Here, this ought to keep you busy while I’m off today doing my own thing: a list of punchlines.

That’s right. Punchlines. Unattributed punchlines, too. Because to be honest with you, I don’t know any jokes — which is why I’m encouraging you to make up your own. I mean, I’ve already done all of the hard work for you, no?

Now if you’ll excuse me, Real Genius beckons. (And before you even ask, the answer is yes — I can hammer a six-inch spike into a board with it…*).

1. “…and then the bartender said, ‘that’s not a duck (but you can keep right on petting it just the same)!'”

2. “…at which point, Granny whirls on him and says, ‘well if I could walk like that, why on earth would I need the orthopedic shoes? Asshole.”

3. “…wait, strudel? But I could have sworn you said to grab a piece of — [woof! woof!] Er, sorry, Snowball… [Zzzzippp].”

4. “…then he picks up the shoe, points to the bottom, and says, ‘you want to see a conservative soul brother? There’s a conservative sole, brother.'”(Hi, Aaron!)

5. “…so the Rabbi’s wife looks at him and says, ‘I don’t care if it’s Kosher, Shmuel. You simply won’t catch me trying to lift something that big on the Sabbath.'”

6. “…Three. Two to hold the ladder, one to convince the bulb that if it doesn’t join the cause now, it’ll go right on getting screwed for the rest of it’s miserable life.”

7. “…That’s okay. I was just worried that you would maybe, y’know — brush your teeth with it!”

8. “…to which the fine English gentlemen replies, ‘well, at the risk of sounding rude, I believe I can guarantee, with an utmost degree of certainty, that at least one of you has (grunt), shall we say — misplaced his umbrella?'”

9. “…What, you thought maybe I was waiting for change…?'”

10. “…you have to heat them both up before you stick the meat in!”

There.

Prizes to be awarded. In ‘ho cakes. Winky. Dinky. Dog.Okay. I do know a couple of jokes. Here’s one I particularly like: Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because he was dead.