“So I like, drank a couple of shots of Goldschlager and a few beers at this party, right? And then I had like, a cigarette or three? And so they totally took away my cheerleading captainship! So I’m all like, no way! — y’know? ‘Cuz smoking and drinking can’t change the fact that I’m like, the real captain of this squad. And it’s not like everybody doesn’t know it, either. I mean, I’ve totally got the bounciest tits, the tightest ass, the shiniest hair — and it’s me who gives Dale Arlington like, grade-A handjobs in the back of his Dodge Ram after games. And Dale’s like, the quarterback? Which is why I am so suing the school system. For like, fifty grand.

“Because I’ll tell you this much — no fucking way are they like, going to fuck up my scholarship chances. I mean, it’s been like, my dream to study English at St. Cloud State University since, like…well fuck if I know. But it’s been my dream for a long time, I can tell you that much. Like.

“Go on — check out my ass if you don’t believe me. My ass is so totally fine I should be made, like, cheerleading captain for life…”

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