“Ohio authorities are considering felony charges against a business that markets Zippers, a controversial packaged shot of gelatin and alcohol that resembles a children’s Jell-O dessert.

“Anti-drug and alcohol abuse groups have been warning parents about the 24-proof gelatin shots since April. They say Zippers, which are sold legally in Ohio and 25 other states, are targeting young drinkers who are attracted to the colorful packaging and playful names,” USA Today reports.

Yeah. That’s what they’re doing alright — trying to hook ’em while they’re young by making grain alcohol jiggle in a variety of fruit flavors and colors. Nefarious Zippers marketers. Evil, godless, gelatin-abusing cartel.

We’d best ban the things. But we shouldn’t stop there! We should continue on and begin harrassing the marketers of anything shiny or colorful that kids might be drawn to but are not legally permitted to use. Like little red Corvettes, for instance. Those sinister J.D. Powers assholes are due for a good rash of nuissance suits, I should think. I mean, I never trusted those guys, did you? Where are the so-called associates they’re always going on about, anyway?

Of course, by going after the Zippers folk you’ll be harshing the mellow of all us adults who happen to like our booze dispersed amid congealed, fruit-flavored animal dust — though come to think of it, I suppose we can always get our hands on the ingredients separately and make the shit ourselves.

Gee, I wonder if the kids’ll figure out such a brilliant, do-it-yourself workaround….?