Well, they wouldn’t be the left if they didn’t find in principled opposition to the overweening attempts by an egocentric billionaire to legislate away one of our natural rights well beyond his own city some sort of ulterior motive by fringe constitutionalists and teabaggers. This time, it’s our Jew hate. Which we’re camouflaging in our pretend outrage at common-sense gun regulations being pushed nationally by a kindly rich Hebe who

They don’t exist. They are a convenient fiction, a chimera, an Obama growth plan, a faerie riding a unicorn on the way to slay dragons with the help of a misunderstood troll. And each and every time you fall for their easy and empty political bromides — be it in West Virginia or Colorado or Pennsylvania or Michigan, etc. — they will use that opportunity to rob you of some

Unfortunately, because of the sequester, we likely don’t have the money to pay for these things. So we’re handing out “comprehensive immigration reform” instead — the specifics of which you need not worry your little heads about. I mean, that’s why you elected the important people, right? And besides, why do you hate brown people who just want to live the American Dream? Of climbing aboard the welfare wagon and

If it’s not me, it’s Leno. So. May as well be me, right? Which reminds me: anybody have an extra $250K they can lend me?