“A Tarrant County jury has awarded $300,000 to a woman who claimed that members of her church restrained her and attempted to perform an exorcism on her six years ago,” the Houston Chronicle reports.

“The pastor and several members of Pleasant Glade Assembly of God Church in Colleyville were found liable for abusing and falsely imprisoning Laura Schubert, who was 17 at the time.”

‘This is a situation where religion went real bad,’ Schubert’s father, Tom Schubert, told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram for its Saturday editions.

[…] Schubert’s lawsuit described two nights in June 1996 when church members restrained her, anointed the sanctuary with holy oil, rapped on pews and propped a cross against church doors to keep or drive demons out.

She said the experience led her to mutilate herself and attempt suicide before finally seeking psychiatric treatment.

‘This was not a situation of prayer,’ Schubert, now 23, said. ‘They were trying to commit an exorcism on me.’

Hmm, $300,000* for enduring two nights of Latin babbling from a handful of sanctimonious zealots? Ka-chingggg! Hell, I’m with Father Karros on this one: “Take me. Take me! Come in to me…!”

Really. I’ve got student loans from Hell…

*[Just to put this into perspective, “Scorpio” — the serial murderer of the original Dirty Harry film — demanded from the city of San Francisco $100K to stop his random killings. Man, talk about your inflation…]