Hi.
My name is protein wisdom. I’m a well-known blog, and I’ve been lying to you. I’ve kept the secret for years now, but all lies grow and eventually get out of control. This is me coming clean about my Big Lie. What did I lie about? Oh, nothing much…
Except that I was never a blog. I never spent a day composing online. I never really learned Movable Type. The closest I ever got to personal blogging was reading LGF and leaving mean comments here.
This entire blog thing is a stupid lie which has its roots back in college. When I was taking Intro to Creative Writing (and I really was, trust me), I met a lot of aspiring novelists and poets, and got to know some of these amazing men and women. They always impressed me with their inspired competence and their commitment to ill-conceived science-fiction stories or Goth death couplets containing the word “cunt.” Though I enjoyed my time in writing classes, I decided that a lifetime of bringing fajitas to tables while covered in pieces of flair was not for me, and I stopped writing my novel about shape-shifting aliens who open up a boarding school for the sons and daughters of world leaders in order to blackmail earth into surrendering its trees (which the aliens needed, because they love hammocks) and instead pursued a degree in accounting. That ended my official involvement with academically-sanctioned creative writing. But once I was out of the aspiring writers’ loop, there was a lingering impression among friends that I had been a pretentious artiste with internet writing experience — due largely to the fact that I wore a smoking jacket and a black beret, and I knew how to animate a pickle .gif to make it look as though the pickle was actually dancing. I later did something similar with a banana.
Anyway, to make a long story short, what you’ve been reading on this site since its inception was all written in the spring of 1987, during a particularly vicious month-long acid trip. I’ve simply been dividing the fruits of that chemical rant into byte-sized pieces (the original monograph is written in chocolate syrup and urine on a roll of brown packaging paper, if you can believe that!) and posting it at random for several months now. Really. I haven’t put a bit of thought into any of this since I learned how to cut and paste text and operate a scanner. So you see, I’m not a blog so much as I am a vivid, haphazardly partitioned acid flashback that on occasion — and completely by chance — dovetails with current events.
I apologize for deceiving my readers in this way. But c’mon: did you honestly expect me to sit here every morning and make penis jokes for your amusement? Shyeah. As if...!
Anyway, I blame that guy Kip who sold me the tabs, then took my stereo while I was off stealing street signs and those orange traffic cones. Oh, and the Jews. I blame them, too.
Sincerely,
protein wisdom
www.celluloid-wisdom.com/cw
P.S. Long-time readers of this site know that I took an 18-month hiatus from “blogging.” The truth is, it was a forced hiatus: I got hooked on heroin and spent 14 months in prison for beating a neighbor with the base of a lamp after the fucker stole my morning fix. So there. As long as I’m coming clean.
Yeah, but what about the comments? Are they real? Am I real, or am I just another figment of your drug-addled imagination?
You still have our support, PW. At least you made the effort to pretend to be a writer and illuminated deeper truths about writing– not like those wingnuts who criticize writers like Robert Fisk and Mark Morford even though they’ve never dared put their own bylines up there for people to shoot at. Damn chickenhacks.
Ha! I knew it all the time.
Seems a bit self-serving to come out with your confession at this particular juncture, doesn’t it, Jeff ? Especially since we all know it was not acid, but mushrooms you were on at the time.
Everyone knows this is really Bush’s fault, anyway, so just stop it – stop this pathetic cry for attention. You’re acting like somebody actually thought pw is a real blog, fer crissakes.
And to think, if I were bothering to read Warbloggerwatch anymore, I’d have a fucking clue as to who Micah Wright is. I think he’s bucking for his fifteen minutes a bit prematurely, myself.
Now I’m kicking myself because I now notice thousands of hints to this obvious realization throughout the entire site.
[droolingsycophant] It’s okay, man—I understand. I think it’s really brave of you to make this confession, and I’ll back you one hundred percent! [/droolingsycophant]
No more penis jokes? Will this new policy also affect the jokes about whores with above average abilities? And the joo-ish jokes? I hope not, I luv a good kike joke.
Eight year olds Dude.
And that your neighbor really didn’t steal your morning fix, but actually stole the sports section.
But seriously, I may have to go into treatment myself…that I find your antagonism of Oliver Willis laugh-til-I-cry funny is troubling…even as I giggle at his blog…deep down I know…I find it too funny.
Don’t ever change. Don’t ever change a bit of that slightly unnerving postmodern whimsy we’ve come to expect, from one Jeff to another.
Also don’t move to my hometown.
Thats all fine and dandy and shit but where between the dank and the crank did you learn to code? ITT-fucking-tech?