An unlikely supporter of the reparations movement, conservative columnist Michele Malkin takes out her calculator and begins crunching her own reparations numbers. The result? — K-ching!:
A year and a half ago, when this self-pitying business of slavery reparations first took off, I whipped out my own reparations calculator. I urge others to do the same, and start clamoring for your own personal payoff:
My ancestors from the Philippines were enslaved by Spain and forced to build and man the galleons that brought Hispanic explorers to America. During World War II, my relatives were subjected to extreme physical and economic oppression under Japanese occupation. During the 1920s, the states of California and Hawaii imported 50,000 laborers from my ancestral homeland to toil on American farms. Filipinos also worked on agricultural fields in Oregon, Washington, Arizona and Montana. In addition, my people built levees in the San Joaquin Delta and slaved away in fisheries and lumber mills up and down the West Coast in horrid conditions.
During that time of servitude, Filipinos faced rampant societal and governmental discrimination. They were barred from voting, owning land or starting businesses of their own in California. Anti-miscegenation laws in 16 states kept my ancestors from legally marrying white women. Until 1947, it was illegal in California for Filipinos to marry whites. In Alaska, cannery workers from the Philippines were segregated and barred from many establishments that hung signs like ‘No dogs or Filipinos allowed.’
Crunching the reparations numbers, every American of Spanish descent owes me $514,000 plus compound interest. Adjusted for inflation, every fellow countryman of Japanese descent owes $750,222. California residents owe my family an even $300,000. Alaskans, Hawaiians, Oregonians, Washingtonians, Arizonans and Montanans must pay $75,000 to atone. And anyone else — white, black or otherwise — whose family members ingested Filipino-harvested asparagus, peas, cauliflower, onions, tomatoes, grapes or fish, or who burned Filipino-cut firewood, or who lived in homes built of Filipino-sawed lumber from 1923-1947, can settle their debt by sending me a check for $999.99.
Malkin might be on to something here: After all, pyramids don’t just build themselves, you know.
Circle the wagons, my Hebrew brethren! We sons of Abraham need to get paid!
Hold your horses! What about the Huguenots? When are the cheese eating surrender monkeys going to pay up?
And don’t even mention the invasion of the Dorian Greeks!
Dorian Greek? You mean the guy with the portrait?
I’m German-Tatar. I can’t think of anyone I can claim reparations from.
I guess I’ll just have to conquer the damned world again.
I’ve always wondered how I fit in–I’m 1/4 black, 3/4 white. But 1/4 of the white folks in my family tree DID own slaves 150 years ago. The other 1/2 of the whiteys in my family came over to the North from Germany just a few years before the Civil War, and were probably discriminated against since they were Catholics.
So……the former white, slave-owning branch of my family can pay the former slave members while the rest claim money from the damn Protestants?
I’m so confused.
I would like to claim my share of the reparations, but, alas, I am almost pure Anglo-American. Unlike many caucasians whose ancestors arrived on these shores as immigrants after slavery was abolished, I have no such argument to escape the culpability of the sins of my ancestors.
When questioned about my heritage, (some think I am Irish because a recessive gene produced red hair), I invariably respond, “I am Anglo. I have no known vices except my desire to DOMINATE AND RULE THE EARTH.”
So send me your bills for reparations. Although my current net worth is about $25,000 south of solvency, once I dispose of my obligations to Bank of America, Citi Group, Bank One, First USA Bank, Capital One Bank, MBNA Bank, Comerica Bank, CARMAX, Ford Auto Finance, etc., I will send you a check forthwith.
I would like to claim my share of the reparations, but, alas, I am almost pure Anglo-American. Unlike many caucasians whose ancestors arrived on these shores as immigrants after slavery was abolished, I have no such argument to escape the culpability of the sins of my ancestors.
When questioned about my heritage, (some think I am Irish because a recessive gene produced red hair), I invariably respond, “I am Anglo. I have no known vices except my desire to DOMINATE AND RULE THE EARTH.”
So send me your bills for reparations. Although my current net worth is about $25,000 south of solvency, once I dispose of my obligations to Bank of America, Citi Group, Bank One, First USA Bank, Capital One Bank, MBNA Bank, Comerica Bank, CARMAX, Ford Auto Finance, etc., I will send you a check forthwith.
I’m still waiting on my big, fat cashier’s check from Italy for the Romans’ enslavment of my barbarous relatives in Germany. Now granted, the Romans gave my cement-boned, mouth-breathing, pelt-garbed ancestors the rule of law, aqueducts, roads and a viable political structure, but goddammit, none of that counts when it’s time to heap on the guilt and cash out. I just know that if the Romans hadn’t tromped into Germania that I would be a cigar-chomping CEO or highly-paid NFL quarterback by now.
I’m a victim!!
I’m still waiting on my big, fat cashier’s check from Italy for the Romans’ enslavment of my barbarous relatives in Germany. Now granted, the Romans gave my cement-boned, mouth-breathing, pelt-garbed ancestors the rule of law, aqueducts, roads and a viable political structure, but goddammit, none of that counts when it’s time to heap on the guilt and cash out. I just know that if the Romans hadn’t tromped into Germania that I would be a cigar-chomping CEO or highly-paid NFL quarterback by now.
I’m a victim!!
Now hang on to your hats all you who falsely clain to be Caucasian: where do you think you have the gaul to steal my curlture. A caucasian, by race, is one who comes fom the Caucasian Mountains in South East Asia! So all you anglo-saxsons start lining up to give me my check for stealing me from me!