My father is in the hospital recovering from a triple bypass. He is 81. No spring chicken, but his mind is still good and his health overall is really pretty good for his age. I am not with him right now, but my older sister is. My brother was able to visit last weekend and will visit again this weekend. I will be traveling to be with him the entire month of December. Since I work for a software startup company, and I am already far from the owner of the company anyway, it doesn’t matter where I work. I have my laptop, will travel.We tend to keep a close eye on our family when they are in the hospital. We track what they’re getting in the I.V.s. We make sure that it looks like the nurses know what they’re doing. We tend to spend a lot of time near whoever is in there. For instance, I was in the hospital 18 years ago, and most of the time my family was around, often in the room, even when I was in ICU. The nurses learned to live with it.
I tell you this not to elicit sympathy or concern, but merely to set up what happened the other night.
Apparently the night nurse on Sunday was inexperienced. A few others showed up. They were all fiddling with my father’s temporary pacemaker (which has since been removed) and asking each other if what they were doing was correct. That made my sister worry, so she found the supervisor and asked why these trainees were taking care of my father. She was first informed that they were not “trainees,†but in fact R.N.s. My sister corrected her; sure they have a degree, but that doesn’t mean they know what they’re doing yet. Somehow she decided that my sister should talk to a social worker. My sister, assuming that this social worker would have something constructive to say, agreed.
The first thing the social worker asked was if my father had a living trust. Yes, he does. My sister informed him that she has power of attorney for his medical issues (I have it for the financial side). He then told her that she was too close to him. He also told her that at his age every day he lives is a blessing. She told him that she would continue to be there, that my brother would be there again, and that I would be there the entire month of December to help take care of my father. My other sister will be there in January.
The social worker was stunned by this. Here, then is where my rant begins.
I think I can safely assume this social worker guy is a liberal. I have never met one who isn’t. Apparently we’re supposed to just stand by while The Doctors ™ and The Nurses ™ do their thing, and thank our lucky stars they will do their jobs. And, of course, when they are through The State ™ will take over to make sure our aging father will be “well cared-for†for the rest of his life. Presumably so we can go on about our lives and not even think about our parents as they slowly drift off.
What a crock of shit. The way I was raised, family comes first, before all other concerns (except perhaps G-d, but I think He understands). It is not a burden at all to be there for him. I’m happy to do it. He took care of me, and in fact still does sometimes when he can and I need help. I sure as hell won’t give up on him yet, like I am apparently supposed to do.
These are the kind of people who want to decide things for us. They make me sick. I told my sister that if I had been there, I probably would have punched the guy out. Certainly, in my current mood, which isn’t great due to a lack of sleep, my concern, and a previously emptied patience tank, it is very possible that I would have done my best to break his jaw. If not, perhaps a nicely bleeding broken nose would have sufficed. That’s about as much concession I have in me.
One final note. My sister, annoyed that my father’s primary care physician had yet to visit him, called him up and left a message to the effect that he had better get his act together. He didn’t go in person, but he did call my father. My father informed him that after he gets out he is coming after the Doctor with a baseball bat.
That made me proud.
But after that conversation my father did indeed feel better, less abandoned. It doesn’t take all that much to make a difference. I think the fact that the family is there can be the difference between recovering and giving up.
They would just as soon you stayed away. You know how quick the left, easing into their culture of death (over the top? you be the judge), are happy to throw the pre-born and the old to the wolves.
This was cross-posted to my site
cranky,
Your dad and your family are in my prayers (not that it means a whole lot). As someone who’s scraped and clawed to get my schizophrenic son taken care of, and not dismissed, and not swept aside, and not let get by with “good enough,” I understand what you’re up to, and what you’re up against.
Mom’s dad was an attorney in Chicago, and he had some pretty strong convictions, apart from his idolatry of Lincoln. As a result, one famous night Mom and Dad were out dining with another couple who had family trouble: “Do you know what’s become of our beautiful girl?” the father asked with tears in his eyes. “Oh, my goodness,” said my mother. “Not, not . . . a social worker?”
Well, in fact she’d been assumed into a weirdo California cult and later committed suicide with some of the others. And I’ve known some dedicated social workers, too, against all odds. But many, many are like the grief counselor in “Little Miss Sunshine.”
Social workers are people who took many many hours of sociology classes seriously. They are not like the other people you know.
haps! I hope you never have reason to know as many social workers as I have. Some of them are damned nice people. Damned!
Anyway, sent you a tune.
I’ve noticed lately that on TV and in other subtle ways, this idea that you should stick it out when death looks to be stalking the doorway, or when a child has extra needs, or whatever, that your life Just Ended, you poor thing, and isn’t it too bad? Wow, if only there were something we could do to prevent such irredeemably bad things from happening… koff::eugenics::koff
This theme crops up in my absolute favorite show, House M.D., though it’s a little forgivable because Dr House is not exactly an optimist and his point of view tends to prevail. But they had an autistic kid in one ep whose parents both left their jobs to take care of him full time. They showed the parents as trapped in a hopeless situation, doomed to spend years dealing with an unresponsive kid, grasping at any straw that indicates that the kid is opening up ever so little!
All of the doctors pitied the parents. No mention or hint of how situations like that, because they are difficult and painful, teach you what’s important in life, and most important, what love really is.
Hollywood, and increasingly the culture at large, is infected with this attitude that if the relationship is too hard, if it’s not rewarding in the ordinary ways, then your life is Forever Ruined.
Unless you’re Dana Reeve, in which case you can be celebrated for Standing By Your Man. But for the rest of us, we’d be better off without the burdens.
You just watch: eugenics will make a comeback.
dicentra,
True, but those who love don’t really give a rat’s. Plus, Dana Reeve did the right thing. People ask us, blah blah blah, how do you manage . . . etc. Love. I mean it’s easy, even though it’s kind of hard.
And that goes for Michael Berube and his beautiful wife, Janet, the former of whom I fought with a couple of days ago. Ah, well.
Ok. I remember some being nice – I accidentally worked as a manager in a psych center for a year once in a corner of the country where they definitely weren’t the best and brightest. Still, they… oh. I think these ones were just really stupid may be a big part of the deal.
That song… it’s about going home and not just to visit either. You’re mean.
I got the whole song and it’s on my playlist now so we’ll see.
True. I am. That’s why everyone loves me.
dicentra – I’m not so sure exactly. Family is the most important thing is a big narrative staple. In Supernatural, the one brother sticks by the other brother even though the other brother has lost his soul to darkness and is going to be delivered unto hell in less than a year. It’s hopeless, but he still keeps trying to save him. Prison Break is all about how you never walk away from your family just cause they are in various hopeless prison situations, and Reaper teaches you that you can forgive your Mom and Dad even if they sell your soul to Satan himself and you’re pretty much stuck working at Home Depot and living at home for the rest of your life. And the Bionic Woman and her ginormous forehead have made it pretty clear that their first priority will always be the witless little sister. And that’s just from what’s on deck here right now. The TV only wants what’s best for us, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like that.
I was just kidding. Good song.
Cranky, best to you & dad & family. With a feisty attitude like that, he’ll see the shady side of ninety.
The TV only wants what’s best for us, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like that.
Why yes, feets, you’re right. I should do better and trust in TV more. It’s just that the only show I can make time for lately is House, and wild horses couldn’t get me to stop watching it. Unless I could make arrangements to make Hugh Laurie my Personal Physician.
Ahem.
Oh, and cranky-d, your father is lucky to have dedicated kids like you. If/when my dad can’t take care of himself, I’m not sure I’ll be able to muster the will to care for him, given that I haven’t spoken to him in 3 years. (He was abusive, personality disorder, etc.)
All the best…
Aw, gosh, dicentra.
Love, Dan
I admit, if my father had abused me, I might not be so passionate about it. Instead, he liked to trick us. When I was young, he used to tell me that every fourth child born is Chinese. I am the fourth child. Therefore, he had me convinced I was Chinese.
Whatever you might think of that, it is very hard to fool me now.
Hang in there, Cranky!
Your story sounds oh so familiar. I’ve several times encountered astonishingly arrogant folks in the medical professions. I can’t help but employ a little pop psych and theorize that when someone has a high level of education and holds people’s lives in their hands it’s easy to start feeling omniscient and omnipotent. Couple this with a good dose of defensiveness from the inevitable failures and they’re a short step from becoming very annoyed if anyone questions them or their judgment, not just on medical issues but on every issue. Perhaps this explains why so many in the medical professions have such horrible bedside manners and are so utterly unreceptive to questioning and disagreement on any topic.
Of course this applies to many others in positions of power. How a mere insect deals with such godlike creatures is another question.
There have been some actual studies about medical malpractice in hospitals and among the lessons is that people who don’t closely observe their treatment and question what is occurring have a higher rate of malpractice. Keep them on their toes and kick that social worker in the tail.