John Kerry’s campaign looks more and more like an “X-Files” episode with each passing day.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but me, I’m stocking up on silver bullets, sharpened stakes, and cloves of garlic strung into demon-repellent necklaces. I’m also thinking about writing a flat tax manifesto and folding it into the shape of a crucifix. Just in case.

Lenin to Kerry: “Beware the power of the seance, comrade.”

Lennon to Kerry: “I never liked that Yoko wouldn’t shave her legs or under her arms. I regret not having told her that. It’s my only regret, really — besides getting shot. Oh, and Ringo, of course.”