While we’re on this subject of Christmas shopping, time now for my annual Christmas tips for men.Again, ladies, sorry to appear sexist, but you clearly know your way around a mall. We men don’t.
So, guys, completely free of charge, my tips to help you through the rush:
Tip 1: Don’t buy anything on sale
Your wife or girlfriend will know you got it on sale and assume you don’t find her worth paying full price.
Tip 2: Don’t be offended women buy on sale
Don’t be offended this rule doesn’t work in reverse. Women will get your gift on sale, because they don’t find you worth paying full price. Get over it.
Tip 3: Don’t buy lingerie
I know that sounds crazy. But while even the most romantic woman might find it sexy, she’s more inclined to think you’re a pervert. And you’re selfish. After all, this isn’t for her. It’s for you. And you’re a pig, which you are, but again, why bother confirming you’re a pig and a selfish one at that?
Tip 4: Avoid anything with the label “As Seen on TV”
We love that stuff. They don’t.
Tip 5: Avoid meat and cheese products
Even women who like meat and cheese products, and sadly that’s not many, hate it when you think food is a way to their hearts. It’s the other way around, Sparky. Men are that way. Not women.
Tip 6: Don’t make your gift
Unless you’re Bob the builder, you’ll screw it up and she’ll just think you’re too cheap to buy her something yourself. Besides, making things worked for Michael Landon on “Little House on the Prairie,” news flash: you’re no Michael Landon. Again, get over it.
Tip 7: If all else fails, diamonds
They’re the bomb. Women love them. And in any form, earrings, necklaces, pendants. Be careful with rings though.
Because the diamond thing can backfire, if you’re buying a girlfriend something with diamonds but it isn’t a ring, and maybe she was hoping to get a ring, and you get her a stupid pendant. Trust me, she will stick that pendant in you.
So don’t go there, you’d have been better off carving a hand-made cabinet loaded with meat and cheese products than committing that faux pas.
But again, in most all other cases, and for almost all married men, diamonds can’t fail.But I digress. Happy shopping, guys. And Merry Christmas.
Most of this is sound advice, I think.  On the other hand, if you’d like to know how we rate, guys, here’s a hint:
Richard John, the Worthing based online hair care and beauty product retailer, have a range of Paul Mitchell pet care products that will give your much loved pet the salon treatment. For example, the Paul Mitchell Tearless Pet Shampoo has been formulated for puppies and kittens with sensitive skin to help condition and bring shine to their coats. But I don’t think it will help you to get your kitten or cat into the bath!Whilst thinking about pampering your pet you might also give some thought to the man (or men) in your life. ÂÂ
Perfume: yes. Lingerie: no. I just had to tell my husband this tonight.
Tip 3: Don’t buy lingerie
Even at a bar. Trust me.
I gave lingerie once, for a birthday. She responded by asking me where HER present was. When I was still single, I once bought a girl I was dating a sliding compound miter saw, a 55 gallon trash can, and a toaster. We broke up very shortly thereafter.
What’s this mall you speak of ?
If I bought my wife diamonds she’d wonder what the hell I’d been smoking. She hates ’em. She’s not big on jewelry of any kind, but what little she has is all colored stones.
I made her engagement ring, as it happens. Must’ve worked… we’re going on 17 years.
Gift card to Home Depot please.
Christmas diamonds most men will buy are promotional-grade crap. Do not buy your wife diamonds. Buy her Judith Jack Marcasite before you buy her crap diamonds. Buy her scent, your favorite…it’s like she marked you, chicks dig that.
And an iphone is nice. Girls like those if you are feeling spendy. Stuffed badgers are really romantic.
I think you might want to get around to marrying her…
Oh… and if wife/girl friend is so inclined, consider a generous gift cert to a really nice spa.
In So Cal it’s Glen Ivy all the way. A day there is like having a mini resort vacation.
I hate shopping for my better half, as she already has everything she wants. If you put 500 outfits in front of me, and asked me which one she would like, I would pick the only one that she most certainly hates. The Tiffany store has been successful for the past 2 years, but three years in a row almost seems like cheating.
.
I just peed myself. Seriously.
So, was there a lingerie sale in the bar, or a bar in the lingerie shop. Either way, novel idea.
Here in Indy, there is a group of busy-bodies protesting Victoria’s Secret, saying that having lingerie on mannequins sends the wrong message to kids. Because, you know, it is all about the children. Fuck, is there anything that these people will not mess with? They switched all of the mannequins into pajamas in an attempt to satisfy these people, but that is likely just going to embolden them to go after something else that they find objectionable.
The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
“Comment by N. O’Brain on 12/4 @ 6:09 am #
The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest”
Maybe for you,but the fastest way to MY heart involves a whole different part of my anatomy.
It’s the part you use to take down any mirrors that one is likely to see after taking a shower.
My old lady’s getting a gun this year. Kinda like a Home Depot gift card, only in .380 ACP.
Those mannequins are just doing the jobs real American women won’t do.
Here in MA, the Victoria’s Secret are doing the PJ promotion thing too. I think it’s just a nationwide.
Techie – CNN did a shoot of the store, and the manager of the store is one of my wife’s best friends. They raced to put the PJ’s in the window when they heard CNN was on the way.
Who in their right mind would protest Vicky’s Secret?
“Who in their right mind would protest Vicky’s Secret?”
No one.
“Who in their right mind would protest Vicky’s Secret?‒
Dagnabit. The terrorists really have won.
Oh, BJ. If you ever want to see white hot anger, give your girlfriend a 55 gallon trash can for Christmas.
Fucking moral terrorists. This lady was on the local news last night. She is serious about organizing against the Vicky’s Secret store. She said she lets her son walk to the ice cream store by himself, and he has to walk past Vicky’s Secret. She said that lingerie on a mannequin exposes him to things that he is not yet ready to experience.
This lady is unfit to parent, in my opinion.
At least, one that’s not filled with chocolate…
Jim in KC – That probably would have worked out better for me. As is, she still hates me with the intensity of 7 suns.
Christmas is unfair to men because of the pressure it puts on us. As usual, women make up the gifting rules as they go.
JD – Some women just don’t appreciate practical.
Okay, Vicky’s Secret “Fashion” show is over. Where were we?
Practical. Yes, practical. Who would not love a heavy duty trash can, practically indestructible? And a compound sliding miter saw, absolutely indispensible.
So, based on the prevelence of these sentiments, I can only conclude that women are shallow, violent, spoiled, materialistic bitches and pity the poor man dumb enough to become involved with one.
J.O. – You could conclude that, but it would be physically impossible for you to be further from the truth. If you answer was that women are interesting, strange, exotic, thoughtful, caring, complex, beautiful creatures that make men better people, then, maybe you would be close to right.
JD – Your wife’s reading, right? If the trashcan is in a cute shade of plastic, what’s the problem? It doesn’t plug in or anything. I thought that was the test.
daley – She is out of town, but may be reading. Honey, if you happen to be reading this tonight, rest assured, I am not, I repeat, not buying you a trash can, no matter how much daleyrocks tries to talk me into it. I did that once, to someone other than you, and the only good thing that came of it was that I was no longer dating her when I met you, which is a pretty damn good thing, no?
My husband rolled the dice for my birthday and gave me seven sealed cards, to be opened in order. They took me to a nice solitary breakfast, to a Camden train station, to NYC, to a cab line, to a particular intersection, to Tiffany’s… where my gift was waiting. Last card: go out onto the street and wave your hand as if you’re hailing a cab, and the rest of your day and how to get home will become clear to you. (He was waiting on the street outside Tiffany’s – had driven in while I was at breakfast and getting to the train station – and had been madly calling all kinds of people who might unsuspiciously call me and ask me how my “special day” was going, so he could keep tabs on where I was. Just as he got through to my sister, he saw me get out of the cab. We spent the rest of the day wandering around, following our noses wherever we felt like going. Absolutely the best, most fun, most romantic gift I’ve ever received, even without the jewelry. Pressure’s on for next year, though.)
And a compound sliding miter saw
Hey, JD: can I be your girlfriend? Just keep in mind that there will be no sex before marriage, and that I believe in long, long, long engagements (decades).
Sure, Spies. Just know that I am not so good at remembering birthdays, holidays, anniversarys, Valentine’s Day, and any other “day” that I am, in general, supposed to remember.
I am thinking about buying my 6 year old daughter a 12″ table saw with an internal vacuum system for Christmas. Or, a mammoth air compressor.
“Pressure’s on for next year, though.”
The first Val’s Day my wife and I were dating I took her to Cafe des Artistes on 66th Street in Manhattan. We had a seven course meal, and I dropped about $400. She looked at the bill and cringed, and I said, “Honey, next year you’re getting a card.”
Jamie – If my better half reads that, you can tell your hubby that I officially hate him. ;-)