Today the Burge-Goldstein ticket received a major boost in this very tight race when Mr. Burge’s press relations office leaked to Bill O’Reilly the details of two major position papers, one dealing with the gas crunch and the other with the status of exotic dancing in Mr. Burge’s home state of Iowa.
Responding to Obama’s recommendation that, rather than falling for the ‘hoax’ of drilling for more oil, Americans ought to maximize the fuel efficiency of their motor vehicles by inflating their tires correctly, Mr. Burge urged greater savings by manipulating the valves that hold air in pneumatic tires, utilized by almost all vehicles that one might find on American highways today, by means of a device called a valve-stem core remover:
Available at any NAPA or Pep Boys for a few bucks, this ingenious energy-saving device has long been an indispensable part of the high school prankster’s toolbox. Now, with an estimated 500,000 Priuses menacing our roadways — each consuming 300 gallons of Earth-raping gasoline per year — it is a key weapon in our battle for energy independence. Here’s how it works:ÂÂ
- Locate nearby Priuses, starting with the one with the thickest layer of bumper stickers.
- Make sure Prius is not moving, and the area is free of police and surveillance cameras.
- Remove valve cap, starting with passenger side rear.
- Insert brass end of core remover tool into center of valve.
- Turn counterclockwise until core is removed. You should hear a loud “wooshing” sound and within a few seconds Prius tire pressure should be at its correct 0 p.s.i.
- Repeat steps 3-5 on each tire until Prius is completely inoperable, taking care to keep valve stem cores in safe place such as pocket or nearby ravine bushes.
Just think — if we all remain vigilant and do our part, we can save America up to 150,000,000 gallons of gasoline per year! Not to mention reduced slow-moving retard congestion in America’s HOV lanes.
When it comes to automobiles, polls show that the vast majority of bitter Americans trust Burge’s knowledge over Obama’s.  In a recent Gallup, 73 percent of registered voters stated that they do not believe that Obama knows how to change the oil in his car.  Nor would they trust him with a timing belt replacement or front-end alignment.  In fact, some 64% of respondents felt it would be “entertaining” to watch the presumptive Democratic nominee attempt to change a windshield wiper, rather than “informative.”
On the other big issue of the day, Burge plays to populist sentiment by upholding Iowa’s exemption for exotic dancers on grounds of artistic merit:
Despite the adolescent snickers and guffaws this story has generated, we all need to all grow up and realize that the naked human body is a thing of beauty, something to be aesthetically enjoyed and revered. Indeed, some of Western Civilization’s greatest works of art — from the Greeks to the Renaissance to the Impressionists — have celebrated the human form in motion. We must heed the Muse Terpsichore, and not allow society’s blue nosed puritans to rob us of our rich cultural legacy. This is why I have always fully supported Iowa’s nude dancing exemption for theaters, concert halls, museums, QuikTrips, and so forth. This is also why I have petitioned the Iowa Supreme Court to overturn my recent conviction.
Pleasure seekers interviewed at Solon Beef Days by this reporter overwhelmingly supported Burge.
Below the fold, JD’s report on his golf outing with Alpuccino:
JD and Alp
Great day. Started off with the inevitably awkward meeting of 2 guys that are internet
friends.
#1 – Al hits it on the screws. JD is laughing so hard he hit a duck hook. Advantage
Al.
#2 – Al is the heather, while JD ropes one. Al misses his second birdie putt.
Shot.
#3 – Al to 12 feet. Misses birdie putt. Again. JD in bunker but doesn’t care.
#4 – Al hits a monster drive. JD laughing so hard he hits his tee shot about 18
yards. But JD makes his putt.
#’s 5-9 Al misses birdie putt. JD is laughing so hard he hooks, slices, and
nearly misses the ball.
At the turn, Al hits on the drink girl, feels up the clubhouse attendant, and moons
the starter.
Back 9 – Al continues to rope the ball, and in a deja vu that repeats itself 18
times, misses putts. Meanwhile, JD has given up on breaking 90, and in doing so,
starts playing golf.
#18 – Par 5, 540 yards. JD hits his best drive of the day, while laughing hysterically,
and Al hits it 40 yards further just to show off. JD hits over the green into a
short sided bunker in 2, blasts out to 15 feet, and rolls in a putt for birdie.
Al misses yet another birdie putt. Short.
What a great round of golf with great company.
Then, Al came over for dinner. Better Half’s mother cooked an authentic Vietnamese
meal for Al, and we watched him put Vietnamese hot sauce on his food like ketchup,
and then sweat through a meal. About half way through, Thuy got him a fork, as
it was painful to watch him eat rice one grain at a time with the chopsticks.
Wish everyone could have the opportunity to meet Al. Again, every bit as funny
in person.
I am very glad to see you. I will read your post now.
People keep telling me I should get a Prius. I live two blocks from work and they know this. I remind them I live two blocks from work, and they say… so? Also, none of these people drive Priuses. But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo…
Anything but a scooter, hf.
A nice Harley would give you the added benefit of lifestyle change..
I’ll stick with a 4′ length of old garden hose and a gas can.. I can liberate 11.9 gallons of gas at a shot from these liberal fascists.. enough to get my SUV another hundred miles down the road.. and they’re so tickled with how green they’re being that they don’t even notice their miles per tank drops to about 10… It’s just the price you pay live in harmony with Mother Earth..
No.. better a Vespa than a Smart Car..
So now we demonize Obama because he’s not a full service drone at a gas station.
Solon Beef Days, hmmmm … plate sized pork tenderloins at Joney’s
Yes, we’re demonizing him because he’s worse than Hitler. Or maybe people are making fun of a feeble response to gas and oil supply problems. I’d go with demonizing, because it makes Obama more of a victim, thus more deserving of sympathy and votes. And its very drama-y.
Not demonizing, cynn. We are ridiculing him for pandering to the ignorant.
Amen, serr8d. My Harley got almost 45 mpg.
How many Obama aides does it take to change a windshield wiper? Or an incandescent light bulb?
300?
Mr. Burge has unfortunately left out an important part of the process, this product. Rolled thin and placed in the proper orifice, it can prevent the Devil Machine from resuming its Gaia-raping ways, at least until the stems are replaced.
Regards,
Ric
JD
We got a fatboy!
So now we demonize Obama because he’s not a full service drone at a gas station.
cynn, maybe I can fix that for Baracky.
It’s possible that maybe Swifty might have an a opening..
drone
1. the male of the honeybee and other bees, stingless and making no honey.
2. a remote control mechanism, as a radio-controlled airplane or boat.
3. a person who lives on the labor of others; parasitic loafer.
4. a drudge.
TSK9 – I am jealous. I sold my ’69 FLH and my lowrider last year. Sad sad sad sad sad sad, did I mention it was a sad day?
So, what’s the deal, Dan?
Inquiring minds.
We all know why Dan hates Priuses, because he lives in hostile terrain to machine and human alike. He’ll never understand the tribulations nor the concerns of Southern Americans (pre-season rank of 65th!, blasphemy!).
Cranky, I wish I could add more to what’s already been written, but I think it’s best that I don’t. I hope to see everyone back posting here soon, but it’s out of my hands.
Closure is for pansies.
Shewt, I swapped out the radiator in my ’79 Corolla after it sprang a leak three weeks before I was fixin’ to sell it. Plastic core, too, so I couldn’t have it welded.
Bet Obama’s never done that.
Apropos of something, does anyone out there have experience with firewall ALGs? I need to know something about the one called p2pe. Can’t find anything about it on the whole innertube.
JD
I feel your pain.
Dear dicentra;
Not sure if you still need any help, but possibly these might be of some use…
http://www.ieee802.org/3/efm/public/jul02/p2mp/yoo_p2mp_1_0702.pdf
Burge for President 2008! At least we’ll die laughing!
I’d like to hijack this space to bust some of the myths that are floating around about JD.
He is not 8 feet tall
Lightning bolts to not shoot out of his arse.
His house is not a big Colts helmet with a football shaped garage.
He does not wear a T-shirt that says “Mendacious Douchenozzle”
He does, however, putt like a Samari.
He rolls Big Willie style with the phat crib and the fly rides.
He’s got a beautiful family who welcomed me into their home.
He’s an excellent host and as an added touch, his Mother-in-Law, who, by the way, can turn a piece of shrimp into a portal to another world where flavors that only God has tasted are kept hidden, sent me on my way with a “It was nice to meet you. Here, put these spring rolls in your pockets.” followed by a gentle pat and squeeze of the left buttock.
All in all, a great day. Thanks JD!
My turn! My Turn! *waves hands*
Thanks, Al. I appreciate you not rubbing it in about how badly you beat me. I went through a stretch on the front nine where I skipped a drive across a pond, hit the golf cart from the tee box, and then drove into the group on the green behind us.
Really I saw it less as a competition and more as just two old silverback gorillas roaming the mountainside, foraging for golf balls.
That is so racist. Gorillas?
I meant that as a joke. You know, calling two white guys “gorillas” to show how lefties view righties view of people of color. You know, being absurd to show the absurdity.
.
.
.
BARBARIC!!
I dunno Al, I think you’re making some comment about golf not being a black man’s sport. DENOUNCED.
I dunno Al, I think you’re making some comment about golf not being a black man’s sport. DENOUNCED.
Then I want a Mulligan.
All joking aside, that was as fun of a round of golf I have played in years.
Same here. Even though the lemonade-cart girls were nowhere to be found. They must have known that we were a couple of tee-totaling honkey gaylords. In a good way.
Al – I think the strippers, errrrrr caddies, more than made up for the lack of drink cart girls, no?
No question in my mind. Divot repair was never more gratifying.
That does it. Burge-Goldstein it is.
What the hell happened to my wee caddies? I paid those guys in advance fer cryin’ out loud!
To get out faster, unscrew and remove the valve cap. Take a tiny pebble and drop it in the cap and then screw it back on loosely. This will gradually let the air out, silently and stealthily.
I don’t trust myself to change the timing belt in my car. If done wrong, the pistons and valves can try to occupy the same space at the same time. Rumor has it that this is unpleasant and expensive.
The price of gas, and the amount of salt on the roads in winter may mean the car won’t last long enough for me to find out how expensive changing that belt will be.
I should have married a rich woman like JFK. I would have stayed home and done my bit to save the planet, instead of going to work.
BJ – I used them as tees. When striking a driver off the top of a dwarf’s head, one tends to pull the ball.
Little fuckers do not do a very good job of sitting still while you are trying to tee off. The blue Oompa Loompa got a mouthful of Taylor Made on #6 because he flinched.
[…] may read more on JD and Alp’s excellent golf adventure here, below the fold. Posted by Dan Collins @ 9:28 am | Trackback SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “No […]
Thanks, Dan.
Ok, well, hey you guys! I posted this query on ‘J.G. Indispensable Blogger, etc”:
“Holed out from a bunker on 18, eh? Good on ya, mann.
Putt count 36+/-? Best drive of the day, hole #? Al’s best, same? Best shot from the planning and execution standpoint?”
So?
JD, are you the tall one? You played D-1 basketball, correct?
Because the sunglasses on the forehead is comic genius. That has to be Al.
Sorry I missed it. ‘course given the way I play golf, I’d still be working my way back to the first fairway.
Ah! Below the fold. Thanks.
Did you pen the play-by-play, Dan? Also truly hilarious.
Not at all, JHoward. That was JD.
Burge/Goldstein ’08!
“He’s NOT insane!”
Dread Cthulhu in 2008
No more years!!
Putt count 36+/-? Best drive of the day, hole #? Al’s best, same? Best shot from the planning and execution standpoint?â€Â
Sdferr – I had 4 one putts, and no 3 putts. Best drive – Both of us on 18, though Al was 40 yards past me. I did not hole the bunker shot for birdie, I had to make a putt for that. But that sand shot was my best shot of the day. For Al, he had several great iron shots.
Obstinate Infidel – I was a walk-on, and Al was taller than me. Sunglasses on the forehead was me.
JHoward – Thanks.
WOW, that is so cool JD – ALP got together, good for you guys.
Which reminds me. I’ll never smoke weed with Willie again.
TSK9 – Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Not as cool as getting a new FatBoy, but cool.
#25
Did I say “p2pe”? That was a typo: I meant n2pe; n2p is Net2Phone, but I don’t know what n2pe is. But thanks, Greg, just the same.
You’re the glasses on the forehead? Seriously, you looked like the funny one. Not that you’re not funny, but well, al is al. I’m glad you guys had a good time. Bastards.
Obstinate Infidel – Yup, I am the ugly bald dude with the glasses on his forehead. Al knows where his eyes are. I admit that I look funny.
Racists.
LMC: Yea it sounded like those two guys were playing at a level I left 10 years and 75 Lbs ago. Why don’t you and I pair up with Al and JD this fall. We can be the suck team that drinks heavily.
How’d you golf with him? I imagine “the funnies” would be occurring at lightning pace. Where’d you walk on?
We met up here in Indy, Infidel. He was in the proximity for work, and we just made some time to walk the links. The funnies were ever present. His persona in real life mirrors his on here. I was a walk on at Illinois.
Hey guys, did my name ever come up while you we’re bantering and otherwise engaging in witty repartee on the links?
You know, like, “Hey alp, my new good friend, you know who I wish would comment more at PW? kelly. Guy cracks me up.” Alp nods and says, “Yep, JD, my new good friend, ain’t that the truth.” And then you find yourselves getting a little misty-eyed and then a little embarrassed?
Cuz’ that’s how I kind of thought might happen.
kelly – It is like you are psychic. Fucking amazing. Except for the misty-eyed part.
Right fucking ON!
I did learn that al has a bit of a crush on Sashal. Odd.
Wow, JD! That goes with nishi having a crush on you!
BJTex – Words cannot describe how evil that was. I would rather go swimming in a pool full of Oompa Loompas dressed up like demonic maniacal clowns than to ever even contemplate such a horrific idea such as the vileness you spewed in #72.
Though I have to tell you, once the Oompa Loompas learned to quit moving, they made excellent golf tees.
MarkD,
You’re lucky if it’s a belt. My Grand Cherokee is $720 just for parts (3 ea; chains, gears, guides & tensioners.)
OK, start spilling, JD.
Did the word “sugartits” ever pop up? Like, “nice drive, sugartits”? Who did more denouncing? Like, “I gotta denounce that chip out of the bunker”? And, were you two able to explore the semiotics of a little white ball?
Throw us a friggin’ bone, here!
The word sugartits was muttered, yelled, exclaimed, and grumbled several times over the course of the round. The fat Irish dude ahead of us thought we were talking about his man-boobs, or moobs, if you will.
The semiotics of a little white ball? No, we did not discuss the testicular size of Al. A little white ball? What kind of sick racist are you? Al used pink Flying Ladies.
There was one bit that was a little odd, and more than a little bit un-nerving. Every time I had the tee, Al seemed to be uttering “Dirty Sanchez” under his breath. It made my tempo get rushed. I was scared.
How about a dimpled little white ball? Also, is there any truth to the rumor that Al wore a Speedo for the round?
He swore that he had on a crochet banana hammock, but never dropped trou to prove it, except when he was mooning the starter. Giving the old guy the brown-eyed wink forced one to chant “avert your eyes, avert your eyes”, so I cannot confirm nor deny the marblesack man-thong. He does strike me as a leopard print thong kind guy, a little bow-chicka-wa-wa in that boy’s stride.
dicentra, what exactly are you looking for with regard to that n2pe stuff?
I can neither confirm nor deny.