9 things that did not happen to me as a young man that I’ve come to claim (at one time or ano
Got into a fist fight with Nicholas Cage (nee Coppola) on a beach near* San Mateo, California, c. 1982. Lost the fight, but got in several good shots — including one that bloodied his ear. Elisabeth Shue was involved.
Sexed up a jack-o-lantern carved to look like Tawny Kitaen.
Hit 3 homeruns in a minor league baseball game while playing shortstop for the Hagerstown Suns, 1985; was forced to retire from baseball after suffering ligament damage fending off an alligator, Vero Beach, Florida, 1986.
Ate eleven live gold fish during “Greek Week,” 1988. Later vomited. Incredibly, one of the gold fish was still alive.
Invited on stage to help with the “humming” section of “Melt With You” during a Modern English concert, Ocean City, MD, 1986. Later partied with the band, who drank many many Mickey’s Big Mouths and smoked many many Tiparillo cigars.
Bowled a perfect game. While drunk. And seriously shrooming.
Twins? Been there, done that. Like, five or six different times, too.
Spent two weeks doing stand-up at The Comedy Factory, Lombard St., Baltimore, 1984. Worked with Sam Kinison and Tim Allen. Bothered by the cigarette smoke, so I turned down an offer to headline. Decided to become a writer, instead.
Donated one of my kidneys to this sick kid I knew named Nathan. When he died a year later, got the kidney back.
17 Replies to “9 things that did not happen to me as a young man that I’ve come to claim (at one time or ano”
mmm…. Tawny Kitaen…. not now but in the early 80s of course
If #9 is a thinly-veiled analogy to my using your Movie Quote meme, I just thought I’d inform you: you ain’t gettin it back.
Did I mention that he died a year later…?
You’re saying the kidney was no good, then?
No. Mysteriously enough, he died from an accidental shovel wound to the head. A month later I was drinking again.
A shovel, eh? Someone was getting sloppy, or perhaps amateur night was in session?
See, an icepick behind the ear delays discovery and gives time for conspiracy theories to throw off the scent.
#7: Not those girthy ones on motor-scooters pictured in the Guinness Book of World Records… right…?
Oh yeah, I had them. Like disappearing into a two ton vat of butter. Only with tongues.
A beach in San Mateo? Did anyone believe that claim after the beginning geographic faux pas?
No?
Twins? How pedestrian.
With triplets, you always have someone to keep the camcorder tight on the action.
With quadruplets, you have someone to bring everyone some orange juice and finger sandwiches every hour.
With quintuplets, you’re screwed. One of them always has Down’s Syndrome.
I only listed 9. But the well ain’t dry, pal.
BH – that was the funniest blog comment that I’ve read in ages.
Sorry… didn’t mean to be anal about the geography. I’ll leave that for Wonkette.
Maybe on the ocean side of the peninsula, but none on the bay side. Salt ponds, wildlife preserves yes. Beaches no. ‘Near’ was a good touch.
Thanks Bill. I was going to go with “one of them is always Chinese” for the quintuplets.
Jeff’s #9 got my creative juices flowing.
Damn, I’m going to have to work on enhancing my lies.
Did you know I went to school with the kid from “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” ?
No, really.
Give me back my fucking kidney, you Jew.
Regards,
Nathan S. ( The S is silent.)