

  30. Jimbo says:

    “That’s no moon.”

    I find your lack of faith disturbing.

  31. bh says:

    It’s a trap!

  32. sdferr says:

    Encke Gap sounds like something a Swedish actress has betwixt her boobs, not to go nether.

  33. Pablo says:

    OK, so let’s assume that our Superhero starts arresting cops. What do you suppose he’d do with them then?

    I know! Take them to the police station!

  34. sdferr says:

    I don’t know Pablo, he looks angry enough to spit-roast and eat them.

  35. newrouter says:

    he’d beam the police up to to the mother ship?

  36. B. Moe says:

    I am starting to wonder if maybe the reason these pinheads have camped this long is they are too fucking stupid to remember how to get home.

  37. Seth says:

    This is what happens when a child is breast fed to the age of 21.

  38. Pablo says:

    True, sdferr, but he looks too dumb to build a fire.

  39. sdferr says:

    heh, and lacks friends who have the embers . . .

  40. guinspen says:

    Hey, it’s The Corbomite Maneuver guy!

  41. Ouroboros says:

    Wow.. Ten years of Osama bin Laden films left me unmoved… but this… this sent a shiver up my spine.. ewwww.. there it is again..

  42. Ouroboros says:

    Oh wait.. Is this one of those Geico ‘So simple a caveman can do it’ commercials ?

  43. Slartibartfast says:

    That was Ron Howard’s younger brother, there, peddling the tranya.

Comments are closed.