June 20, 2007

"Answer me, God"

St James Presbyterian Church in Littleton, CO wondered, “If you could ask God one question, what would it be?” — an exercise that drew hundreds of responses, most of them (sadly) quite predictable.

Notes the Rocky Mountain News, “the 10 most-asked questions will be sermon grist for the next 10 Sundays.”

The results:

  1. What’s my life all about?
  2. Why are some people healed and others not?
  3. Will you really forgive me?
  4. Why do you allow disasters, violence, tragedies, and war?
  5. What’s your plan for the world?
  6. Do you love me? And, if so, why?
  7. Why are there so many religions in the world?
  8. What’s your will for my life?
  9. Why is there suffering, and why does it have to happen to children?
  10. What happens after we die?

Not the questions I would have asked — I probably would have gone with something like, “tell the truth, when you invented silicone, you were thinking about breast implants, weren’t you?”, or maybe “Is it true that if you didn’t exist, I’d be forced to invent you rather than, say, a lifelike replica of Elle McPherson for my study?” — but then, I’m a bit edgy that way, and besides, me and the Big [Gender Neutral Diety] have that kind of friendly rapport.

Still, the St James experiment got me thinking: as a way to gauge pw readership, I’d be interested to know the one question you all would ask God (accepting, for the sake of argument, that there is in fact a God, and that he’d stop whatever kind of truly interesting cosmic shit he was into to answer a bunch of silly questions from lowly pukes like us, who insist on befouling his creation with all our carbon emissions and such).

So have at it! Unless you find this whole thing rather sacrilegious — in which case, take a swig of holy water to inoculate yourself against certain damnation, and then just stick around for the results.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 11:47am

Comments (204)

  1. Incidentally, this whole project strikes me, is an ingenious way to troll for material.

    Which reminds me:   if you could write any ten blog posts, what would they explore? 

     Just, you know, out of curiosity

  2. Dear God; why do agnostics think their religious humor is funny?
    What? Hey, you started it! What with the haiku’s and all…  Hey, let me go … FATWA! PREBYTERIAN FATWA! BY COMMITTEE!!!!

  3. What are the Powerball numbers for this week ?

  4. I guess I understand rats, but why Moore and O’Donnell?

  5. I initially read #9 as stuttering. I guess my unconscious impulses compel me to ask the hard questions.

  6. I don’t think I would want to ask God what his will is for my life. That’s just asking for trouble I think. But if I had to ask a question I would ask him about the things that irritate him most. It is helpful to know the things that irritate God I think.

  7. John Kerry and John Edwards – that was just one big joke, right ?

  8. I would ask God to describe the universe and give two examples.

  9. Tapioca… uh, what’s up with that?

  10. Dear God: What happens to people that die, having never had the chance to hear about you?

  11. Now imagine at the end of my comment #2 above the really cool light saber emoticon and the full vision of satire is COMPLETE!
    Not working though … *sniff*

  12. What do you have against the Cubs?

  13. What do you have against the Cubs?

    Sorry, JD, you need to direct that question to Satan.

  14. Why can’t people understand how seriously You take free will?

  15. Top blog post would be about Obama savoring a Billy Beer with Byrd while discussing the homo-erotic relationships of the ancient Athenians and their slaves. And what Byrd’s friend Socrates thought about it. With quotes. Please.

  16. If a thuggish criminal professional athlete praises you after winning a big game, do you give a shit?

  17. Can I borrow five bucks?

  18. so, um, can you make a rock bigger than you can pick up?  and in a fight between you and Jesus, who would win?  just some questions I’ve overheard.

  19. What’s the worst thing one of your followers (or a group of followers, I don’t want to limit your response) has ever done in your name?

    As a follow up, how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

    Next, was it your idea or Muhammed’s to give "the final revelation" to a business man  seeking enlightenment in a cave in a backwater (yes, I am aware Jerusalem was not exactly a cultural hotbed) where no thinking person had trod since the Romans divided up the Empire into West and East?

     Sorry, one more, how much do you pay Gabriel for the per diem?  Seems like he gets around is all I’m saying.

    Lastly, why don’t you like the East Asians?  Three trips to the Middle East, but none to Dehli? Bombay? Shangai? Karakorum? Beijing? Edo?  Seriously, get a new travel planner or log onto to Travelocity. 

  20. Sorry God, but I’m at school & all of the really "tolerate" kids & teachers will punish me if I acknowledge you in their temple, though I’m having trouble finding anything sacred or needing full-time ACLU protection in a trailer propped up behind the Women’s Studies building at James Carter Elementary School.

  21. JD at #16  Score!!!!!!!!

     Heck, if a Republican pitcher whose name rhymes Smurt Dilling and is generally a good guy, but borders on obnoxious, credits you, did You care? Why? And as a follow up, is it possible to see the genocide  in Darfur as a giant sporting event and could you care about that as much You care whether Peyton wins the Super Bowl?

  22. PC or Mac ?

  23. I’d like to know how I’m doing so far.  I get quarterly reviews at work, they’re very helpful to me.  I think it would be nice to know where to focus my energy.

  24. Why mosquitos?

  25. Why would a loving God sentence an unbeliver to eternal damnation?

  26. "That whole Islam thing… that’s not You, is it?"
    "Can I have a True Relic?  I don’t really care, but I’d take a shard of the Cross or the Lance of Longinus over the second pinky bone from some obscure Saint, if You don’t mind."
    "So, which is it:  free will or determinism?  ‘Cause if I’m set one way or another, all this trying is really not getting me anywhere, and there are these two recent high school grad friends of my sister that just love 20-something guys."

  27. timb – that is one of my pet peeves, some guy that got out of lock-up for smacking around his girlfriend, with 12 illegitimate kids, thanking God after the Giants beat the Eagles, as if anyone cares other than some eastern seaboard mopes. ;-)

  28. PMain, God would tell you to peep out Matthew 6:17.  He’ll hear your prayers, even if you don’t have to bludgeon everyone else over the head with them

  29. Is every motion of every particle everywhere and always occurring in the most exquisitely perfect way in order to carry out Your plan?  Or is there room for endless variation and still fulfill that which is essential to Your purpose? (And of course, the bonus is that just getting the answer back answers the Really Big Question.) 

  30. I like #23…  so tell me God, what do you think about ME?

  31. What is your take on abortion?

  32. Why do you hate Buffalo sports teams so much?  Is it because we shot Mckinley?  Anything we can do to make up for it?

  33. JD, I could care less who it is.  The idea that some sports jerk think God let him guess curveball?  Just a joke.  When I file a complaint for the boss, I don’t point to Heaven and say God gave me the strength to help sue State Farm. 

    Actually, I feel both sides suck, but that’s generally what I think about sports’ teams too. 

     Seriosuly, though, and I’ll think you’ll agree with me on this one, couldn’t Nick Harper’s wife have waited one day to stab him in the leg…one freakin’ day?!?!? 

  34. Please, God, give me just one more Instalanche. I promise not to piss it away this time.

  35. Golf – you really wanted to torture us, no?

  36. Ah, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph! Sure an’ don’tya think it’s a still a bit airly to be startin’ in with th’ holy water, now, Jeff, Irishman or no Irishman?

    Beyond that, though, how the fuck (excusin’ my French, Your Onliness) doth one (of limited mental capacity) embed his filtered Tailrank headlines into his Blogger.com site?

  37. I need to know the next 16 Kentucky Derby winners.

    Before 6pm, God. Snap it up.

  38. Nick Harper’s wife is proof that Satan is alive and well.

    God, my guess is that you do not understand women either. Am I right ?

  39. Do you really look like Robert E. Lee in a bathrobe?  If so, how come Morgan Freeman gets to play you in the movies?

  40. But truly, Your Panopticality, how doth fare the burrhog?

  41. And while we’re at it, O Supreme Ontological Anchor–and mind, I don’t mean this as any sort of criticism, express or implied–do You suppose You mightn’t be able to write me a better script?

  42. Just what the fuck are all these people doing flying to Tucson in the middle of a heat wave?

  43. Were you really watching me jack off all those times? Don’t you have anything better to do?

  44. And the platypus – what is up with that ?!

  45. Women; now, I love the concept and many of the examples are just great – but what is it with the orders and controlling and dictating and cold silences – over whether the toilet set is up or down?

  46. This rash, it will go away, right?

  47. When you hear the enviro-pinheads talking about anthropogenic global warming, why don’t you either A) smite them, or B) remind them that the Ice Ages melted quite nicely without our help?

  48. Gaia. H0t or Not?

  49. So when I finally meet Elle McPherson, or a woman of comparable talent, what is the key to making her want to rip off her clothes and ravage my body?

  50. Jimmy Carter. What the fuck?

  51. Do you ever have days where you wish everybody would just leave you the hell alone?  Do you write all of your own jokes, or do you have a staff?   You have a lot of fun screwing with people, don’t you?  

  52. Did you really have a one-nighter with Sarah Silverman?

  53. Why isn’t stupidity painful? Similarly, how is it that stupid people are still just clever enough to reproduce in kind? 

  54. kelly – Hot, in that voluptuous, crunchy, granola, earth-mother kind of way ;-)

  55. Remember back when Bill Clinton was in hot water for, um, well…you know, and he started attending prayer meetings with Jesse Jackson and conspicuously carrying around a Bible? What was he praying for?

  56. Do you ever have days where you wish everybody would just leave you the hell alone? 
    Do you write all of your own jokes, or do you have a staff?  
    You have a lot of fun screwing with people, don’t you?  

  57. Coke or Pepsi?
    Who do you like in the 5th race at Arlington tomorrow?
    Paper or plastic?
    XM or Sirius?
    Have you had it up to here with all of us yet?

  58. Uh, JD? Is there some Transfiguration going on you want to let us in on?

  59. When you make something fool-proof, why is it that only fools can figure it out ?

  60. What were you thinking?!

  61. Is Hillary really the smartest women on the planet?

  62. kelly – good one ;-)

    God, why isn’t the mere existence of Harleys, hot women, Lexus, plasma TV, lesbian porn, John Deere, lesbians, and Bang & Olfsen sufficent proof of your existence for an atheist ?

  63. Any regrets?

  64. Boxers or briefs?  

  65. Do bi-sexuals really just want to double their chances of hooking up?

  66. Now God, is it really true that only one religion–You don’t even have to say which– has the full truth about You and the Way to Your Domain? 

  67. Have you ever thought of yourself as a doctor?

  68. What does one really have to do to bed a new girl every week? Mind that the place of singer with Motorhead is already taken.
    Why the most tasty foods and drinks are the least healthy ones as well?
    If you designed us, why you also didn’t give us a titanium skeleton and kevlar skin?
    Is heaven more like a wine bar or a giant library? Conversely, does hell look like a ‘hood chock full of gangstas – or a convention of French post-modern sociologists?
    Do you actually think that it was funny to impose furry fan fiction upon humanity?

  69. Does Jesus know that there’s some guy running for President who’s stealing His ‘Second Coming’ act?

  70. If you are going to give people ideas that can earn them billions, why give it to a geek like Gates, who just wants to do good things with the money like helping others, instead of someone like me who would really enjoy it? I promise that when I get my billion dollar idea, I will build a spread that makes the Playboy Mansion look like a turn of the century convent.

    By the way, speaking of the Playboy Mansion, I understand the whole Hef thing, him being an Illini and all …

  71. What is my cat thinking when she sits across the room staring at me like that? Is it just me, or do nipples taste a little bit like ham? Would you rather be punched in the face or kicked in the nuts? 

  72. Why does Pellegri tease us with vague references to bi-sexuality and large breasts, and never provide PICTURES ?!

  73. What should I wear today? Can I have a hamburger for lunch? Is it ok if I buy a new car?

  74. How far is up?

  75. Oh wait – sorry – that was for the Bloomberg thread.

  76. Do you talk to people through Turing words?

  77. Dear God, Why all the small penises?  why?

  78. Fabio – there’s pictures too. Would someone google anal scoots for me and report back?

  79. Did you create Jeff Goldstein, proteinwisdom, and al of the folks that comment here purely for my amusement ? If so, thanks !

  80. I have no questions for God at this time, but as a variation – what would the different Presidential candidates ask of the Big One?Inspired by "so tell me God, what do you think about ME?" above, let me suggest that John Edwards would ask "Enough about me – don’t you think my hair is divine?"

  81. Didn’t Maguire used to have a blog, or something?

  82. Where’s the URL, buddy? Huh? HUH?

  83. If you are all knowing, isn’t it hard to get to sleep at night, or is that why you gave us Valium and Ambien?

  84. Q : Honestly, are the Cubs ever going to win the World Series, or are they destined to be the Cardinals bitches for all eternity?

    A : Remember that whole hell freezing over thing … ?

  85. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful little girl like my little angel, Kaitlin? And, while you are thinking about that one, do you think you could turn her into a lesbian so I do not have a line of pre-pubescent boys lined up at my front door in a few years?

  86. Has anyone anywhere ever actually met anyone from Tajikistan? How can we be sure it’s not an elaborate hoax? 

  87. Oh yeah. Lesbians. I always forget about them.

  88. Dear God, WTF?  I mean, seriously, What The Fuck?  It’s not a question of blame, just a question of What The Fuck Is Up With This? BRD 

  89. Dear God,
    Is hell like having 1ft arms and surrounded by busty cleavage’d Victoria’s secret models?

  90. 1st question- Why do I struggle with my  belief in you?2nd – Did Jackie Townsend ever really like me? 

  91. So, is humanity really your last word, or are we just a beta version?
    When you put the rainbow in the sky and told Noah you would never destroy humanity again, was that with regard to all sorts of destruction or just floods?  Or were you figuring that we would do the job ourselves if we got too out of line?
    Is it possible you could find time in your busy schedule to make an appearance over Jerusalem again and tell all the people who want to kill everyone in your name that you don’t approve of that at all?
    Are you going to pick a next "Chosen People"?  If so, could you please find someone other than any group which I may remotely belong to?
    Just how good do I have to be to earn eternal life?  I know, the whole layer thing, but I’m really nice; I make the coffee in the morning for the office.  That counts for something, right?

  92. Regarding what JD said:  My brothers want to know if it is okay to meet any of their daughters’ boyfriends at the kitchen table while cleaning a semi-automatic pistol.  Just on general principles, you know.

  93. I know we’re made in your image, but really – have you seen some of these people out here?  For every Scarlett Johannsen there are, like dozens, dozens!  of snow cows.
    Maryanne  or Ginger?

  94. God, when Muslims praise you by screaming "Allahu Akbar!, and then say "Death To Jews!" in the next breath, doesn’t that piss off your son?

  95. Who’s the idiot that decided to cancel Firefly, and could you smite him or something?  And why did the last three Star Wars movies just suck?
    Could your either make me less dumb or my wife more forgiving?

  96. Do you really love me? And when can I see Jesus?

  97. Adam and Eve were the first man and the first woman; and they had kids.  The wives for their boys came from where, because, you know, that’s really an odd thing, if you really think about it.

  98. "Regarding what JD said:  My brothers want to know if it is okay to meet any of their daughters’ boyfriends at the kitchen table while cleaning a semi-automatic pistol.  Just on general principles, you know."
    True story: When my son was 16 and picking a girl up for his first real "car date", when he went into the house to get her, her father (who was a taxidermist) was busily gutting an adult turkey on the kitchen table while they were having their "bring her home by 11 discussion". It made quite an impression…

  99. If I committ, oh say 1 million good acts in my lifetime, and only 999,999 bad ones – do I still get in to the Big Eternal Party?  If so, I assume you or some angelic lackey must keep track of such things, so can you email me the current tally?  Because I’m pretty sure I’m in the black right now, and I’d like to know how just how much leeway I have to, um, do some stuff.

  100. If you won’t turn my daughter into a lesbian, will you forgive me, in advance, for any bodily injury that may occur to her suitors?

    Why isn’t there a nom-perjorative term for male homosexuals? Females have lesbian, and I think we can all agree that is a good thing.

  101. They say cleanliness is next to godliness, so I would think keeping your guns clean is generally a good idea, MikeyNTH.  Or your brothers’.  I can’t see how it could matter who’s in the room at the time.

  102. They say cleanliness is next to godliness, so I would think keeping
    your guns clean is generally a good idea, MikeyNTH.  Or your
    brothers’.  I can’t see how it could matter who’s in the room at the

  103. What exactly do you do when you smite someone? That is a great word, by the way. It should be used more often. The word, not the smiting.

  104. I always think of your office as Vito Corleone’s in The Godfather.  Do you personally take care of the penalties meted out to Pedophiles, child molesters and abusers?

  105. That really is You screwing with Al Gore’s Inconvenient Tour, isn’t it? Sending deep freezes to all his venues? Work ‘o genius, but I guess I don’t have to tell You that.

  106. I need an eleven-letter word meaning "discursively," that starts with B and has two I’s in it. Either that, or I need to give up these you-damned crossword puzzles.

  107. Oh, and do you mind if I borrow Moses’ waters-parting shtick the next time I’m stuck in traffic? I’ll use it sparingly.

  108. All those stupid things I did in college … you meant for me to do them, right?

    Oh, and that whole thou shall not covet your neighbor’s wife thing, that’s all on you. You are responsible for creating all of these MILF’s that live around me. If you didn’t want me to covet, you should have made them fugly, or me blind. Just sayin’

  109. happyfeet, I’ve only met someone from Mongolia. She told me entusiastically that their national drink is vodka and Ulan Bator is full of strip clubs.
    Other poignant questions: Are there other intelligent races in out galaxy? Do they have booze, drugs and porn too? What about their guns, just in case we have a little argument along the way…

  110. “Is it true that it is only premarital sex if you end up getting married? Because that would be the best loophole EVER.”

    “I recall the story of Sodom and Gommorrah, when You burned the cities with pillars of fire because there was not a single just man in them. So why has a fiery smiting not descended on a joint session of Congress yet?”

    “My friends all swear I am going to Hell. Can I get that in written form? With a nice frame, if You don’t mind.”

  111. What would be the absolute best question to ask You?

  112. Scape-Goat Trainee, I bet that was a life-long impression; one of those "I saw Jesus and Joseph and Mary and all the Saints" moments.  Really amazing what a true touch of fear "Wrath of the Father" can do to a young man’s behavior.
    And that’s a good thing!

  113. Whatever happened to the Woodstock baby?

  114. Thanks. I’m glad just to be here.
    I assume this is the best possible world for me to live in…. and although non existence might have it’s own bliss, I’d never know… Can you speak loud and clear to me, and then give me wisdom and courage to do whatever it is you are guiding me into?
    I seem to miss that part.
    Thanks again

  115. Dude, so what’s the most annoying question you’ve ever been asked? How long you been a black quarterback? What’s your favorite way to piss off intolerant "liberals"? Sometimes I feel like Job and it’s because of Rosie O’Donnell.  I’m not going to wind up inside her, right? Did you gullible only has 2 L’s? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if  wood chuck could chuck wood? The macarena.  Please explain. Talk a little about why sports reporters don’t ask questions  any more but begin their "questions" with "Talk a little about…" or "Tell us about…" 

  116. Dude, so what’s the most annoying question you’ve ever been asked? How long you been a black quarterback? What’s your favorite way to piss off intolerant "liberals"? Sometimes I feel like Job and it’s because of Rosie O’Donnell.  I’m not going to wind up inside her, right? Did you know gullible only has 2 L’s? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if  wood chuck could chuck wood? The macarena.  Please explain. Talk a little about why sports reporters don’t ask questions  any more but begin their "questions" with "Talk a little about…" or "Tell us about…" 

  117. Jeff,  in your capacity as blog deity, could you please delete my comment #112 and reformat my #113.  My hard returns didn’t work, apparently.  (Firefox

  118. oh yeah… I’d like a little button on my remote that when pushed would cause whomever to crap their pants. So like if I see Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell on Larry King Live….. well you know.
    OK so I’m being shallow and presumtive… but I swear I heard you laugh

  119. Has anyone anywhere ever actually met anyone from Tajikistan? How can we be sure it’s not an elaborate hoax? 

    No, it is not a hoax. It’s there alright.  I was only a few miles outside of it – on foot, and I did fly over it – so, unless Rand McNally, the Defense Department Cartographic service and the Afghan border cops were all playing an elaborate hoax, there is a Tajikstan.  It’s over by ‘dere.

  120. Dear D. Ity:1. How many vibrators does Amanda Marcotte own? 2. How many does she use,  simultaneously?

  121. Oh, and a question I received via text message from my wife: "If a girl with a big rack makes bank working at Hooters, wouldn’t a one-legged girl make serious bank at IHOP?"

  122. Gin or Vodka martini’s?

  123. In years past I had tremendous gas at my monthly poker game. Lately, I got nothin’. Please be advised that the fellas are extremely disappointed with me. Can you help me?

  124. God, since you gave us the ablity for reason and logic, why do you not want us to use it? 

  125. I would echo Woody Allen:  Why won’t you give me some clear sign? Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

  126. Is it true that, as Einstein says, you don’t play dice? Either way could you give me the equations?

  127. If it really was God, I’d want to know about physics.  You know, what’s up with particles seeming having interference patterns between mutually exclusive paths that even involve interactions etc… How many dimensions are there, really? Is there such a thing as retrograde (time reversed) radiation Etc. etc.I can’t wait to hear how the Bible elucidates these questions. 

  128. God, long time worshipper – first time caller …..

  129. Funny thing, Cyber and I posted the same question at the same time.</br></br>That must prove, well, Jesus what does that prove.   </br></br>  (ho cool!)

  130. Religious:After our bodies die, do we continue to learn and grow, or do the decisions we make in whatever brief time we have here control our fates for all eternity?Mundane:Are we the only intelligent life out here, and if not,  do the Others know about and worship you? 

  131. Oops, too many slashes<br><br><p>I’ll check to see if I can get line breaks</p><p></p>Various ways.  Too bad the smilies didn’t work! 

  132. God, you owe me. When I finally graduated from college, everyone that knew me recognized it as a miracle, and not one of them has backslid yet.

  133. Forget tapioca.  Naked mole rats?  That is some weird

  134. Dear God,
    Got any room up there for a drunken drug addict who might engage in a little light blasphemy some innocent fornication maybe a little coveting from time to time?     
    Just curious.
    Big E

  135. 1) Are you okay with my whole “Kantian Agnostic” thing?

    2) How can a desire for good lead to evil?

  136. PMain, God would tell you to peep out Matthew 6:17.  He’ll hear your prayers, even if you don’t have to bludgeon everyone else over the head with them
    Funny that you equate my use of "acknowledge" w/ "bludgeon" you must be a part of the "tolerate" crowd.

  137. God, what would You most like to tell me right now?

  138. Naked mole rat cam here … just scroll down … quiet though they is sleeping

  139. so, er, God?
    are human beings really just payback for a bad bar bet?
    are you just waiting on the other side to blow our minds about just how little we know?
    is there a big two way mirror out there in the universe where people pay so that they can tap on our glass?


  141. Ok,  GOD, Explain to me given the size of the universe
    (4xxx large ^32) and as opposed to the insignificance of this celestial
    orb we call earth, the small hormone driven human brain, the narrowness of
    human thought:  why in heavens name would you create a species that kills
    its own,  pollutes his house, fights wars, pro-creates and then kills it
    creations, has dominion over all the creatures, which we slaughter in numbers
    so great it defies logic, just to feed our own gluttony.  And then claim we
    are created in your image and you will grant us everlasting life if we
    believe.   Ok I know there is an inbound lighting bolt with my name
    on it, but I just want to know, why US? 

  142. Big fella upstairs – Last night I had quad 3’s cracked by quad 7’s for some serious dough.

    Tonight, I shot a 78, net 70, and my partner shot a 68, net 66, and we lost by 6 strokes.

    God, why do you hate me?

  143. What were you thinking when you made that guy Mohammed and let him loose on a perfectly decent population of humans on earth? 

  144. Dear God:  If it’s OK for Muslims to blow up Christians because Allah said so, is it OK for Christians to blow up Muslims in return, because YOU said it’s OK?
    Question #2 Dear God:  Are you stronger than Allah?

  145. Is it true that the Universe has already been replaced by something even more inexplicable and bizarre?
    That would explain a lot…

  146. I wouldn’t ask a question before I said "thank you." Then I would ask, "Why?"

  147. Why NOT you, boyette?

  148. Okay… Heisenberg’s Cat?  C’mon.  You can tell me.  I won’t tell anybody.  No, I’m sure it won’t effect the outcome. 
    Does it piss you off when I slam my thumb under a hammer, and go, GodD@MN!?  If so, what do you suggest I say? 
    Are you as bored with blasphemous art as all the rest of us?  I mean is it worse because of that whole foreknowledge thing?
    I know the Jews pissed you off quite a bit lately with the whole crucifying your kid thing (well, the Italians too, but somehow you treat them nice… it’s always pickin’ on the Jews with you, isn’t it?) but anyhow, couldn’t you let them smite the shit out of Philistines and the Amalekites and the Babylonians and especially the Persians?  Just a bit?  Just this once? 
    And speaking of the Jews, why do you let everybody kick their freakin’ asses.  If they’re ‘your people,’ you aren’t going to have *any* friends pretty soon.  Hey, I mean, they’re your people and all, as are we all I suppose, I’m just saying, ain’t nobody going to want to go bowling with you. 
    Are you going to inflict the 10 plagues on Jerry Buss until he lets your Kobe go?  Or is LeBron the Chosen People? 
    Tiger Woods… what were you thinkin’ there man?  Black dude can golf like crazy, hot supermodel wife, high grades at Stanford, gazillionaire, looks good in a red UnderArmor shirt, sharp businessman, can putt when the irons go, drive when the putter goes, and get the short game working when everything else goes…  even seems like a pretty good guy… Damn.   Was this a bet you had with some angel, along the lines of ‘bet you can’t get 10 different kinds of great tasting meat into a sandwich’? 

  149. Um, er, yes, God, I suppose any question could be considered impertinent but, do you care one way or another that Paris Hilton is spending time in jail? And, if you were sick on Earth, would you allow yourself to be treated in, say, Cuba?  Or are American doctors good enough? 

  150. God… Celebutants. Why, oh, why?

  151. I suppose my question would be something like; "Did you really need my son more than me?"  I don’t suppose I’ll get an answer though.  It’s not an easy one to answer, really.  Then again, it’s not a particularly easy one to ask. 

  152. "if I had to ask a question I would ask him about the things that irritate him most. It is helpful to know the things that irritate God I think."
    Good thinking, happyfeet.
    McGehee: Beguilingly? (Or are her i’s too close together?)

  153. Why is there something, rather than nothing?

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  155. Dear God, What is the least integer that is not the sum of two primes?

  156. Where’s the beef?

  157. God, don’t you think that Rescue Me is a sensational television show?

    Did you make stores like Target, Yankee Candle, and any home decor store just to drive men insane?

    Was golf something that you gave us to make up for those stores, or what it a back-up plan in case they did not work.

  158. Were  you responsible for the Hindu-Arabic numerals for 69 looking like that, while getting the English names for numbers to work out so that its square root sounds like ‘ate something’?Because I get a chuckle every time I think about that one. 

  159. #112 is my favorite response, so far. I would want to know the best way to live my life; i.e., how can I help the most people?  I would probably also thank Him for saving me.  Then, I’d ask if I could be a better guitar player.

  160. How do I know the light goes off when I close the refrigerator door?

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  162. What do you find really funny?

  163. So. How’s it goin’?

  164. #159 DeepForestGreen:
    Funny, those are, probably, the very same things I would ask. I’d follow up by petulantly demanding  an explaination for the whole Pauli Shore era…

  165. The answer to #112 is:
    "What would be the absolute best question to ask You?"

  166. BJTexs – How is it possible to not love “The Weasel” ?

  167. JD;

    How is it possible to not love “The Weasel” ?

    Please let me count the ways and then wash my eyes out with Clorox and flush my ears with Liquid Plumber.

  168. Why do you hate the Phillies?

  169. Good Lt – God does not hate the Phillies, just the Cubs. It is 99 years and counting for the kids that play in the friendly confines, which is proof that God is a Cardinals fan.

  170. Good Lt – God does not hate the Phillies, just the Cubs. It is 99 years and counting for the kids that play in the friendly confines, which is proof that God is a Cardinals fan.

    BJTexs – You cannot tell me that “Son-in-law” was not comedic genius. How can you not laugh at that one, a complete guilty pleasure?

  171. Is it true the real reason You never actually did create the Babel Fish, is because it would have been, as Douglas Adams put it, a "dead giveaway" proving You exist, and thus proving You don’t? And is thus the nonexistence of the Babel Fish not absolute proof therefore that You do exist, and therefore absolute proof that You don’t? And isn’t it therefore true that all logic is merely organized madness?

  172. Are you a top or a bottom?

  173. If AL Gore were walking through a forest and he fell, would anybody care?

  174. Dear God,
    Should I but the Les Baer TRS 1911 or the Wilson Combat Operator 1911?
    Thank you Lord.

  175. What does the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stand for?

  176. JD:

    BJTexs – You cannot tell me that “Son-in-law” was not comedic genius. How can you not laugh at that one, a complete guilty pleasure?

    I can and by simply engaging the tiniest modicum of intellect. followed by smashing my head against an old fashioned screened stucco wall to minimize cracking. Of the wall.
    If I weren’t both a Red Sox and Phillies fan I would suggest the Cubs provide sufficient useless comedy that Paulie Shore would be irrelevent.
    But that would be cruel and, quite frankly, too close to home!

  177. What did we do wrong to deserve ABBA?

  178. Why do I only get one question?

  179. BJ, with the revelation of your correct cinematic views (sorry, JD), I was wondering if you wanted to put the book tour(s) back on?  I think we can make it even more interesting if the person heckling is tacked and led away by an "inside agent" (thus protecting me from gunfire and you from unshaved womyn and enraged hippies).  I nominate (with trepidation) RTO for you (trepidation because he just might get carried away and actually hurt me) and Christine for me.  I have yet to confirm her beliefs on the subject, but dammit she’s a lawyer and they will do anything for cash. 

    What you say?   

  180. I couldn’t ask anything because, see, he created this universe then turned his back saying "the rest is on you!" and left the house permanently.

  181. Why why?

  182. (Not reading any of the past 182 comments…)  How’s your Mom? 

  183. I would ask if he ever interfered with events on earth, specifically with people’s lives.  God gave us free will, but what are the limits of free will (if there are any)?

  184. On your next night out, can I babysit?
    $5 an hour and refrigerator privileges…..
    I’ll make sure the kids behave and are in bed by nine!

  185. God … since you’re all knowing and all-caring … you already know how the story of the Universe and everyone in it is going to turn out. So, aren’t you bored watching it?

  186. Well…since you’ve apparently done it before **, if you find five righteous people in the world, can you please bring us all to Heaven because of them? 
    Just didn’t want to not have asked.    Just, you know, in case.
    The rest of my questions can wait till I get to see You (and I suspect none of the others will matter then).  Can’t wait!  Love you, and thanks.
    **Genesis 18:16-33

  187. Why do I get such a kick out of teasing JD? ;) (Had to ask that one.) More to the point, why has everyone gotten it in their heads that some forms of seeking knowledge are mutually incompatible? Also, can I posthumously marry Paul Feyerabend, if that’s okay by You?

  188. Don’t you get bored watching all those sparrows?

  189. Is it even possible for someone to tell You a joke You don’t already know the punchline to?

  190. I posted my question for God up at Distributed Republic.
    "Why can’t you write a clear and concise instruction manual that isn’t delivered with the anonymity and credibility of penis enlargement spam, and why so many different versions of these holy books? "

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