Hmm. Better not tell The Fat Guy about any of this…

“Some parents in one Pennsylvania school district are being sent letters that aren’t alerting them about problems with their child’s grades or behavior, but about their weight,” WPVI in Philadelphia reports.

“George Ziolkowski is the director of pupil personnel services for the East Penn School District in Lehigh County. He says school officials have been informing families for a long time about vision and hearing problems — but not about weight.

The district now mails home letters to parents of children who are underweight, overweight or at risk of becoming overweight. The letters encourage parents to contact their child’s school nurse for nutrition and exercise information.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention calls overweight and obesity ‘a public health epidemic.’

There you have it. The frickin’ public school system — long looking for something to do (after deciding mid-way through the 80s that it couldn’t actually educate children all that well) — has decided to throw its hat into the social engineering ring.

Oh yeah, that‘ll turn out well.

Here’s a sample letter mailed home by the Lehigh County school district to parents of “overweight” children (obtained by an undercover protein wisdom operative, who finagled it by posing for three months as a Pennsylvania fat kid; when not working for us, “he’s” actually a 27-year old female phys-ed instructor who lives and works in Coral Gables, FLA). Note: the names have been changed to protect our source:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kruk:

What’s up with Johnny? We realize it’s probably none of our business, but shit, folks! Your boy is freakin’ huge! Surely you’ve noticed this?

Not to alarm you, but the nurse at Johnny’s school informs this office that, of all the 9-year old boys she’s ever examined (and we’re talking, like, years of school-nursing experience here — the ol’ battle-axe is 95 if she’s a day), Johnny is by far the most revoltingly obese child she’s ever prodded or poked or swabbed — not to mention the “clammiest” (her word) and the most “repellent” (ours).

None of the other kids wishes to play with your fat son, Mr. and Mrs. Kruk — and really, who can blame them? By all accounts, the little gob sputters and coughs trying to leg out a single in kickball, wheezes and flops trying to make his way up the stairs, is a sitting duck in Dodgeball, is a lousy speller, and has performed miserably on his multiplication tables — likely because he’s so very doughy and fat. Lardy kids, studies show, are just plain stupid. And even the Surgeon General recently conceded that plump boys smell markedly worse than kids who aren’t quite so sickeningly heavyset. Don’t believe us? Waddle on over to the library and look it up!

So what’s the problem, then? You guys are fat, too, is that it? Or ridiculously poor and unable to afford anything other than fish sticks, Mac-‘n’-Cheese, and Ramen Noodles to feed the little heifer? Hey, it happens. And the Lehigh County School Board understands! Which is why we’ve included (along with this letter) the pamphlet, Sweat Like the Normal Kids Do. In it you’ll find some tips on how to improve Junior’s health (first and foremost, by making his fat ass less repugnant to the attractive and socially successful children in school). We particularly draw your attention to page 2: If You Weren’t So Fat, the Bullies Couldn’t Catch You! — in which is outlined a rigorous 5-step program aimed at convincing that dumpy offspring of yours to mix in a salad every now and then. T’wouldn’t kill you two either, come to think of it…

Please note that the Lehigh County School District does not discriminate against goopy fat kids; in fact, we’ve mailed hundreds of letters just like this one to the parents of those Lehigh County students who we’ve identified as being underweight — a health risk in its own right. Of course, the underweight kids will likely go on to become models, pop singers, professional athletes, etc., — whereas your tubby kid will be living in yours basement until he’s forty five, minimum — downloading porn and whacking off into the dirty clothes when he’s not manning the counter at the local Blockbuster. Consequently, the tone of the letter we send home to the parents of the thin kids is a bit more…uh, congratulatory, than the tone of this letter might appear to be.

But hey, those is the breaks. After all, nobody’s putting a gun to the head of your little sand pig and forcing him to eat entire tubes of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles® in a single sitting, right? The blubbery li’l fuck.

Sincerely,

Dirk Powers, esq.

Chairperson

Lehigh County School Board

East Penn District

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt for you to buy your son some new clothes, either; not to be shallow or anything — our concern is, after all, with your child’s health, nothing more — but some hipper clothes might make your boy less of a target; it’s bad enough that he stands out in the lunch line like a swollen hemorrhoid. The least you could do is stop dressing him in farmer-red flannels and Toughskins, unfortunate fashion choices in the best of circumstances, but in the case of your son, ones that serve doubly to accentuate not only his bad taste, but his remarkable girth as well. Christ.

On the plus side, the packet they sent us did come with a gaggle of free condoms….